Page 9 – Wherein I pontificate about things that make me grind my teeth.

DOUBLE FEATURE: Stitch Fixes, Part 15 & 16

Your fashion-challenged Avid Bruxist! She is back with another–er, two more Fixes! My ass is behind! My behind is behind! (Read Part 14 here, and follow the links for previous posts.)

Kate, as always, was my loyal fashion handmaiden.

As far as I’ve come in my fashion journey, I still feel like my personal preferences should not count. Too early to let that tether out quite yet.

THAT HANDSOME DUDEBABY–always stealing my thunder!

It’s loco in the coco to me that I’ve gone from “skinny jeans <shudder>” to pretty much wearing them all the time.

Here’s a fashion discussion that gets derailed by Kate’s amalgamated IL/TN/NC/DC dialect:

I’m not convinced she didn’t hack Merriam-Webster’s site and plant that entry. Does anyone else use this “word”?!

Anyway, back to the matter at hand. (NOTE WHAT SHE SAYS ABOUT CHEVRONS.)

Amazing quote the wardrobe!

I was pretty sure what she’d say about this, but…

Sure enough:

On to Fix 16! First up, I acknowledge my error in rejecting that dress from Fix 13. Dear readers, I tried to right that wrong.

Hard to tell from the photo, but it’s navy and dark green, instead of navy and cream. Kate said it was fine, so I paired it with my sandals (Maybe they don’t really go? Do they go?) and necklace from Fix 1.

Next up, some Terrible Pants!

Kate agreed. Direct quote, “On no those aren’t good.” Also not good? This shirt:

And more failure:

All this point, I was all “J’accuse!”

She said she liked those chevrons but not these chevrons, which UGH, I NEED HARD AND FAST RULES ON THINGS, like CHEVRONS GOOD or CHEVRONS BAD. Not IT DEPENDS ON THE CHEVRONS.

I thought I had her nailed down. Alas.

I kept it, even though it’s not super.

If you want to try Stitch Fix for yourself, use this link. If you do that, they’ll give me a $25 credit, and I’ll keep writing these silly fayshun blogs.

Stay tuned for future Fixes!

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Protected: Single

Stitch Fix, Part 14, Wherein Kate Shirks Her Duties, But It’s Mostly OK

Your fashion-challenged Avid Bruxist, she is back with another Fix! (Read Part 13 here, and follow the links for previous posts.)

I’m getting the hang of things, you guys. Or at least, sometimes I know when something is a total no, like these jeans* which were wrong in every way except color.

Even when I know something’s terrible, I like to check in with Kate to see if she has any sass about it.

Kate was delinquent in getting back to me this time. It’s OK–I moved on–but I definitely needed her to let me know if it was OK that I liked this shirt:

Why is she under the impression that my feeling good in something is more important than it actually being fashionable? WE’RE NOT THERE YET, as evidence by my pattern misstep:

Oh, well.

Anyway, sometimes I get a thing, and I think it’s ridiculous, but I have a flashback to the orange biker jacket sweatshirt thing, and I doubt myself.

In this case, there was no reason for self-doubt.

My love for Stitch Fix is well-documented, but occasionally they send you a snoozer of a piece, like this:

It might have a detail that’s somewhat interesting:

She didn’t get back to me! And I was like WHY DO I EVEN PAY HER, but then I remembered I don’t pay her. I knew a wrap dress would get her attention though:

There was no reason I wasn’t telling her, other than the usual footmurder and thighfire issues. But!

(a) I wore bike shorts with a dress (the one from the very first Fix), and though they were a little loose and peeked out underneath by the end of the day, and I felt like a goober wearing bike shorts… my thighs ended the day with no mantle plumes.

Then, on a reader’s recommendation, I purchased some Undersummers. These, I can wholeheartedly recommend. While not terribly sexy (they’re giant, beige, high-waisted bloomers), they are very lightweight and non-squeezy; they stay put; and most importantly, they preclude chubrub just as well as bike shorts without making me feel like as much of a goober.

(b) I bought two pairs of sandals that accommodate my perfectly square feet:

these Blowfish Malibus, that are cute but not supportive and make my legs ache by the end of the day (WE CAN’T HAVE IT ALL, LADIES)

…and these navy blue Clarks, which are less cute but way more supportive

Footmurder and thighfire SOLVED. At least until winter when it’s too cold to wear open shoes.

