Blink, and You Might Miss It

I absolutely LOVE “Friday Night Lights”.  I mean, it’s not “The Wire” or anything, but I find the premise compelling, the writing tight, and a lot of the acting heart-breakingly organic.  The show provides some of the most drool-worthy cleavage on network television.  And, as I may have mentioned, Tim Riggins makes me feel all tingly in my lady bits.

Now.  Some of the story lines are pat.  There’s the occasional stinker of a performance (yeah, you, little neighbor kid from Season 2—just because you’re, like, 7 doesn’t mean you can stink up the joint).  And many episodes include Important Lessons about Teamwork, Asking for Help, and The Dangers of Alcohol Consumption.

But look closer!  Here’s a list of other lessons I’m gleaning from the show:

  • If you light a girl’s hair on fire in science class and your parents are called in for a meeting, and then they find out you’ve been playing football without their permission (because, after all, you’re not a football family), all will be resolved when they come to one of your games.  They will be inspired enough to forget about your bad behavior and the fact that you forged their signatures on the athletics permission slip.
  • If you kill a dude and dump the body in a river, the police will drop all charges.  Just make sure you tell ’em you really felt threatened.  Most importantly, make sure he’s a serial-rapist.
  • If you spend two school years as a guidance counselor after fifteen years of being out of the workforce, you can be hired as principal of a high school.  It doesn’t matter that you have no experience in school administration.  You have a whole lot of heart and an amazing rack.

Setting the Bar Low

I’m inspired to write down some New Year’s resolutions…primarily by my friend Dan, who has resolved not to miss an episode of “The Jersey Shore”.  But also by an e-crush who grew an ironic mustache for his friend’s New Year’s Eve wedding, and resolved to shave off his ironic mustache.

Here goes:

  1. I’ll wear clothes to work.  What I slept in the night before can still count.
  2. I’ll water my plants when (a) I remember, (b) they turn yellow, or (c) they grow a pair and ask for what they need.

Feel free to make suggestions or add your own resolutions in the comments section.

Veni, Vidi, Vici

Along with my ability to generate copious amounts of ear wax, I inherited from my father a propensity to cook up some gourmet negativity and then just sit and stew in it until it turns cold and gives me goosebumps.  I’ve heard for a long time that a good counter to negative thoughts is to feed yourself positive ones. That’s my plan for the new year.

AND, at the same time, I don’t think I can look at myself in a mirror and say things like, “I say YES to life!” and “I am my own unique self—special, creative, and wonderful!”

Those are for people who think small.  I’m coming up with some affirmations of my own:

  • I am glorious to behold.
  • I’m better than everyone else at most things and equally good as everyone else at the remaining few things.
  • HelLO, Sex Monster!
  • The fruit of my womb will be the next Messiah.
  • I will win the lottery without even buying a fucking ticket.  That’s how badly wealth wants to be mine.
  • Tim Riggins’ heart flutters at the sound of my name.
  • My spoken and written words enlighten, entertain, and edify all audiences.  And cure some diseases.
  • My abs should be bronzed.
  • Even hard-core Christians covet all that junk in my trunk.

Please add your own in the comments section.