Stitch Fixing, Part 10, or Ladies Ladies Please

YOUR FASHION-CHALLENGED AVID BRUXIST! SHE IS BACK! WITH ANOTHER FIX! (See part 9 here, and follow the links for previous posts.)

Before we get into all the clothes-horsing, let’s address some other aspects of my attempt not to devolve into Frumpmom:

(1) Thumbs down: I’ve been negligent in the makeup department. I use tinted chapstick most days, but that’s about the extent of it. I just can’t seem to haul my carcass out of bed any earlier than is absolutely necessary in order to paint myself up for a bunch of 11-year-olds. (I know, I know, I should do it for myself. How do I start giving a shit about makeup?)

(2) Thumbs up: Jeff wanted to give me lazy curls, and I said OK, sure. And will you look at this?!

IMG_9157

Of course, I’ve been able to replicate this look exactly zero-point-zero times since the day he cut it, but for the one day, I looked like I had just stepped out of a salon. Which I had.

On to the Fix!

Let’s start with what I thought would be a slam-dunk but turned out to be a brick at the buzzer. #marchmadness #basketballmetaphors #highfive

When I saw “41 Hawthorn Renesme faux wrap dress” on the packing list, I was like, “Well, I’ll be keeping at least one thing for sure,” because even though I hate wearing dresses, wrap dresses always look good on me.

Then I put it on and was corn-fused.

KAAAAAAAAATE!

IMG_9251

Kate, as usual, articulated the problem:

IMG_9252

She’s generalizing, of course, with “nobody”. Buffalo Bill wanted nothing more than to wear a skin dress. #putthefuckinglotioninthebasket

Next up, a pair of good jeans (FINALLY), which are hard to see in this girls’ bathroom photo, but just take my word for it, they’re uniform dark wash (no whiskers) and huggy in the right places.

Also, shirt from previous fix, key lanyard statement piece, coffee cup statement piece, and pencil statement piece
Sandy bootcut jeans from level 99. Also, shirt from Fix 6, key lanyard statement piece, five-dollar Shoe Carnival sunglasses, and utilitarian flip-flops.

There were two shirts in this Fix, and though I liked the color of the first one, I honestly had no idea whether either of them was any good in terms of shape, fit, or style.

IMG_9253
Top, Skies Are Blue Donavon crochet-detail knit top. Bottom, Rilo button-up blouse from Collective Concepts.

Good thing there’s Kate!

IMG_9254

IMG_9255

That Kate, always making sure the ladies get their due. And if you asked, as I did, “Da fuq is a placket?”, I googled it–it’s an opening in a garment, like a collar, cuff, or waistline.

She was right, btw. Here’s a better pic of the green:

IMG_9193

Sent the hiddy pattern, boobflappy, collarless placket one back.

You know what’s coming, don’t you? The statement piece!

IMG_9099
Zad Adrianna Circle Bib Necklace

“Yes or no?” I asked Kate.

She was like, “Do YOU like it?”

We all know that’s beside the point, but yeah, I thought I did like it. She said I could keep it, so I kept it.

Hey, please use this link to try Stitch Fix for yourself because if you do that, they’ll give me a $25 credit, and I’ll keep posting these silly blogs about it. (I make zero dollars on my blogs. Keep me in couture, readers!)

Stay tuned for future Fixes!

______________________

Like Avid Bruxist on Facebook.
Follow Avid Bruxist on Twitter.

Read my other stuff at Fat CrossFitter and Baby Happy Pants.

 

The Avid Bruxist Fixes Her Stitches, Part the Ninth, Including Literally the Worst Pants in the World

Hello, gorgeous babies! Your fashion-challenged Avid Bruxist is back with another Fix. In fact, I’m one behind, so look for Part the Tenth shortly. (See parts 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8.)

First off, a blouse very similar to one I got in Fix 2, and it was just OK, you know?

IMG_8621
Crescent Marele pleat detail blouse

To be on the safe side, I consulted Kate, as per uzh.

Me: “This shirt–does she do anything for me?”

