Adventures in Eldercare, Part Deux

This is probably the last time I’ll be able to relieve my mother of her eldercare duties, for a while anyway, so I drive up with Dad, and they take off for the Berkshires. Some things are the same. “Here are the dogs!” Denture-smacking. Cribbage shit-talk. Laughing at weird things:

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Chicken Wing Parable

“But I’m trying, Ringo. I’m trying real hard to be the shepherd.” -Jules Violet’s collar popped right off. She realized she was loose within a split-second of when I did, too late for me to snatch at her neck. She took off towards the busy two-lane, and

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Too Many Assholes

Dad: (surprised) I didn’t run into too many assholes today. ********** Me, trying to find some relatively healthy road snacks: How about lima bean hummus? Dad: No hummus of any kind. Me: No? Dad: Gook. Me: But it’s delicious gook. Dad: GOOK! ********** My dad’s plumber’s cleavage

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Dad-isms

I’m about to spend some time with Dad (post forthcoming, I’m sure), so I pulled up the note in my iPhone where I tap in all of his quips. Behold, I found several that I’ve collected over the last few months. Happy Saturday, everybody. Dad, re the

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Baby Happy Pants

I’m shifting all the Baby Happy Pants stuff over to the tumblr. I’ll post links to the Avid Bruxist Facebook page and Twitter feed when I remember, but if you come here directly and don’t want to miss those posts, you should know they’re over yonder. Like

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Better Coffee Rockefeller’s Money Can’t Buy

I’m so tired. So, so tired. Like, same kind of tired as back when I mainlined gluten. Could I be making a baby? How early in a pregnancy is the begone-with-ye-I-must-sleep-for-a-fortnight feeling? Come to think of it, glutenday got away from me a bit this week—I’ve had bread several days in

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Swim

As there is no motherfucking way I’ll ever be able to do it myself, I text my friend who’s a nurse: He comes over, and I’m a giddy mess. Me: Hiiiiiii, do you need gloves?, I have gloves, and here’s the thingy, whatdoyoucallit syringe, the instructions say—wait,

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Confirm Order

I go to CVS and hand over my prescriptions, one for Letrozole—to stimulate follicle development—and the other for an Ovidrel shot—to trigger ovulation. I’m absolutely sure the clerk is going to say, “OK, but your insurance doesn’t cover it, so that’ll be one million dollars please.” She tells

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What? You Can Refer to Yourself as Notorious—That’s an OK Thing

Who’da thunk that the most adorable interspecies friendship of all time was only the second-best Super Bowl commercial? Not me. But it’s true. Because first place definitely belongs to Jamie Casino. What a journey this opus took me on! When it started out, I was all what

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*New Catchy Title*

I’m CMV-negative, so Mr. Happy Pants, a 6’4″, 205-lb, atheist, mechanical engineering postdoc who said this in his donor profile What life lessons would you hope to pass on to your own child one day? Work hard. Read voraciously. Be well rounded and always improve your skills

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