The Foster Chronicles: It Begins Again

It’s safe to say that victorious is not what’s happening in most areas of my life right now, but I can take care of a dog. I can do that. So last week, when CCB posted that a dog named Brandi needed a foster, I didn’t think too much. I emailed, asked if she was submissive, and said, if so, I’d take her. (I let them know I couldn’t do another 7 months of crate-and-rotate.) They said she’d be fine, so I made plans to get her.

From there, it got confusing. What I figured out by the end was that Brandi had been adopted, but the family wanted to return her because she had nipped the dad twice on the leg. Somebody at CCB talked them down—let them know that’s a behavior that can be corrected—and they decided to keep the dog. My services were not needed.

But by then, I kinda had my heart set on fostering again. The president of CCB said she and the VP would be going to some shelters soon to see who they could pull. After work Monday, I opened my email to find a message saying they had found me the perfect dog, and could I pick her up in the evening?

Yes, yes I could.

Right before I headed out, I saw that the prez had posted about my foster on Facebook. Two things: (1) she had been scheduled to be put to sleep on Monday—whew!, and (2) during the temperament testing, she submitted to and wanted to play with another female dog.

[Prez listed her as Bonita, which I’m not psyched about. If you pronounce Bonita the way it’s supposed to be pronounced, you sound pretentious as shit; if you don’t, Bonita sounds like some fat redneck woman. BowNEEDuh. In the shelter, the dog was Bonnie, but I had a dog named Bonnie growing up, and she looked about as opposite as possible to this dog. I thought maybe ‘Nita. Then, on her Facebook page, she could post, “I ‘Nita fur-ever home!” Get it? Har har. I asked my friends for help. Meg threw out Bonbon, or Easter Bonnet. Shiv suggested Lisa Bonet… I might be calling my foster dog Lisa Bonet.]

Prez also posted a photo.

Clipped ears, nipples for days, but look at that face!
Clipped ears, nipples for days, but look at that face!

One blue eye, and one brown! Gah!

I picked her up Monday night.

Happiness is a new foster dog.
Happiness is a new foster dog.

And so the Foster Chronicles begin again.

The Foster Chronicles: Bonita, Week 1

They Have a Dream, Part 2

Remember last year when this happened?

Chloe (I taught her for part of fourth grade two years ago): I have a dream that I don’t get into politics.

I HAVE THE SAME DREAM FOR MYSELF, CHLOE. SAME DREAM.

Tiffeny: I have a dream that America could stick together no matter what happens. Because I heard that China would be ahead of us in 3 years. I say that because If America is below China in economy wise, then everybody would all want to move to China just to say “our economy is better than yours.” then America wouldn’t be such a nice place to live. Because China is much higher in technology than us or any other country. Because all us Americans do is sit down, watch new episodes on t.v., go on vacation, and most of all eat. So that is why they say that China would have a better economy than us in 3 years. So I have a dream that all Americans could cut the laziness out and get to work on a new invention! Study, read more! learn new things, and last, but not least. Have fun! (while your doing work.)

Tiffeny actually has some valid points there.

Vanessa: I dream that my country will be able to live together as one and not fight because of the way we dress.

I didn’t realize that was the cause of all the fighting. I thought it was institutionalized racism and jacked-up income distribution and Republicans not understanding how the female body works and such. The way we dress. Should be easy enough to mend our fractured nation then.

Jennifer: For my baby nephew stop having a bad additude, and his big bro to be good in school. Last but defently not least for my sister in Durham to have a better attidude, along with my mom who needs to stop stressing out so much. PS. By the way it just my hormones I’ma good kid

Marcus: I have a dream that my family will teach my little cousion to not think that everyone will do thing for her.

Jonathan: I have a dream I will be like super man and be able to change in random phoneboths and be in old black & white moives (heehee,funny.). I have a dream that our country will put more money on giving people jobs & more money on education (Ms. Scott your getting a raise! :P). [He drew that emoticon. Not a tongue-out smiley face, but the emoticon for a tongue-out smiley face, sideways.] […] I have a dream that there will no longer be like people canibals like thoughs hobos who wear face paint, kill peoples with knifes and then eat there dead body.

I didn’t know about the cannibal hobo-clowns. Thank you for the nightmare fodder.

Jaclyn: I have a dream that when I grow up this world will be peaceful, the gun shooting will turn into birds chirping. Everyday the insults will turn into kind words the thiefs might turn into businessmen.

