The Trip Back Nearly Broke Him

Dad, discussing where we should stop for a bathroom break: There’s a Wal-mart up here, but Wal-mart’s shittoirs are always jammed with people.

**********

Dad: …That story evoked no mirth from you whatsoever.

[No, but that phrase did.]

**********

Dad: (battling with the seat belt) GODDAMMIT.
Me: No, don’t yank on it, Dad. You’re making it do the opposite of what you want it to do.
Dad: (in a sing-song tone) But I get very angry.

**********

It’s 81 degrees and sunny.

Dad: Fucking winter again.
Me: It’s fall!
Dad: But it’s coming.
Me: Not right now. It’s Indian summer. Gorgeous. Enjoy it!
Dad: Yeah, my ass hurts.

**********

Dad: Oh my ass.
Me: I’m trying to find a gas station on this side of the road so we can get out and stretch.
Dad: That’s nice. I’m not complaining. I’m just saying, “Oh my ass.”

**********

Dad, when we stopped at a truck stop in southern Virginia that he’d never been to: Discovery! I feel like Vasco de Gama!

**********

Dad: (to Violet, in the other room) I don’t even need food right now… I need purpose.

**********

Dad: Wait a minute. I need to take my Prilosec. Yoohoooooooooo, Prilosec!

**********

Dad, on our walk: The best thing I could do would be to lie down. In the back of an ambulance.

70 thoughts on “The Trip Back Nearly Broke Him”

  19. Hello, you used to write magnificent, but the last few posts have been kinda boringK I miss your great writings. Past several posts are just a bit out of track! come on!

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *