Nobody Tell a Joke

On my very first day of CrossFit fourteen months ago, Coach Dave handed me a piece of paper and said, “Read this before you come back.” It was an article about rhabdomyolysis, which is a condition caused when damaged muscle cells break down and enter the bloodstream. Sometimes CrossFitters work out too hard, and then they barf and get all where-am-I? And the puking and confusion can happen during any WOD, but if you have major muscle soreness and swelling (not the good kind, like “Damn, son, you’re all swoll after those presses”, but more like “Yikes, you might wanna ice that”) and your piss looks like sweet tea, you may have rhabdo.

So Saturday the WOD had a whole mess o’ sit-ups, and then I did some major core work with a hula hoop at the CrossFit Durham Halloween party. Short story even shorter, I posted on Facebook that I thought I had rhabdo in my abdos. My tummy was so hurty! Coughing was uncomfortable. Worse, I had a cold, not a bad one but a particularly sneezy variety, and every time I achoo-ed on Monday, a single tear would slide down my cheek from the abdominal pain. Laughing was agony.

Fine, I didn’t actually have rhabdo. My pee, I’m sure you’re happy to hear, looked like Country Time lemonade. The thing about the tear, also a lie. But I did fake-cry and whine. A lot. And laughing really did hurt bad.

Monday’s WOD involved double-unders, box jumps, and kettlebell swings. I tried to protect my stomach muscles as much as possible. In fact, I was so concerned with my abs that I didn’t notice until partway through the workout that my shins felt like they were snapping in two. I know you’re supposed to land like a feather between double-unders and on the box, but alas, I’m a Fat CrossFitter, and I land about as light as locomotive. Every impact felt like my legs might break off mid-calf.

Last night at the gym, my buddy Jack asked, “How’s the abdo?”

I giggled—Ooo! Ow!—and then whined, “So bad! And I have shin splints too!”

“You have abdo and shindo,” he replied. I chortled. Ouch!

“That sounds like a martial art,” I said.

“You have a black belt in abdo shindo. You should list that under your Activities on Facebook,” he said.

And at that point, I laughed and laughed, and I’m pretty sure I really have rhabdo now.

(I don’t really have rhabdo now.)

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