Kate: “I think Patrick is voting no! Kind of hides your light under a bushel. And by light I mean your sweet rack and tiny waist. And by bushel I mean kinda cheap-looking, see-through fabric that looks like maternity wear. It’s a really good color, though! I tried to give you a compliment sandwich, but really it was a tostada of nope.”

Lol. Tostada of nope. Have I mentioned lately how Kate’s my favorite?

One thing I like about Stitch Fix is they pick things I’d never even glance at on the rack. For example, despite being re-educated about it, my brain still insists on discounting black and navy as a combo, when in fact it’s a totally legit option in the year of our Lord two thousand sixteen. Take this shirt that went over better with Kate than the tostada of nope:

IMG_8663 (1)
Calhun wide lace trim knit top from Papermoon (necklace from my first Fix)

IMG_8653 IMG_8654

These pants are a gordita of never. These pants are literally the worst pants in the world.

IMG_8655 IMG_8656SLAPPED MY FACE AND CHALLENGED ME TO A DUEL LOLOLOLOL. If you don’t know Kate, I’m sorry.

But then there were some pants that did not brandish Wogdon pistols at me:

Colleen straight-leg jean by Liverpool
Colleen straight-leg jean by Liverpool

I’ll have to have them hemmed, but I thought they were very flattering. Kate agreed:

IMG_8657

Now you know: if you run into Lysse Mollie straight-leg, FMO, face-slapping, duel-challenging sweatpant-slacks in a store, GIVE THEM THE ASS.

Moving on to accessories!

IMG_8658 (1)She asked if I liked it, and I was like, yeah, it’s fine, but exactly how often do I expect to be making a statement like that? I teach sixth grade. Decided to send it back.

That’s it for Fix 9! Dudettes, please use this link to try Stitch Fix for yourself because if you do that, they’ll give me a $25 credit, and I’ll keep posting these silly blogs about it. (I don’t get no monies for posting. No opinions have been swayed by monies.)

Stay tuned for future Fixes!

______________________

Like Avid Bruxist on Facebook.
Follow Avid Bruxist on Twitter.

Read my other stuff at Fat CrossFitter and Baby Happy Pants.

The Avid Bruxist Fixes Her Stitches, Part the Eighth, or The Whiskers Doctrine

Hello, smoochies! Your fashion-challenged Avid Bruxist is back with another Fix (see Parts 1, 2, 34, 56, and 7), and SHE NEEDS YOUR HELP! Read on.

Good news/progress–I am accessorizing more these days. But when I saw this, I was unsure:

IMG_8287
Citron Escape Beaded Necklace

Who you gonna call? KAAAAAAAAAATE!

IMG_8350

She told me to try it on with something I’d wear it with. Uh…

IMG_8348

IMG_8322
What do you guys think? Yes or no?

Then we had this little number:

IMG_8288

My take:

IMG_8341

Kate’s take was slightly more emphatic: “A lumberjack’s worth of no.”

I like blazers in theory, but rarely in practice, and this one:

IMG_8301
Rebekah Stretch Crepe blazer

Meh.

IMG_8306
Plus, I’d have to get it altered, and I don’t like it enough to make that investment.

This shirt was very silky and comfy but had a heinous embroidery and lace combo about the neck and shoulders:

IMG_8300
Galey Embroidery Crochet Detail Knit Top

Kate said she couldn’t see the design in the picture, so I took a close-up:

IMG_8317

I was like, “Ugly, right?”

IMG_8346

See? It’s important to consult experts.

Then came the jeans (which I’d have to have hemmed, natch). I knew Kate would be anti-, because of the whiskers, but they were comfy, so I asked if there was anything else offensive about them:

IMG_8313
Macie Bootcut Jean

She said they flared. I told her they were boot cut. She said, “Boot cut works if you’re wearing cowboy boots… Are you Marco Rubio?!”

IMG_8347

I continued, “BUT I NEED JEANS.” Stomp stomp stomp.

Then she made me question my whole fayshun edjucayshun:

IMG_8344

And I told her I wasn’t sure of anything anymore, that she had indoctrinated me against whiskers. She said they’re “no one’s friend” but that feeling good in something is more important than rules.

Is it though?! I need rules to cling to!

Vote, my lovers! Keep necklace? Keep jeans?

Also, use this link to try Stitch Fix for yourself because if you do that, they’ll give me a $25 credit, and I’ll keep posting these silly blogs about it. (I don’t get no monies for posting. No opinions have been swayed by monies.)

Stay tuned for future Fixes!

______________________

Like Avid Bruxist on Facebook.
Follow Avid Bruxist on Twitter.

Read my other stuff at Fat CrossFitter and Baby Happy Pants.

The Avid Bruxist Fixes Her Stitches, Part the Seventh, or #thatsnotaknifeTHISisaknife

Hello, lovers! Your fashion-challenged Avid Bruxist is back with another Fix. (See Parts 1, 2, 34, 5, and 6.)

First up, a shirrrrrrrt.

IMG_7755
Michelle Cross Back Knit Top

I like this shirt. Cool pattern, or possibly upholstery on Granny’s couch pattern, what do I know really. Also, I feel like Kate would say it “hits” me in the “wrong spot”, BUT NOBODY ASKED YOU, KATE. (Not related: Kate, call me–I have a question.) Also too, lookee:

asdf
Criss-cross applesauce.

Bet you weren’t expecting that! I wasn’t either, but I yike it. Just have to (a) leave my hair down, or (b) make sure my bacne is under control on days I wanna wear it.

Next a simple black V-neck (and V-back!) shell:

asdf
Fun2Fun Blount Flutter Sleeve Blouse

Good for work or play! Dress it up, dress it down, belt it, cinch it.

These jeans were comfy:

IMG_7772
Kut From the Kloth Kate Distressed Jean

…so I was hoping Kate would say keep ’em, but instead she said, “Boyfriend cut?” And I was like, “OMG SORCERESS HOW DO YOU KNOW JUST BY LOOKING.” She said boyfriend cut jeans were for people shaped like Posh Spice, which one could debate that I am not.

It’s OK though because they had deliberate rips on the right leg, and I just don’t dig pre-disastered jeans.

They could probably send me one of these infinity scarves every Fix, and I’d keep it:

asdf
Look by M Chloe Houndstooth Infinity Scarf

But then, what is this, like, Crocodile Dundee chic or something?:

asdf
Pixley Analisse Anorak Jacket

I thought maybe it was just because I hadn’t zipped it up.

asdf
It wasn’t because I hadn’t zipped it.

Would accessorizing help?

asdf
Accessorizing would not help.

I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with it, so I asked Kate. She was like, “It’s too big for you.”

OH! Gah, sometimes I still don’t get it.

Hey! Use this link to try Stitch Fix for yourself because if you do that, they’ll give me a $25 credit, and I’ll keep posting these silly blogs about it. (I don’t get no monies for posting. No opinions have been swayed by monies.)

Stay tuned for future Fixes!

______________________

Like Avid Bruxist on Facebook.
Follow Avid Bruxist on Twitter.

Read my other stuff at Fat CrossFitter and Baby Happy Pants.

The Avid Bruxist Fixes Her Stitches, Part the Sixth, or Buy 5’ll Git Ya

Hello, lovers. Your fashion-challenged Avid Bruxist is back with another Fix! (See Parts 1, 2, 34, and 5.)

Welp, I kept all five thangs this time. Don’t get too excited–I didn’t love all of them. In fact, I wasn’t in the Louvre with any of the pieces, but I likeded four.

First up:

Canon Button Detail Striped Knit Top (the button detail is on the sleeves) and Jordyn Bootcut Pant

Shirt, very comfy. Decent fit. (God, my post-nursing boobs are so smallllll. Waaaaah.) Pants, also good, though they bunched a little at the knees, and–granted, I don’t know wtf I’m talking about, but–these pants don’t feel like $88. Texture-wise, I mean. I’m not sure what $88 pants feel like, but I think it’s not this.