If you want to try Stitch Fix for yourself, use this link. If you do that, they’ll give me a $25 credit, and I’ll keep writing these silly fayshun blogs.

Stay tuned for future Fixes!

*If you care about such things: (1) DRD Ena skinny jeans, (2) 41Hawthorn Dawney scallop trim blouse, (3) Skies are Blue pagan back strap chambray top, (4) Market & Spruce Brandey criss-cross back ribbed knit top, (5) Gilli Gary knit dress

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Stitch Fixing, Part Unlucky 13

Your fashion-challenged Avid Bruxist! She is back! With another Fix! (Read part 12 here and follow the links for previous posts.)

My fashion coach Kate was not visiting for this one–boo hoo hoo hoo–so I had to rely on her textual healing.

First up were some olive green pantaloons. I have to say, as someone who loathed the skinny jean phenomenon when it started, I’ve somewhat come around to it. Probably just in time for it to go out of style–am I right?! Is it over?! It’s almost definitely over. Nobody ever accused me of being an early adopter. I just listened to the Hamilton soundtrack for the first time last week.

Anyhow, I still feel a little like an ice cream cone when I’m in skinny jeans, but they do create a sleek line:

Kate agreed that I should keep them, which was good because I had already worn them to work.

I got to thinking that maybe there just aren’t any flats that’ll work with my Barney Rubbles. So despite my difficulty with heels in the past, I bought some cute black dressier flip-flops that have a 1 1/2-inch heel. I figured it was nothing! A kitten heel! Meow! …And my feet go numb within mere minutes. Utilitarian flip-flops 4 lyfe!!1!

Next up was a sleeveless blouse that I liked a lot, but I’m still unclear when a thing is, as Kate says, hiding my light under a bushel, or not showing off my sweet rack and tiny waist. (Note: Kate moved away before I had the boys, so she still thinks I have a sweet rack and tiny waist, rather than deflated boobs and floppy abs.)

I kept it, and I love it!

I wanted to keep this next shirt SO BAD. Hard to see, but it had two layers of scalloped edges, and a cool back, but there was a problem.

Kate said the problem was not my bras or my boobs, it was a design flaw. Back it went.

Next was this:

I wasn’t crazy about it, plus if you look at the first pic in this post, I have basically the same shirt (navy, lacy-necked, sleeveless blouse) without the sportsball shoulders. Bye bye.

Kate’s an idea man. But Body Glide wears off, Spanx are uncomfortable, boy shorts ride up, and those Bandelettes I bought don’t cover enough real estate on my ample inner thighs–I still get hot spots. Besides, wedges make my feet fall asleep, Birks aren’t my jam (anymore–I wore the shit out of some Birks in high school), and chucks… well, I suppose I could get me some chucks.

But I already have like six dresses in my closet that I don’t wear. I sent it back.

So my two big fayshun problems remain. Footmurder! Thighfire! My fashion misadventures are pretty much Game of Thrones. HBO, CALL ME.

For those of you keeping score, that’s Keep 2, Return 3. Unlucky Fix. But you guys, I still love this service. A friend told me she was thinking of trying it, and I was like, “Wait, but you LIKE to shop, don’t you?” She said she loved it. Thrill of the hunt. And I had to tell her that I think Stitch Fix and similar services are for people who (a) hate shopping, (b) are bad at fashion, or (c) both.

If you’re a (c) like me, use this link. If you do that, they’ll give me a $25 credit, and I’ll keep writing these silly fayshun blogs.

Stay tuned for future Fixes!

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Stitch Fixing, Part 12, Now with Sassy Poses!

Your fashion-challenged Avid Bruxist, she is back with another Fix! (Read part 11 here, and follow the links to previous posts.)

Kate, my fayshun guru, was HERE, you guys, LIVE AND IN THE FLESH. As I’m sure you understand, it was imperative that Kate and I see the new Key & Peele movie together on its opening weekend, so she hopped in her trusty hovercraft and came down south. Bonus: She got to be the fayshun fotografer for Stitch Fix #12! You know what that means! SASSY POSES.

First up, Rondot split-neck blouse:

Despite Patrick’s skeptical look, I was for it, and so was Kate, though she mentioned that there’s no way to avoid showing bra straps, unless I went strapless. Haaaaaaaaaa. I own a strapless bra, but it gets exhumed from the bottom of my closet only for, like, weddings and shit.

