I didn’t vote today. Instead, I drove to Carrboro because I thought Oprah Winfrey might find me my soul mate. There’s a lot that’s stupid about that statement.
What happens is, I get an email from a friend mid-day that says the Oprah Winfrey Network is developing a dating show, and they’re accepting applications from 2:00 to 5:00 at this restaurant in Carrboro. I’ve been ruminating on the fact that I’m technically a spinster, and I don’t know, I’m thinking, “Nothing else has worked, so maybe I try a little reality television…?”
So I get there, and they hand me a 27-page form to fill out. Twenty-seven pages. And they tell me a producer will be putting together a little bit of footage. I start filling out the form, but the first page says “YOUR TOWN: CARRBORO” and asks for my address. And I’m thinking, my town is Bull City, y’all, so I shuffle over to the hostess and say, “Do I have to be a resident of Carrboro to do this?”
She says, “Hmm… I don’t know… Do you love Carrboro?”
And I go, “Sure.” But really I’m thinking, it’s aight. I mean, there’s some good restaurants and a gargantuan dog park I used to go to all the time when I worked in Chapel Hill, and it’s walkable. But it’s no Durham.
And as I keep filling out this tome, it becomes clear that this is just the audition for the town. Questions like, What makes your town unique? and Who is the town gossip? and Where do people go on dates in your town? The network wants to find a town in which to make love happen. They’ll accomplish this goal by shipping in various matchmakers and dispatching them amongst the participants.
The producer asks if I’m ready for my on-camera interview, and truth be told, at this point, I’m having some reservations about the whole deal. But I’d driven all the way over there and even applied mascara and lipstick on a Tuesday, in the middle of the afternoon, and OK, whatever.
What’s your type? I don’t really have a type, I say, but funny, smart, preferably stronger than me.
Have you tried online dating? Ahem. Yes. Yes I have.
What does love mean to you? It means fighting for each other and for the two of you as a couple. Platitudes platitudes.
What would you bring to a relationship? Blah stupid loyalty blah fun blah.
I drove away feeling perturbed and disappointed in myself and discouraged. So then I went to CrossFit and lifted heavy things over my head, and I felt better. PR on my push press: 110 pounds.
I’m still an asshole for not voting though.