The Trip Back Nearly Broke Him

Dad, discussing where we should stop for a bathroom break: There’s a Wal-mart up here, but Wal-mart’s shittoirs are always jammed with people.

**********

Dad: …That story evoked no mirth from you whatsoever.

[No, but that phrase did.]

**********

Dad: (battling with the seat belt) GODDAMMIT.
Me: No, don’t yank on it, Dad. You’re making it do the opposite of what you want it to do.
Dad: (in a sing-song tone) But I get very angry.

**********

It’s 81 degrees and sunny.

Dad: Fucking winter again.
Me: It’s fall!
Dad: But it’s coming.
Me: Not right now. It’s Indian summer. Gorgeous. Enjoy it!
Dad: Yeah, my ass hurts.

**********

Dad: Oh my ass.
Me: I’m trying to find a gas station on this side of the road so we can get out and stretch.
Dad: That’s nice. I’m not complaining. I’m just saying, “Oh my ass.”

**********

Dad, when we stopped at a truck stop in southern Virginia that he’d never been to: Discovery! I feel like Vasco de Gama!

**********

Dad: (to Violet, in the other room) I don’t even need food right now… I need purpose.

**********

Dad: Wait a minute. I need to take my Prilosec. Yoohoooooooooo, Prilosec!

**********

Dad, on our walk: The best thing I could do would be to lie down. In the back of an ambulance.

72 thoughts on “The Trip Back Nearly Broke Him”

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