Brush Up Your Rich Wilkes*

Between his sciatic nerve radiating pain from his lower back to his feet (“It feels like an iguana has latched itself onto my toe”) and the arthritis in his left knee, Dad was less than sanguine on the trip back down south. But I still managed to jot down a few nuggets.

Dad: (pointing to a sign in Pennsylvania) Lebanon! Let’s hear some AK-47s!

…

Dad: (lecturing me about his ancestral home in PA) The Polish, Irish, and Italian groups hated each other, and it was only with much thought and constipation that you would bring home a girl from a different tribe.

…

Dad: What do you know about Vin Diesel?

Me: He’s an action movie actor.

Dad: He certainly is.

…

Dad: Here are some quarters for the meter.

Me: I have change.

Dad: Well, these tend to pull my pants down. You’ll be doing humanity a favor if you take them.

(This is absolutely true. The guy who invented suspenders had my dad’s shape in mind. And you’re welcome, humanity.)

…

Dad: (waiting for a light to turn so he could get to a bathroom) Come on, baby…let’s do the twist…he said, farting.

To clarify, that speech tag was not added by me. That’s what he actually said, “…let’s do the twist…he said, farting.”

*Rich Wilkes is the author of such oeuvres as xXx, starring Vin Diesel, and The Jerky Boys.