T to the A to the S-T-E-Y*

My friend Bea has been trying to dress more like a girl. I really want to do this too. Before you get all “what is gender anyway?”, I’ll clarify and say that every person has the right to dress however he or she feels most comfortable/beautiful/happy/etc. without regard to social constructs.

…AND I know that I feel best about myself when, on the spectrum, I fall about halfway between gender-neutral and “Toddlers and Tiaras”. I like jeans and flip-flops and hoodies, but I also enjoy pink and sparklies and skirts that twirl up when you turn.

There are challenges to dressing like a girl though:

I rarely wear dresses and skirts for reasons I’ve already discussed. (But I feel pretty in them so I’ll grudgingly frock out for special occasions.)

Also, I’ve never met a pair of heels that I could wear comfortably for more than ten minutes. (That doesn’t stop me from trying every two years or so. I buy a pair, wobble around one event, and then donate them to Goodwill.)

However, I thought I could try injecting more girliness into my daily outfits. You know, put on tinted chapstick. Sometimes wear my fancy silver watch instead of my Timex Expedition. Or find some ballet flats to sub for my Tevas.

I had a $5 off birthday coupon for DSW, so I scooted over there today, thinking, they have a couple thousand pairs of shoes—I’ll have loads of options. Not so. Nothing proves the adage “Different strokes for different folks” like the array in a shoe store. This is me walking through DSW:

• No.
• No.
• Nope.
• Ew.
• What even?
• Those look like shoe-shaped poop.
• Those shoes are sluts.

And so on.

I tried on a few ballet flats, but as I mentioned in the comments of the post I linked to above, the problem with putting tiny shoes on my already-small feet is that they contrast with my substantial ass, and just in terms of physics, it seems incomprehensible that I could even balance. (Relax: This is one of the times when I’m laughing at myself.)

But eventually, after I’d snaked through ALL the aisles, I tried on a pair that didn’t make me contemplate why I don’t fall over all the time:

I mean, that’s the brand.

Thirty bucks, minus the coupon!

Pretty sure I look like a girl!

*I’ll grant that when you’re a hitmaker like Will.i.am, you probably have a lot of Yes Men around you, but seriously? Nobody wanted to tell him he was spelling ‘tasty’ wrong?