Here’s the thing about compulsive eating, and if you’re an alcoholic, addict, or other type of self-destructor, you can sing along with the bouncing ball: I swear to god I want to change. I want it so, so bad. I would compromise my morals if I knew that it would take away the impulse to do damage to myself.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately because I had a conversation on Saturday with a friend of mine that went something like this:
Me: I need to start running, but I’m slower than [our mutual friends who run].
Him: You can keep up with them.
Me: I’m way shorter, and my BMI is way higher.
Him: You can change your BMI.
Me: Well, see, I eat too much.
Him: Do you drink enough water? Water will make you feel full.
Me: Doesn’t matter. I eat when I’m not hungry. I’ve developed some pretty messed-up coping strategies to deal with my emotions.
Him: Well, now that you know that, do you want to continue doing it?
Me: No. I’ve been working on it for about eleven years.
Him: What do you eat during a day?
I recited a list, explained that I eat, for the most part, healthy stuff, but just too much of it because it helps me suppress feelings.
Him: If you take out 350 calories a day—just substitute a big glass of water for one of those snacks—you’ll lose a pound every ten days.
Me: (sigh)
I know this. I know it. I understand the math. I get how calories work. I grasp the concept of energy out versus energy in.
I just can’t stop it. And don’t think I’m not trying. I’ve read books, seen therapists, been in groups, taken skills classes, meditated—shit, I even went to eight sessions of hypnosis. I’m trying. I really, really am.
But some people seem to think this is the solution:
When somebody offers me the “stop it” therapy approach, it actually makes the problem worse. Since that conversation with my friend, I’ve been shoving food in my face like it’s performance art.
And not to blame him; his is a perfectly reasonable solution. I just have an unreasonable reaction to it.
I’d bet most people have something they wish they could just stop doing. Maybe it’s too much food, drugs, sex, gambling, surfing the internet, or watching TV. Maybe it’s being passive-aggressive or getting themselves into unhealthy relationships. Maybe it’s sniping at their significant other. Something that they know is bad for themselves and their relationships but they just feel compelled to do.
I guess, if you don’t have any self-destructive behaviors, there’s no way you could empathize with the struggle of someone who does. But if you don’t have any self-destructive behaviors, then god love ya. Be thankful. And when it comes to offering advice to those with addictions or compulsions, kindly just stop it.
P.S. This post is dedicated my friend, M, who shares my struggle and was told today by another male friend of ours to stop it.
yes. i know exactly what you mean. i am guilty both ways. but much less so as i age and can admit my problems to myself.
reminds me of an ancient steve martin skit from saturday night live in the 70’s. martin is demonstrating cpr and emergency choking techniques. he gives big hunk of meat to guy who swallows it and immediately starts choking. martin calmly discusses several versions of the heimlich while the guy turns bluer and bluer and drps to his knees, clearly on his way out. finally martin says, “or you can just try my easy, foolproof method.” he turns to the guy and says”spit it out.” the guy spits out the hunk of meat into martins hand and begins to breathe normally. everyone applauds.
I’m definitely guilty of telling people to stop it, but not lately.
I want to add that the friend I talked to was very gentle in his delivery, and his intentions were, without a doubt, very good.
I should further clarify that it’s not just males who shoot the “stop it” gun.
People that don’t stubble with this don’t understand. Can’t tell you how many times they have wanted to review my diet and offer helpful tips. Doesn’t do any good and pisses me off. Good luck to you.
Struggle not stubble
Ha! I almost think stubble is a better word because it gives the impression of struggling and stumbling.
We’re men, unfortunately we like to solve problems. Even if problems don’t need to be solved or want to be solved.
That’s my struggle in life. Trying to solve problems that don’t want to be solved.
Well, Joe, just stop it. Hahahaha.
If it were as easy as “just stop it,” no one would have any bad habits, addictions, etc. On the flip side is the “just do it” mantra. I know I cannot skip a day of my PT exercises, but some days, I just can’t… or won’t… In my head, I know it is the right thing to do, but it is not that simple.
Exactly. Knowledge is not the problem.
you are strong, beautiful, funny and smart and kind. the only think that you should stop is being so hard on yourself.
oops, “thing” not “think”
I thing you are wonderful.
I do very much love my friend who said stop it. He is a super supporter of mine. And he is right.
And actually, if I am completely honest with myself, it is that easy. BUT something has to get us to the point to make it easy. That is the challenge. I’ve done it with smoking, I’ve done it with drinking and once before did it with my eating – but something clicked, changed, some epiphany happened in order to let me just stop it. Goddammit I really want that epiphany again. Stupid emotions.
You are completely right to compare to other self destructive behaviors. It could be anything. Credit card debt, living in clutter – whatever – everyone has them. This is just ours. And it is fucking visible to everyone. I hate that. I can’t hide my self destructive behavior.
I love you Ames. You are such a great support to me.
P.S. I ate 2 whoopie pies last night. Who knew about whoopie pies? They are delightful.
I love him too, Melinda, as I love the friend I was talking to this weekend. As I said, I know their intentions are good. (I can’t say the same for other people who have told me to stop it, though.)
I disagree with you though on one point. It’s *not* “that easy”. It is simple, and that’s the trouble. It’s so simple as to be simplistic.
But it is not easy.
I think *you* are a delight and deserve lots of whoopie pies.
Also, drinking and smoking, gambling and internet–people can actually go cold-turkey, as one doesn’t actually need those things to live. Food though. As a wise person once said, addiction is a tiger that you can put in a cage, but if the addiction is food, you have to take the tiger out for a walk three times a day.
brilliant and that sketch was f’n hilarious
Preach it, sister.
love you, ame
Catching up on your blog. Good stuff. I nearly spit out my cocktail watching that Bob Newhart skit. Thanks.
XOXO
If you take out 350 calories a day—you’ll lose a pound every ten days.
Me: I get how calories work.
If you think that calories in = calories out, then, oh dear oh dear, you SO do not understand “how calories work”! Please (please please!) go read up on primal or paleo, or Gary Taubes or Dr Mike Eades — or if you’re a watcher-not-a-reader, go watch Tom Naughton’s YouTube video called “Science for Smart People.” (Very funny, very excellent!) It’s not just “how much” you eat; it’s “what.” I’m loving your blog (first time here — reading away all over the blog! You’re a super writer with a great sense of humor!) and wouldn’t normally ‘advise’ someone I’ve just “met” (well, I TRY not to {eye roll}) — but it’s fundamental information we’ve all been kept away from!