No worries–my undies drawer contains a veritable panoply of beige bras. (You know me! All sex, all the time!) An earth-toned brassiere and a cami, done and done. Keeping it.

Next, Abbey Colorblock striped infinity scarf:

I JUST CAN’T GET ENOUGH OF THESE INFINITY SCARVES.

And as Kate says, this one has “a built-in pop of color.” A++. Keeping.

Then we have these Adorra skinny jeans:

PRO: “You wouldn’t have to get them hemmed,” said Kate.

PRO: Say it with me–UNIFORM DARK WASH.

PRO: The cut at the waist minimizes my muffin top.

CON: The rise is pretty low, so when I sit down, my undies show.

But they’re good quality and comfy, so I’m keeping them. I’ll just make sure I don’t wear them with a crop top.

(Haaaaaaaaaaaa. Crop top.)

Here we go! A black Queensland jersey top, which looks like a regular shirt…

Except NO!

“What’s happening?!” I said to Kate. “I feel like a flying squirrel.”

“Ah,” she said, “Dolman sleeves.”

I said, “Dol-what now?”

She said, “Dolman. That’s what they’re called,” and pulled her mouth to one side.

“You’re not a fan,” I said.

She said something about elephant arms and, as a general rule, avoiding them, so I was gonna send it back, but after she left, I tried it on again, and it’s super-soft, and I like the neckline. Moreover, it hides my soft middle. (By the way, why am I so soft in the middle now? Why am I so soft in the middle? The rest of my life is so hard.) Keeping it!

Last and definitely least, this Concord striped draped-pocket cardigan (reminiscent of Fix 6’s cardigan), which I really do not like at all, but I will do sassy poses in anyway:

The back view is not The Worst, I guess, but those draped pockets do nothing for my front, and the purple stripes are solid but the gray stripes are heather, which seems real weird to me, BUT THEN AGAIN WHAT DO I KNOW.

I would’ve sent it back, but as with Fix 6, the Buy 5 discount made it cheaper NOT to.

So! Do you want a weird-striped, draped-pocket cardigan? I could send it as a MAJOR AWARD to a reader who uses this link to try Stitch Fix. If you do that, they’ll give me a $25 credit, and I’ll keep writing these silly fayshun blogs.

Stay tuned for future Fixes!

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Stitch Fixing, Part 11, with SATAN’S ABOMINATION

Your fashion-challenged Avid Bruxist–she is back with another Fix! (Read part 10 here, and follow the links for previous posts.)

As I haven’t slept in over a year, I’ll be using the Lazy Girl’s Guide to Fashion Blogging for this post.

Step 1: Engage a fashion-conscious friend who is funnier than you in a text convo.
Step 2: Screenshot that shit.
Step 3: Post.

Hmmm, a fashion-conscious friend that is funnier than me… Oh, I know! Kaaaaaaaaaaaaate.

A few days later I got this stern warning from Kate:

To sum up:

wedding cake shirts, bad;
patterns, good;
date night looks a lot like something I do regularly (Wait, am I dating someone? WHO?);
elastic-waist printed pants are gay-gasp-worthy;
bad pants can be classified using a snark-to-hate crime bullying scale;
I need washboard abs, stat;
it takes two people to do one person’s hair, so just go ahead and give yourself a pass on that; and
sailor pants are Satan’s Abomination.

If you give a shit about brands and labels and stuff:

Melbourne lace-overlay knit top from Moon and Sky (sent back)
McCartney v-neck knit top from Papermoon (kept)
Hearst cross-back blouse from Papermoon (kept)
Emer printed cropped straight-leg pants by Margaret M (sent back)
Siena cropped pants by Kut from the Kloth (sent back)

Hey, please use this link to try Stitch Fix for yourself because if you do that, they’ll give me a $25 credit, and I’ll keep posting these silly blogs about it. (I make zero dollars on my blogs. Keep me in couture, readers!)

Stay tuned for future Fixes!

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Stitch Fixing, Part 10, or Ladies Ladies Please

YOUR FASHION-CHALLENGED AVID BRUXIST! SHE IS BACK! WITH ANOTHER FIX! (See part 9 here, and follow the links for previous posts.)