I don’t know how to break it to Jaclyn that the reason we’re in this economic mess is because of the thieves that turned into businessmen already.

Ian: I dream that one day my Mom will be able to work with people she likes.

OH, SNAP.

Thomas: When one day I will actually be taller than everyone in this class. […] I have a dream for the world. For when Pangea will be together again.

Jacob: I have a dream that everyday, everywhere they can each sex equally.

I think he meant to insert the word “treat”  between “can” and “each”. But if not, yes, I’m for sexing equally.

Carson: I have a dream that someday I will have a jet pack. That soon abulances will become extinct because People aren’t so stupid.

What a world that would be, if Jennifer’s family had better attitudes, and all Thomas’s classmates were shorter than him, and Ian’s mom liked her co-workers, and people weren’t stupid anymore. And we all got sexed equally.

And Pangea.

I think we’ve all just seen the Promised Land.

Retrobruxist Friday 1/11/13

HI, GUYS! I’m bored with myself! Tell me what’s new in your lives!

I pointed out some of the more subtle lessons from TV’s Friday Night Lights three years ago.

Two years ago, I went on two dates in one day.

I discovered a year ago that, despite the disaster that is my love life, I was lucky in love. It still is, and I still am. Thank you, loved ones.

Happy Retrobruxist Friday, y’all.

So Much More Than Retrobruxist Friday 1/4/13 or, How Many Times Can I Link to My Own Shit in One Post?, Also New Year’s Resolutions!

First of all, thanks for your comments/voicemails/emails of support, but I’m fine. I actually feel fine—no joke. I had been feeling more optimistic about this relationship than previous ones, so yes, I was a little disappointed when the Dutchman bowed out. And startled. He seemed in it to win it, you know? But I really do feel all right.

Because truth be told, my Man*—the honest-to-jeebus One—might say, “Duck,” on this same issue, but it’s not enough to make him say, “Goose.” I can guaran-damn-tee it. I got too much going for me. I feel good.

That being said, I’m not getting back on OKCupid. I’ve been banging my head against that wall too long. So the Universe is going to have to deliver me my partner some other way.

*GAH. I am so heteronormative (heterosexual?). I keep forgetting that I’m supposed to be open to lezzing out.

**********

Three years ago, I set the bar low. This year, I’m setting the bar, eh, maybe torso-high?

First, let’s reflect on last year’s resolutions, shall we? I don’t floss (#2) or make my bed (#4) as much as I had hoped I would, but heck if I haven’t reduced my sugar intake (#5) by pounds. GOOD FOR ME. I have a sugary treat a few times a week, maybe some Greek yogurt with various mix-ins (I feel a vlog coming on!). I don’t think about sugar as much, and that’s truly a revelation.

I tried to dress better (#1), but I didn’t really have the tools, did I? I give myself a pass on that one.

I did SO VERY WELL not engaging in political or religious debates on Facebook (#3). Not perfectly, but on the few occasions that I slipped up, I was usually able to sit on my hands after one comment.

My self-talk (#6) was not good. I utterly failed at being nice to myself. I’M A FAILURE. I SUCK.

Hahahaha.

I was in a romantic relationship (#7)… Can I count it as a two-year relationship since it spanned 2012-2013? I think so.

So this year! Here goes:

1. Manage my depression/anxiety. My treatment requires a cocktail of interventions: amino acids, vitamins, exercise, time with friends, dog-walks, and some sort of regular group or individual therapy. I had let the last bit slide for financial reasons, and that was a bad move. But as of yesterday, I’m back in the game!

Woohoo!

Mental health!

Yeah!

Yeah.

Ugh.

2. Eat even less sugar. I’m interested in what a no-sugar (except special occasions) Amy would feel like. This resolution will commence once I’ve finished the can of whipped cream in my fridge. And maybe my Greek yogurt. Maybe this resolution sucks?

3a. Dress better. Now I have the tools. Fashion! Gonna happen!

3b. Wear makeup. But listen, I just can’t bring myself to paint my face for work. It seems ridiculous—I teach sixth grade, plus I have to be there at 7:15am. Who even invented 7:15am? So my compromise is this: lipstick during the day (I’ll even re-apply!), mascara or full makeup (as I see appropriate) when I go out on weekend nights.

Deal?

Deal.

High-five.