When I expressed concern to Kate about how the pants would hold up in the wash, this exchange followed:

working lewks

P.S. Here’s the same outfit with the scarf from Fix #4:

IMG_7263
Plus a red leather jacket I bought at a sample sale in New York City in 1999ish. You’re supposed to do something to care for leather, aren’t you? What would that something be? And is there a 20-year window in which one can do said care? Asking for a friend.

Wore this outfit all day:

Bastille Tulip Sleeve Blouse in white, maroon Martina Slub Knit Open Cardigan, black skinny pants from Fix #2, short boots

before realizing I might-should’ve tucked in the shirt:

blah
Dangit.

But then I consulted with Kate about it, and she said, while she liked the proportions of the shirt tucked, actually “long and flowy is a thing now, both very cool-old Eileen Fisher style and cool-young breezy hipster.”

Just when I think I’ve got a thang learnt, they go and change it.

Then there was this:

What in the world?
What in the world.

Why did they send me a chandelier for a Baroque dollhouse?

a necklace.
Actually, it’s a necklace. Specifically, a Rayla Tassel Pendant Necklace.

Even with some of the victories I’ve had, I’m not under any delusions that I have style. But if I have a style, this necklace is the opposite of it.

However, as I said, I kep’ it because with the Buy 5 discount, it was cheaper to hang it in the receiving room of my miniature Palace of Versailles than send it back. Or maaaaybe I’ll send it as a Major Award to one of you shmoopies who uses this link to try Stitch Fix for yourself (because if you do that, they’ll give me a $25 credit), and you can put it in your Rococo Barbie dream house. [Ed. note: I don’t know the difference between Baroque and Rococo. I got a C in art history.]

Stay tuned for future Fixes!

______________________

Like Avid Bruxist on Facebook.
Follow Avid Bruxist on Twitter.

Read my other stuff at Fat CrossFitter and Baby Happy Pants.

The Avid Bruxist Fixes Her Stitches, Part the Fifth, or I’M GETTING IT

Hiyo, fashionistas! I’m back with another Fix! (See Parts 1, 2, 3, and 4.)

First, the Definitely-Like-Its:

IMG_6940
Iglesia Pleated Blouse from Papermoon and Elvira Natural Stone Pendant Necklace by Zad

Here’s my consult with Kate:

Me: Shirt looks boring in pic, but I like it. Pleats in front. Navy. Looks black in pic. Sleeves roll up and button if I’m in the mood. Necklace is kinda cray, but I think it’s a statement piece. RIGHT? DOES IT TIE THINGS TOGETHER?!

Kate: Hahaha, you knew exactly what I was gonna say! Totally dig the necklace.

SCORE ONE, ME.

Hey look, a dress that covers *almost* all of my thigh cellulite:

IMG_6964
Papermoon (again) Weston Faux Wrap Dress; up underneath: Bandelettes, still good but not perfect–I chafe a little around them; red Frye flats, which I’m gonna have to bag–I can’t take the hurtiness anymore. Anybody with the foot-width of a normal human want to buy a pair of size 7 Frye flats that’ve been worn six times?

Kate’s only question about the dress was, “Does it keep ladies covered when you move?” I assured her it did, and she gave me the thumbs up.

Now, for the Others:

IMG_7020
Papermoon (yet again) Kasidy Swing Skirt

I really wasn’t sure what I thought about it, so I messaged Kate. She said she liked it but didn’t love it. She told me swishy isn’t really my “best silhouette” but that I “kill a pencil”*. I sent the swishy skirt back.

(*Oh yeah, I have a pencil skirt in my closet that Kate made me buy a couple years ago. Wonder if it fits my post-pregnancy midriff.)

Last item:

IMG_7028
Anita Skinny Pant from Liverpool

Here’s my exchange with Kate about them:

Screen Shot 2015-10-31 at 5.24.47 PM

I’VE BECOME THE TEACHER.

ALL YOUR FAYSHUN RULES ARE BELONG TO ME.

Not really, of course, but it’s nice to know that, three years in, I’m finally learning how this shit works. Self high-five.

Stay tuned for future Fixes!