Before we get into all the clothes-horsing, let’s address some other aspects of my attempt not to devolve into Frumpmom:

(1) Thumbs down: I’ve been negligent in the makeup department. I use tinted chapstick most days, but that’s about the extent of it. I just can’t seem to haul my carcass out of bed any earlier than is absolutely necessary in order to paint myself up for a bunch of 11-year-olds. (I know, I know, I should do it for myself. How do I start giving a shit about makeup?)

(2) Thumbs up: Jeff wanted to give me lazy curls, and I said OK, sure. And will you look at this?!

Of course, I’ve been able to replicate this look exactly zero-point-zero times since the day he cut it, but for the one day, I looked like I had just stepped out of a salon. Which I had.

On to the Fix!

Let’s start with what I thought would be a slam-dunk but turned out to be a brick at the buzzer. #marchmadness #basketballmetaphors #highfive

When I saw “41 Hawthorn Renesme faux wrap dress” on the packing list, I was like, “Well, I’ll be keeping at least one thing for sure,” because even though I hate wearing dresses, wrap dresses always look good on me.

Then I put it on and was corn-fused.

KAAAAAAAAATE!

Kate, as usual, articulated the problem:

She’s generalizing, of course, with “nobody”. Buffalo Bill wanted nothing more than to wear a skin dress. #putthefuckinglotioninthebasket

Next up, a pair of good jeans (FINALLY), which are hard to see in this girls’ bathroom photo, but just take my word for it, they’re uniform dark wash (no whiskers) and huggy in the right places.

Also, shirt from previous fix, key lanyard statement piece, coffee cup statement piece, and pencil statement piece — Sandy bootcut jeans from level 99. Also, shirt from Fix 6, key lanyard statement piece, five-dollar Shoe Carnival sunglasses, and utilitarian flip-flops.

There were two shirts in this Fix, and though I liked the color of the first one, I honestly had no idea whether either of them was any good in terms of shape, fit, or style.

Top, Skies Are Blue Donavon crochet-detail knit top. Bottom, Rilo button-up blouse from Collective Concepts.

Good thing there’s Kate!

That Kate, always making sure the ladies get their due. And if you asked, as I did, “Da fuq is a placket?”, I googled it–it’s an opening in a garment, like a collar, cuff, or waistline.

She was right, btw. Here’s a better pic of the green:

Sent the hiddy pattern, boobflappy, collarless placket one back.

You know what’s coming, don’t you? The statement piece!

“Yes or no?” I asked Kate.

She was like, “Do YOU like it?”

We all know that’s beside the point, but yeah, I thought I did like it. She said I could keep it, so I kept it.

Stay tuned for future Fixes!

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The Avid Bruxist Fixes Her Stitches, Part the Ninth, Including Literally the Worst Pants in the World

Hello, gorgeous babies! Your fashion-challenged Avid Bruxist is back with another Fix. In fact, I’m one behind, so look for Part the Tenth shortly. (See parts 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8.)

First off, a blouse very similar to one I got in Fix 2, and it was just OK, you know?

To be on the safe side, I consulted Kate, as per uzh.

Me: “This shirt–does she do anything for me?”

Kate: “I think Patrick is voting no! Kind of hides your light under a bushel. And by light I mean your sweet rack and tiny waist. And by bushel I mean kinda cheap-looking, see-through fabric that looks like maternity wear. It’s a really good color, though! I tried to give you a compliment sandwich, but really it was a tostada of nope.”

Lol. Tostada of nope. Have I mentioned lately how Kate’s my favorite?

One thing I like about Stitch Fix is they pick things I’d never even glance at on the rack. For example, despite being re-educated about it, my brain still insists on discounting black and navy as a combo, when in fact it’s a totally legit option in the year of our Lord two thousand sixteen. Take this shirt that went over better with Kate than the tostada of nope:

IMG_8663 (1) — Calhun wide lace trim knit top from Papermoon (necklace from my first Fix)

These pants are a gordita of never. These pants are literally the worst pants in the world.

SLAPPED MY FACE AND CHALLENGED ME TO A DUEL LOLOLOLOL. If you don’t know Kate, I’m sorry.

But then there were some pants that did not brandish Wogdon pistols at me:

I’ll have to have them hemmed, but I thought they were very flattering. Kate agreed:

Now you know: if you run into Lysse Mollie straight-leg, FMO, face-slapping, duel-challenging sweatpant-slacks in a store, GIVE THEM THE ASS.