4. Be positive about my job. One complaint a day. That’s all I get. This’ll be hard. I had used my one complaint by 8:20 this morning.

5. Keep a cleaner house. I love a clean house, and I’m good about tidying up for company, but I have trouble putting stuff away and vacuuming if nobody’s going to see it. I tried having a chore chart for myself—that didn’t work. I also used the old put-a-sticky-note-on-the-computer trick.

clean one thing
No dice.

I’ll take advice on how to implement this one.

**********

Two years ago, though I didn’t know it at the time, I wrote the original Cooking for Dumbs post! I have come so very far! My Mexican Braised Beef has gotten et at two different parties, and my bacon-wrapped dates continue to inspire all but marriage proposals!

**********

Speaking of parties, a year ago, I built my fire pit! Best investment of three days and 180 bucks ever. I’ve had, what?, eight or nine fires since then, including this New Year’s Eve. And that was a hellified good time.

Happy Retrobruxist Friday, y’all, and happy 2013! (What are your New Year’s resolutions?)

Reasons Why 2012 Was Great, Even Though I Hated It

My friend/coach ATD recently wrote a blog post called 10 Reasons Why 2012 Was Great. When I saw the title but before I read the post, I was like, “OH HELL NO 2012 SUCKED AND I’M SO GLAD IT’S ALMOST OVER PHFTHTHPT.” But I thought about my tendency toward the negative and my attempts to cultivate gratitude, and I figured I’d give it a try. I didn’t think I could come up with 10 things, but maybe five, you know? I jotted down 11 in a matter of minutes.

1. Working with people that I like. If you let me, I’ll bitch all day about my job, but truth is, I’ve never had a better teaching situation, so I’m gonna try to STFU with the complaints.

2. Time with the Scott clan. Particularly my nieces and nephews.

They are hilarious.
They are hilarious.

(The eldest/scribe was concerned that Santa might get his fingers snapped in one of various rodent traps that were… necessary at my dad’s house this year. The cheese in the fridge was fair game, but Mr. Claus seemed to be OK with the pretzel treats and whatnot.)

3. Tubing down the Dan River with my friends. I don’t have any photos because nobody has a waterproof camera. That’s probably a good thing.

4. Doing the Tough Mudder. So great. Also, really, really terrible.

5. The Monti. Hosting, putting my name in the hat, just sitting and listening. I enjoyed it all, and I learned so much each time.

6. Fostering Buffy and Tulip. Buffy’s mommies fostered a male dog after they adopted Buffy and ended up adopting him. Talk about paying it forward! And Tulip’s mommy is—well, I’ll put it this way: I can’t imagine a better situation for her. (Go to Tulip’s Facebook page, and scroll down to her status update for December 7. Tulip’s mommy and I wrote it together.)

7. Wire-Watching Zombie Squad. Four friends and I get together most Sundays and throw ourselves into a big pile on the couch and watch an unhealthy number of episodes of The Wire. And I love it. I just fucking love it.

8. Seeing Reggie Watts live with my buddy Kyle.

Do it if you get the chance.
Do it if you get the chance. It’s an experience like no other.

9. When Margo came to visit. I love Margo.

10. Being a CrossFit Durham athlete. I’m not “in shape” by any standard, but I’m definitely in the best shape of my life, and I’ve made so many new friends there.

Also the fact that Dave lets us go rogue and do ridiculous things. Exhibit A: the enTire Mile, an event conceived of by Shiv, during which six of us, taking turns in pairs, flipped a tractor tire an entire mile. Just for the hell of it.

Six of us flipped a tractor tire an entire mile.
That’s me on the left and Shiv on the right.

11. Costa Motherfucking Rica.

Being me, I also wrote down things that sucked about 2012, and I was startled how few I could come up with:

  • having a career that’s not my calling;
  • being thwarted at our first attempt at the Tough Mudder;
  • suffering from depression;
  • taking two big risks that didn’t end the way I wanted them to; and as a result,
  • still being single.

And, with the exception of the Mudder (which we got to do later), those are Big Things. I’m not going to say they’re not, or that they didn’t suck real, real, real bad. But you know what? There are a lot worse problems than not having your career dreams fulfilled, and my depression is probably a lifetime affliction that I’ll just have to manage, and I learned a lot about myself in the face of failure/rejection.

Moreover, I’m not really single right now, am I? It seems I have a Dutch boyfriend.