And if you want to try Stitch Fix yourself, please use this link because they’ll give me a $25 credit, and in return I’ll give you an internet high-five or smooch, your choice. 

______________________

Like Avid Bruxist on Facebook.
Follow Avid Bruxist on Twitter.

Read my other stuff at Fat CrossFitter and Baby Happy Pants.

The Avid Bruxist Fixes Her Stitches, Part the Fourth, or Size Matters

Won’t bury the lede–kind of another swing and a miss on this one. Not because of the style. Mostly a size issue this time. For example:

IMG_6509
Creative Commune Marvelle Peplum Blouse

Style was cute. Design, also cute. But when I lifted my arms, the elastic waist ended up tucked under my boobs. Probably because they sent me a Large Petite, and while I’m not Torso McGee, I don’t think I have an especially short trunk either.

Also, the neckline had this cool twisty feature, but the hooks-and-eyes wouldn’t stay latched. Not a huge deal–I could’ve fixed it with a quick squeeze from a pair of pliers–but at $58, I don’t think I should have to do repairs right off the bat.

Another size casualty:

IMG_6512
Greenich (yes, spelled like that :/) Striped Knit Top from Pixley

I loved this shirt and would’ve kept it. Look at the elbow patches! Patchy elbows! How professorial!

But it fit like a wetsuit.

And then with the opposite problem:

IMG_6513
RD Style Rowca Scoop Neck Pull Over Sweater

This sweater made me look like a fat potato.

Fortunately, two items in the Fix were not really size-specific. First:

IMG_6514
Sammie Plaid Infinity Scarf from Look by M; hair by Caught in a Light Drizzle; makeup by I Don’t Wear Makeup During the Day
IMG_6522
Here it is, doubled up.

I wasn’t sure about the scarf. I thought I liked it, but sometimes I don’t know what I like, so I ask Kate if I like it. Turns out, I like it.

Lastly, a purse because my stuff bucket‘s handles were falling apart:

IMG_6508
Moda Luxe Brooks Crossbody Bag

Truth be told, it’s not perfect. First, I prefer silver accents to gold. Second, it’s got tassles, and tassles make me feel weird. And finally, the makeup pouch is in the flap, so the zipper for it is upside-down. Not ideal for a mombag–how’m I gonna grab my Dr. Pepper chapstick one-handed?!

But I like the style, mostly, and the color is gorgeous (navy, if you can’t tell from the pic), and well shit, I just didn’t want to go another month without a stuff bucket.

Stay tuned for future Fixes!

And if you want to try Stitch Fix yourself, please use this link because they’ll give me a $25 credit, and in return I’ll give you an internet high-five or smooch, your choice. 

______________________

Like Avid Bruxist on Facebook.
Follow Avid Bruxist on Twitter.

Read my other stuff at Fat CrossFitter and Baby Happy Pants.

The Avid Bruxist Fixes Her Stitches, Part the Third

My third Fix arrived, and I would’ve been happy, except I had worn my Frye flats all day, so my pinkie toes were balls o’ burnin’ flame. (Seriously, what do I do about this? I sprinkled anti-chafing powder on my feet about five times throughout the day. Am I wearing the wrong size or something? Size 7s commit foot-murder on me, but I flop around in 7 1/2s like an 8-year-old who’s raided her mom’s closet. I’m committed to finding something I can wear other than flip-flops, but Jesus.)

I opened the box and tore apart the tissue paper. (One thing I’ll say for Stitch Fix is they do it up with the packaging—make it feel like an event.) First thing out of the stack was this little number:

IMG_5930
Moni geo print blouse from 41Hawthorn

I heard a tiny tick as I lifted it up. On the tile by my feet was one of those brass-looking “buttons”. I figured it was just an extra, you know, like they put in a tiny ziploc on the tag, so you can sew the spare on if one comes off. Because you’re definitely a seamstress.

WHY DO THEY EVEN DO THAT? Everybody knows you’re not gonna sew that button on. Everybody knows you’re gonna put it in a drawer until you move, and then it’ll go in a box labeled Random Crap, which you’ll shove into the attic at your next place, thinking you’ll get back to it at some point. But Some Point never comes. In fact, you move that box six more times over the years, and then when you break your hip, and your ungrateful kids move you to a nursing home, and they dig through six Random Crap boxes looking for swag, they wonder why the fuck you kept an assortment of random buttons and those magnets for ambulance-chasing lawyers that you peel off phone books before you recycle them.

Well, turns out it wasn’t a spare button. It was one of the buttons from the sleeve, and two more of them fell off as I was trying on the shirt. They weren’t sewn on, just pasted, and clearly not that well.

Though the fit didn’t do anything for me—kinda made me look pregnant—I liked the print and maybe would’ve kept it, but hell if I’m gonna hot-glue-gun buttons onto a brand new shirt. Not my job. It went back.

Between the fading pants of the first Fix, and this button-sloughing top, I’m a bit concerned about the quality of items that Stitch Fix selects.

Next up, more skinny pants:

IMG_5931
Giovanni straight leg jean in brown from Level 99

I liked the chocolate color, but these pants were really clingy. I know, they’re skinny jeans—they’re supposed to cling—but they didn’t do anything for my shape. No lifting or supporting in key areas. The look was less slim fit and more defective sausage casing. Sent ’em back.

Moving along:

IMG_5933
Hilson pleat detail blouse from Papermoon

This filmy tank did not flatter—kinda made me look pregnant. And besides, I already own a hot pink tank top that kinda makes me look pregnant. Bye bye.

One of the nice features of Stitch Fix is you can write notes to your stylists, so last time I had written something like:

My friend Kate, who knows about these things, says I should try to incorporate some ‘statement jewelry’. Not that I know what that means, but she has a pair of earrings that are 2-inch white owls, so maybe that? I don’t do bracelets but can work on wearing earrings, necklaces, barrettes, scarves, and belts.

And they sent me these:

IMG_5932
Carmelita twisted wire hoop earrings from Bay to Baubles

To their credit, they probably wouldn’t have made me look pregnant, but they’re not statement jewelry. They’re, at best, crappy mall kiosk jewelry. Back they went.

Was it to be a complete bust?! Was I going to send the whole enchilada back?!

No, once again, a dress came to the rescue:

IMG_5960
Black and white Katana V-Neck Dress from London Times; pinkie-toe shredding Frye flats; wrist brace with thumb spica, for sexiness

Goddammit with the dresses though. Would my poor, poor inner thighs survive?

WELL, on the recommendation of a couple readers, I had ordered three pairs of Bandelettes—lacy, garter-like whoozeewhatsits—that are supposed to preclude chafing… and they did! Rubbery strips on the inside keep them in place, so though the lace pilled a bit, I ended the day with nary a hot spot. (And if my thighs weren’t 28″ in circumference and riddled with cellulite, they’d probably be sexy.)

And for #ThrowbackThursday: The stuff bucket I purchased 20 months ago is dying a painful death. Or at least the handles are.

IMG_5936

I wonder if Stitch Fix does purses…

Stay tuned for future Fixes!

And if you want to try Stitch Fix yourself, please use this link because they’ll give me a $25 credit, and in return I’ll give you an internet high-five or smooch, your choice. 

______________________

Like Avid Bruxist on Facebook.
Follow Avid Bruxist on Twitter.

Read my other stuff at Fat CrossFitter and Baby Happy Pants.

The Avid Bruxist Fixes Her Stitches, Part the Second

Weird. Found myself actually kinda looking forward to receiving my second shipment from Stitch Fix. Who is I, and what even where happening? Hold me. I’m cold.

But before we get into that, let’s talk about me trying to Make Fashion and achieving a victory, a semi-victory, and a decided non-victory. First the victory:

IMG_5616
Gap trousers Kate picked out a couple years ago, top from oldnavy.com clearance, necklace from my first Fix, and red(!) Frye flats I ordered on a commenter’s recommendation.

I sent this picture to Kate. “How am I doing? Too much grey?” I asked.

She said, “You’re doing it!” and went on to praise the “pop of color” and “elongated foot line” of my shoesies. Sure! I meant to do that! Fayshun!