Moving on to accessories!

She asked if I liked it, and I was like, yeah, it’s fine, but exactly how often do I expect to be making a statement like that? I teach sixth grade. Decided to send it back.

That’s it for Fix 9! Dudettes, please use this link to try Stitch Fix for yourself because if you do that, they’ll give me a $25 credit, and I’ll keep posting these silly blogs about it. (I don’t get no monies for posting. No opinions have been swayed by monies.)

Stay tuned for future Fixes!

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The Avid Bruxist Fixes Her Stitches, Part the Eighth, or The Whiskers Doctrine

Hello, smoochies! Your fashion-challenged Avid Bruxist is back with another Fix (see Parts 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, and 7), and SHE NEEDS YOUR HELP! Read on.

Good news/progress–I am accessorizing more these days. But when I saw this, I was unsure:

Who you gonna call? KAAAAAAAAAATE!

She told me to try it on with something I’d wear it with. Uh…

Then we had this little number:

My take:

Kate’s take was slightly more emphatic: “A lumberjack’s worth of no.”

I like blazers in theory, but rarely in practice, and this one:

Meh.

Plus, I’d have to get it altered, and I don’t like it enough to make that investment.

This shirt was very silky and comfy but had a heinous embroidery and lace combo about the neck and shoulders:

Galey Embroidery Crochet Detail Knit Top

Kate said she couldn’t see the design in the picture, so I took a close-up:

I was like, “Ugly, right?”

See? It’s important to consult experts.

Then came the jeans (which I’d have to have hemmed, natch). I knew Kate would be anti-, because of the whiskers, but they were comfy, so I asked if there was anything else offensive about them:

She said they flared. I told her they were boot cut. She said, “Boot cut works if you’re wearing cowboy boots… Are you Marco Rubio?!”

I continued, “BUT I NEED JEANS.” Stomp stomp stomp.

Then she made me question my whole fayshun edjucayshun:

And I told her I wasn’t sure of anything anymore, that she had indoctrinated me against whiskers. She said they’re “no one’s friend” but that feeling good in something is more important than rules.

Is it though?! I need rules to cling to!

Vote, my lovers! Keep necklace? Keep jeans?

Also, use this link to try Stitch Fix for yourself because if you do that, they’ll give me a $25 credit, and I’ll keep posting these silly blogs about it. (I don’t get no monies for posting. No opinions have been swayed by monies.)

Stay tuned for future Fixes!

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The Avid Bruxist Fixes Her Stitches, Part the Seventh, or #thatsnotaknifeTHISisaknife

Hello, lovers! Your fashion-challenged Avid Bruxist is back with another Fix. (See Parts 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6.)

First up, a shirrrrrrrt.

I like this shirt. Cool pattern, or possibly upholstery on Granny’s couch pattern, what do I know really. Also, I feel like Kate would say it “hits” me in the “wrong spot”, BUT NOBODY ASKED YOU, KATE. (Not related: Kate, call me–I have a question.) Also too, lookee:

Bet you weren’t expecting that! I wasn’t either, but I yike it. Just have to (a) leave my hair down, or (b) make sure my bacne is under control on days I wanna wear it.

Next a simple black V-neck (and V-back!) shell:

Good for work or play! Dress it up, dress it down, belt it, cinch it.

These jeans were comfy:

…so I was hoping Kate would say keep ’em, but instead she said, “Boyfriend cut?” And I was like, “OMG SORCERESS HOW DO YOU KNOW JUST BY LOOKING.” She said boyfriend cut jeans were for people shaped like Posh Spice, which one could debate that I am not.

It’s OK though because they had deliberate rips on the right leg, and I just don’t dig pre-disastered jeans.

They could probably send me one of these infinity scarves every Fix, and I’d keep it:

But then, what is this, like, Crocodile Dundee chic or something?:

I thought maybe it was just because I hadn’t zipped it up.

Would accessorizing help?

I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with it, so I asked Kate. She was like, “It’s too big for you.”

OH! Gah, sometimes I still don’t get it.

Hey! Use this link to try Stitch Fix for yourself because if you do that, they’ll give me a $25 credit, and I’ll keep posting these silly blogs about it. (I don’t get no monies for posting. No opinions have been swayed by monies.)

Stay tuned for future Fixes!

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