Some sperm banks have a Donor Look-Alike menu. Like, in addition to sorting donors by eye color, height, ethnicity, and astrological sign—are you fucking kidding me?—you can also search for jizz-givers that resemble your favorite actor, rockstar, or professional tennis player.
Some of them I’d never heard of, like Alexander Skarsgard who I had to Google—meow!—and Lance Guest who they clarified with a parenthetical “Last Starfighter”. I’m assuming that’s a recent starring vehicle of his, but I didn’t bother to search the internet for him because Lance Guest is a dumb name and “Last Starfighter” sounds like a rip-off of Star Trek on the CW network. You know, where it’s all sculpted 20-somethings playing angsty teens and doing a lot of chin-acting. While fighting stars. And I couldn’t tolerate having a kid who looks like anyone whose parents named him Lance and who has made such poor hypothetical career choices.
Several had “(young)” next to their names:
Alec Baldwin (young)
Al Pacino (young)
Just, I guess, so you wouldn’t think you were getting the bloated/wizened versions that show up on your TV or movie screen these days.
A couple had the name, and then the name again with “(young)” next to it:
Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris (young)
I mean, the cut-off age for donors is 39, so are they saying that have a donor who looks like a Chuck Norris in his prime and another less-than-40-year-old who looks 73?
Well, I guess it doesn’t matter. It’s Chuck Norris.
Unless he shaves his beard.
If I were to choose the Chuck Norris look-alike, that baby’d better emerge from my womb fully bearded or I’d demand a refund.
They specified that it was the thin Seth Rogen and the Anthony Edwards from Top Gun. Whew.
They had a few I was drawn to—Andy Samberg, Jason Segel, Ricky Gervais—until I remembered these were look-alikes, not funny-alikes. I don’t want somebody who looks like Andy Samberg unless he can also generate some “Threw It on the Ground” action.
Same with John Krasinski. What if my baby’s a dead ringer for Jim Halpert but can’t do a perfect deadpan-followed-by-minute-eyebrow-raise? I’d be so disappointed.
Before I saw No Country for Old Men, I would’ve picked a Javier Bardem doppelgänger in a hot second, but his portrayal of Anton Chigurh insured that that’ll never happen. Also that I’ll never sleep a perfect night’s sleep again.
And then there was Bronson Pinchot. I… I don’t think looking like Bronson Pinchot is a selling point. I think, just as a business decision, the sperm bank might want to keep that to themselves.
My best friend just had to order eggs from half-way across the country, and I was about to offer up mine, but, unless we’re sisters, they’re not taking my 38-year-old eggs. That and both my friend and her husband are 5′ 4″ and dark haired….and I can just see my 6ft tall, red-headed ass managing a clone baby, and then everyone wondering where it/they came from. :)
And they would be the optimal word…because she has FINALLY gotten pregnant, and my niece/nephews are due in 5 months. :)
The Last Starfighter is actually an awesome, cheesy 80’s sci-fi flick. It’s the movie that spoke to a generation of guys who hoped that their video game skills would actually give them the ability to save the world.
Well, that changes everything! I’ll order a vial right now! ;)
You should. Obviously. “Starred in an iconic 80’s cult classic” is a pretty impressive line on the resume.
I used to work with a tiny, very dark, thickly-accented Brazilian woman who married a tall, blond-haired and blue-eyed, very white guy. They decided to have a baby together, and she decided she wanted the baby to favor him, so they ended up with a porcelain-skinned, rosy-cheeked, blue-eyed little girl, with a halo of pale blond fluff atop her angelic little noggin.
It occurred to me after she had the baby that whenever she is out with her daughter, people are going to forever assume she’s the nanny for some nice Aryan-alike couple.
Especially in their neighborhood, where nobody has a nanny that’s white.
I just had to google Crispin Glover.