The flats were $$$$, and they still rendered my feet meaty nubs, but I’m going to keep wearing them because $$$$.

The semi-victory:

IMG_5694
Blouse from oldnavy.com clearance, Gap pants (same as the grey ones, just orange), and grey Toms flats bought on a commenter’s rec.

Me to Kate: “Talk to me about this. Blouse from Old Navy–just OK, right? How does one accessorize when wearing orange pants?”

Kate said I could get the blouse tailored, but the tailoring’d probably cost more than the shirt, so nah. She recommended tucking it in and adding a leopard print belt or sassy earrings. I can do that! All I need is a leopard print belt and sassy earrings.

OK. Non-victory:

IMG_5702
Shirt and tank from… I don’t know–probably oldnavy.com clearance; Stitch Fix black skinny pants (I’ll get to them in a sec); utilitarian flip-flops.

To my credit, I knew it didn’t work. I just couldn’t articulate why. (I mean, aside from the flip-flops–I had to give my feet a day off to regrow their epidermis.) Kate said the shirt’s elastic waist doesn’t do me any favors–“hits and blouses at the wrong spot”–and the tank throws off the proportions even further. I don’t know what any of that means, but she does, and that’s what’s important here.

To the Fix!:

IMG_5506
19 Cooper Astair abstract print blouse; black Mira skinny jean from Liverpool; Tom’s flats.

This blouse has weird shoulders, but I don’t own much print stuff, so I kept it. The pants are super comfy, and unlike the last Fix’s, they’ve held up in the wash. I still think my lower half looks like an ice cream cone in skinny pants, but maybe the frozen dessert treat look is fashionable?

These flats too left red burny spots on my feet, but I like ’em. Gonna make ’em like me, if I have to use crutches to do it.

IMG_5472
41Hawthorn Colibri solid tab sleeve blouse; artful pose.

This filmy tunic is an awful lot like another filmy tunic I bought awhile back on oldnavy.com clearance, and both are meh. I would’ve returned it and the earrings in the next photo, except with the Buy Five discount it would’ve saved me only eight bucks. I’ll find somebody who wants the shirt.

IMG_5480
Earrings that are fine but don’t light up my loins.

Last thing:

IMG_5766
Brodee dress from Andrew Marc.

Kate: “Daaaaaamn, son! Put on some sexy times shoes and bring allllll the boys to the yard!”

I guess what she’s saying is that my Tom’s flats won’t cut it here, but I feel like I should get points for wearing something other than flip-flops.

IMG_5772
Crazy Jetsons neckline; Marlyn Schiff earrings; one of these days, I’ll comb my hair and put on makeup too, and Kate will press her fist to her lips, holding back happytears.

As a general rule, I don’t wear dresses. The chubrub is real and painful, even when I lube up my inner thighs and lube ’em up good, but I wore spandex shorts under this, and they precluded any fires in my nether regions.

Plus, one of my (male) sixth graders said, sort of matter-of-factly, “I thought you were going to a royal ball when I saw you in that dress.”

Stay tuned for future Fixes!

And if you want to try Stitch Fix yourself, please use this link because they’ll give me a $25 credit, and in return I’ll give you an internet high-five or smooch, your choice. Thanks to the readers who already did this! You contributed to the bringing of boys to the yard!

internet high five

smooch

______________________

Like Avid Bruxist on Facebook.
Follow Avid Bruxist on Twitter.

Read my other stuff at Fat CrossFitter and Baby Happy Pants.

The Avid Bruxist Fixes Her Stitches

First, my style guru had the audacity to move to D.C. two years ago to be with the love of her life. Then came the babies, and I’m not saying I had kids specifically so I’d have an excuse never to go clothes shopping, but it’s a side benefit, for sure.

Lo, it seemed that my desire to be fashionable without putting in any effort was a pipe dream. I was regressing to my daily Old Navy t-shirt habit. Frumpmom was triumphing.

But then women I knew kept posting online about Stitch Fix, a web-based service that shops for you and sends the clothes to your house, and I was all, “GIVEITTOMEIWANTIT.”

