I hate clothes shopping. I mean it—I loathe it. I despise it. Just thinking about it makes me put a hand to my forehead and stagger to my fainting couch. And it’s for one reason, and one reason only. Not really. It’s for every reason, but for one huge, major reason.
Pants.
Shirts, I can buy. I don’t love doing it, but it’s one of those chores that just makes life a little easier in the long run. Thinking about all the no-shirt-no-service establishments to which I’m given entrée makes buying shirts tolerable.
Shoes, fine. I have a hierarchy when it comes to shoes: comfort > cost > cuteness. I’ll pay a lot of money for a comfortable pair of shoes. Whether my feet look cute in them is the least important part of the formula. I dig clogs, and I dig flip-flops. You will never find me out on a Friday night in FMPs. Maybe if I lost half my body weight, but would you want to walk around with 170 pounds of pressure funneled into your smooshed-up toes? I thought not. Whatever, shoe shopping is not the problem.
Dresses are all right. I mean, how often do I have to buy a dress? And I can actually look cute in a dress…I just tried to find photographic evidence, but the only full-body shot I could come up with was this:
You’ll have to take my word for it, I can look really cute in a dress. (Sidenote: that flowery, flowy dress up there, I bought that in, like, ’99. No shit. Wore it to my friend Dan’s wedding in October of last year. Probably gonna wear it to your wedding when you invite me.)
Of course, with dresses there’s the chub-rub issue. Chubby girls require
or
to avoid shredding the insides of their thighs when they walk. But again, how often do I wear a dress? I’m gonna go with twice a year. An average of two people I know get married every year.
Which brings me to pants. First of all, finding pants that fit my ghetto ass requires a tenacity usually found only in the honey badger. Second, remember the chub-rub? Well, that continues with pants, but fortunately, or un-, there’s fabric in between the frictional bodies. Fortunately, because there’s no angry rash. Unfortunately, because I will abrade the living shit out of the inner-thigh part of a pair of jeans. Seriously, if you were stranded on a desert island, you wouldn’t need matches or even two sticks to rub together. All you’d need is me, a pair of size-14 corduroys, and an up-tempo song on your iPod. I would start walking and blaze that motherfucker up.
Now about two years ago, I found a pair of jeans at Marshall’s—Donna Karan jeans (she’s a designer!)—and they fit, and even the social worker at my old school (female, straight, sort of uptight) said, “Wow, Amy, those jeans make your bottom look so cute!” I loved those jeans from the moment I bought them.
Well
Yep, that’s my fingers sticking through the gaping hole in my DKNYs. But I wasn’t done with those pantaloons yet. Who knew when the next time was that I’d find such a prize. I decided to patch that hole. What could it take? A little fabric, some thread, a little elbow grease.
Fuck. I have to go buy some pants.
amy. you have a great body. you look amazing in that dress. or any dress.
have you ever watched the show ruby? or even seen the promo? now she
is fat. you are not fat.
i agree. having a bad body image suck. buying clothes sucks. i know. it doesn’t always make sense and it doesn’t help much when people tell you you don’t look like you think you do.
but fuck it. worth a try.
ps. you do, however, suck as a seamstress.
pps. great article in the new yorker on the founder of spankx which i had never heard of before then. and now twice in 2 days.
spanks a lot.
I had only heard of fNp’s…guess I need to get out more (or hide). Your sewing skills rival EB’s chainsaw antics.
Well, your sewing skills would be better than my attemp at that patch.(.i hem with masking tape)
I just loved this post…remember ..you’re not chubby but fluffy although the thighs ablaze doesn’t make one think of fluff. Oh, from a past-battered thigh person.. when i wore long skirts in the summer I used a dusting type powder made by “Lush” attempting to keep those sweaty thighs dry and rashless.( it worked..cornstarch base!)
Although not a real consolation..my friend patti is 5’8″ ,thin ,long legs but has some thigh bulge problem. She detests looking for pants and i have accompanied her..not believing she ever had clothes issues like me. ..who loves the SOFA sweaters…etc(sweater over fat ass)..this is why it can be good to be Canadain as you can wear that SOFA for many months of the year!!..
.back to Patti..to fit hip/thigh the waist is shit and gaposis..and i really did see her problem…everything needs to be altered..take in waist etc..or let down hem although lots of pants are long these days. So…shop girl andfind those same jeans from before..or hey..go to a tailor and patch em up! I’d say but multiple pairs when you find them..but no..we don’t do that because we hope to be down a size or3 by the time they wear out. Correct?
p.s. love the pics on the blog too.
I have the same problem. And my ass is nowhere near as stunningly bodacious as yours (yes, that’s a compliment heavily tinged with jealousy) so I don’t even have that to comfort me.
Also, I see no hippo in that picture, just adorableness :)
Amy, you are adorable. I hate shopping for clothes, too, as I have to buy most of my clothes — but always pants — online. Dont hate on me. Don’t. Hate. On. Me. Here’s why: most retailers carry pants with waist size 30″ and above and I wear 28″. Don’t tell me to shop in the boys’ department, as the pants are made to fit pre-pubescent boys. If you know what I mean.
You’re biased, Margo, but thanks. Got any sewing projects you want me to tackle when I come up?
Granddude, at least E’s hedges can grow back. That hole in my jeans is not going to reweave itself.
Norma, SOFA is my new favorite thing ever. Alas, SOFA season is over in NC for a while.
Nelly, I think “bodacious” should be a body type choice on dating websites. I think that’s way better than “a little extra”.
Paul, you’re adorabler. For the pants, you mean because you’re twice as long as Stew?
Amy, love your outrageous blog as usual.
Now as for those jeans, i agree with Norma – when you find a pair of jeans that feel good – buy FOUR pair!!! And not for nothing, but we *all* have to alter in order to get a good fit. So get a good tailor.
And just know that #1, you are not the only one with body image issues [we all have ’em]; #2, you look better than you think you look; and #3, you kick some Crossfit butt and not many people can say that!
Keep writing… please….
I know, Lori F! But when you shop at Marshall’s, chances are you’ll only find one pair…wah!
I do kick CrossFit butt—I did the WOD Rx today. Woot!
oh GIRL. i feel you on the pants thing. i have to look for anything listed as “short”, and even then sometimes the inseam is way too long. there’s nothing like getting your already noted as “petite/short” pants hemmed to make you feel like a long-torsoed smurf. i never really notice how small i am UNTIL i go shopping for pants. it’s a nightmare.
and don’t get me EVEN STARTED on shoe shopping…i wear a size 5 1/2. that is, a half size too small to even be considered as one who might wear shoes around these parts. even this week, i found a shoe i liked, brought it to the salesman, and he was all, “uh, NO. we don’t carry anything smaller than a SIX. and it looks like those we don’t even carry except in a 7 at least”. what a douche.
when i lived in larger cities, with larger asian and hispanic populations (with their traditionally smaller feet, that is), i could find my size almost all the time…AND SMALLER. sigh.
that said, i agree with what everyone noted above: you’re a hottie patottie. and don’t you forget it.
amy a, seriously, you’d think that the women’s fashion industry would’ve figured out by now that they need to sell pants with different inseam lengths, like they do for dudes! One solution I’ve found: buy capris. Those are usually the exact right full-length pants for me.
Aaaaaaand your feet are ridiculously small. I mean, my feet are small. (And sometimes I look at my ass and think, how do I balance?) But your feet are *small*.
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