I filled in the profile, outlining my style (ha ha, as if), describing my body type (ass so fat that you could see it from the front), and specifying what I wanted/needed for my wardrobe (less special occasion wear, more work clothes).

A crisp package arrived a few weeks later. That weekend, Kate, the aforementioned guru, was visiting from Our Nation’s Capital. “Kate,” I said, and gestured to the box.

“Stitch Fix!” she said.

“Mm-hm,” I said. “Came a couple days ago.”

“You haven’t opened it yet?!”

Sigh. I wish I were a person who delighted in new garb, but it still feels like a chore, and OH MY GOD, I’M AN INSUFFERABLE CITIZEN OF THE FIRST WORLD SORRY SORRY SORRY.

Kate and I sifted through the stuff together to see what I should keep and what I should send back.

First up, a t-shirt, more or less. Not t-shirt material–more knit?–and, like, forty-something dollars, but pretty much a t-shirt.

IMG_5185
Sam “Hi-Lo” Short Sleeve Tee

I liked the color and thought it fit OK, but Kate’s lip curled. “Mullet-hem,” she said.

“Is that bad?” I asked. She said she just didn’t, as a style, love it, and I’ll admit business-in-the-front-party-in-the-back is not the most flattering for my body type.

IMG_5187
Bunchy

So why did I keep it? Read on.

[Side note: It’s not lost on me that those jeans suck. They’re too long and just blah, but until the fine folks at Stitch Fix send me some denim, I shall wear them, and you can’t stop me.]

Next up, this dress from Collective Concepts:

IMG_5214
#olsentwinface

Considering my next date night is… lemme check… the 12th of Never, I decided to wear the dress to Meet the Teacher.

My colleagues were like, “Whoa! You clean up nice!” and I did feel good. I wore my wedge heels for an hour and a half without a medical emergency; I finally put to use the statement belt I bought more than two years ago; and I even put on makeup.

I give myself an A+ for effort and some sort of non-failing grade for execution.

Moving along. The stylist really tried with these stretchy petite Margaret M dress pants.

IMG_5272
I’ve had this shirt for about ten years. I love it. Is it terrible? It’s probably terrible. Because I love it, it’s probably terrible.

And they’re definitely comfy, but as you can see, they give me elephant knees. Also, since they were too long for capris and too short for actual pants, and who has time to go to the tailor?, I had to DIY a hem job.

IMG_5278
My e-book “Office Supply Fashion with the Avid Bruxist” is coming out in 2016.

Also, after one washing, they were significantly faded. Like, they look like old pants now. They were the most expensive thing in the lot! $98! That’s so many of the dollars! Thumbs down.

[Note: Again, I’m not stupid–I know that utilitarian flip-flops are not the footwear of choice for this outfit, but I can’t wear heels all day, and I have yet to find a pair of flats that doesn’t scrape all the skin off my feet. Suggestions welcome.]

The last two items were this lace-front tank from Paper Moon and Kara hammered coin silver necklace. The shirt has a sheer back (cami required) with a silver zipper. I. love. it.

IMG_5302
Gap jeans I bought three years ago, and utilitarian flip-flops.

The necklace is fine (I’m ACCESSORIZING!), but $34?!

In fact, all the items seemed pricey to me, but that’s probably ’cause I wear Gap jeans and Old Navy t-shirts 90% of the time.

I kept the whole shebang because Stitch Fix gives you a 25% discount if you take all five things, and I liked each item just enough to justify 75% of its cost.

But this model of purchasing is unlikely to be sustainable because the bill came to over $200, and that’s a lot to be spending on clothes every month. Or maybe it’s not? How much do you people budget for clothes?

Stay tuned for future Fixes!

(And if you want to try Stitch Fix yourself, please use this link because they’ll give me a $25 credit, and in return I’ll give you an internet high-five or smooch, your choice.)

______________________

Like Avid Bruxist on Facebook.
Follow Avid Bruxist on Twitter.

Read my other stuff at Fat CrossFitter and Baby Happy Pants.