Category: Random

I don’t know where to file these posts.

Road Trip Soundtrack, Part 2

We polkaed! We got the Led out! We smoothed our hair like Tony Manero! Now we’re going all Ryan Seacrest for Track 5, Imagine Dragons’ “It’s Time”:

I like it all right, you know? It’s not a perfect song, but I like the chunka-chunka/bling-blingy-bling-bling thing they got going, and it’s fun to sing along to. (The line is: “It’s time to begin, isn’t it?” not, “Is it in?” I had thought it was rather evolved of him to share such an embarrassing question.)

Track 6 was “Don’t You Worry” by Swedish House Mafia:

I seldom in my life feel victorious. Do you guys? Do other people? I think no. We just don’t get  a whole lot of opportunities to feel victorious in life. That’s probably why they invented house music. It’s impossible to listen to a rave tune and not be like, “I have vanquished all mine enemies, and now I shall dahnce! DAHNCE!”

Track 7 has really stupid lyrics (Even in a hurricane of frowns/I know that we’ll be safe and sound):

But the Capital Cities duo is adorkable, and it’s not horrible to listen to.

Here’s a truly terrible song for Track 8 though:

Everyone involved in this mess should be drawn and quartered.

Incidentally, until I Shazam-ed this song on Saturday, I believed this artist went by the name Jason the Ruler. Which I thought was really dumb, until I saw that his name was Jason Derulo, and then I thought, “What kind of idiot is named Jason Derulo and doesn’t capitalize on it by adopting Jason the Ruler as his stage name?”

Also, where you think he’s saying, “I find your hairs all over me,” and you’re like GROSS because nothing’s ickier than another person’s stray hairs, he’s actually saying, “Bind your hands all over me.”

What does that mean? I don’t know.

Next up: COUNTRY and PRAYER and AMERICA.

Road Trip Soundtrack, Part 1

I will sell it. on the corner. in order to avoid driving I-95 anywhere between DC and Boston, so on my trip south—sans Dad :( —I took a wide sweeping swing west down I-81 and Route 29.

I pretty quickly grew sick of my podcasts and turned to scanning through local radio stations, which is always a joy. Nothing’s better than when WARM 103.3 Today’s Hits & Yesterday’s Favorites busts out “Take On Me” by A-ha.

By the way, I just learned he’s saying “I’ll be gone in a day or two“, which makes more sense than “I’ll be gone doo doot doo doooooooo“. Also, “steadily learning the piper’s OK” (whew, I was concerned about him) is actually “slowly learning that life is OK”. Also too, “you’re all the things I’ve got to remember”. I always understood that’s what the line was, but I never got until Saturday that it’s the fucking loveliest song lyric ever.

You’re all the things I’ve got to remember.

Wow.

Onward! Why are my local radio stations so lame and everywhere else’s so hilarious and/or awesome?

Since I was trundling through Pennsylvania, you might guess Track 1 of our Road Trip Soundtrack: Stanley Pulaski and His Orchestra’s “May June July Polka”, a very jaunty little number. I can’t find a video for it, but it’s available on Polka Party Volume 2 on eBay. (Don’t make a mistake and order Polka Party Volume 1 or you’ll be disappointed!)

Polka Party

Track 2:

Aw, YEAH. Ramble ON, man.

Reminded me of my days riding shotgun in the old Sube, my brother at the helm. All his Led Zeppelin cassettes case-less and kicking about in my footwell, the writing worn off—we had no way of knowing what album it was until we threw it in the tape deck. And then we’d just ROCK OUT. And then we’d go to school.

Track 3:

“Just What I Needed” is in the top ten greatest pop songs ever. Debate me.

Track 4:

Fun fact: My sister is a Bee Gees fan. Like, not ironically or anything. Loathes the Beach Boys, but genuinely enjoys the Bee Gees.

Next installment I hit the Top 40 stations!

Huddle Up

OK, everyone in. Take a knee.

Listen, last night was rough. I woke up at 2:00, fretted for a couple hours, read a chapter of my book, and dozed off 40 minutes before my alarm went off. I put on clean underpants and made it through the day without pitching any sixth graders out a window. I even took 33 of them out to the sunny courtyard during lunch because they had done their work completely and on time.

But now work is over, and we have a problem on our hands. You know and I know that I’m headed for a 3-hour nap, and you know and I know that my 3-hour naps are good for exactly no one. I always wake up feeling like I’m crawling out of the womb (so bright! so loud! so cold!). And then when bedtime hits, I’ve just slept three hours!—there’s no sleeping! No sleeping. Which means two nights of no sleep, which means children definitely get pitched out the window tomorrow. And my classroom’s on the second floor.

So we’re all gonna need to work together to prevent this catastrophe.

Redford and Violet are already pawing at my arms. That’s good. I’ll take them out for a walk, and it’s unlikely I’ll fall asleep during it.

My sister invited me to dinner at 6:00. That’s also good. I’ll have to leave at 5:40, so between dinner and the walk, the 3-hour-nap window is already closed to maybe an hour and twenty.

But listen, everybody’s got to pull his weight. I feel like one of you can probably make a Starbucks run. Others might need to come over for 10-minute shifts and slap me about the face and neck.

I believe in us, you guys. We can do this.

Ready?

Break.

Whoa, Almost Forgot Retrobruxist Friday 4/5/13

Three years ago, I did laughter yoga. It was real dumb, and I kind of loved it.

I was lamenting the need to go pants shopping two years ago, but I have come a long way, you guys. I went jeans shopping on Wednesday with Kate and Michelle (blog post surely to come), and I bought jeans, and I BOUGHT SKINNY JEANS WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA?

You heard me.

To blog about dating or not to blog about dating: that was the question I was asking myself a year ago. Clearly the answer is uh durrrrrr, of course.

Happy Retrobruxist Friday, y’all.

For no reason.
For no reason.

2 Corinthians 5:20b-610

Since it’s pretty clear that I don’t know nuffing about no romantic love (see: every post I’ve ever written about dating), a special guest-blog post on this day of St. Valentine by Beatrice:

Valentine’s Day this year falls the day after Ash Wednesday. For me, that means 2 things: (1) No chocolate for me; I gave it up for Lent. (2) I have just listened to a reading of 2 Corinthians 5:20b-610.

I know what you are thinking: “I love  2 Corinthians 5:20b-610.  I read that every day.” Honestly, I don’t know if I have ever heard it before and there is no way I would have remembered what it was on my own. I stuck the church pamphlet in my jacket and just referred back to it.

The gist of the reading is do not be showy with your relationship with God.  I found this to be a relief because I always wipe off the ashes right after the service.  It saves friends the embarrassment of telling you that you have shmootz on your forehead.

I realized today that I feel the same way about relationships.  Love isn’t about Valentine’s Day flowers and chocolate at the office so everyone can see it.  Love is when he insists that he come with you when you walk the dogs at night because you just watched a scary movie.  Love is installing fog lights on your car when the wild fires around your house have made it hard to see.  It is easy to forget this but after 19 years of being together it is important that I remember.

Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments. Love is… what?

Retrobrudiggity Friday 2/8/13

I feel like there’s a negative correlation between my level of PMS and my capacity with words.

Three  years ago, some teenagers blah blah blah. It was embarrassing.

Two years ago, Violet doe-de-doe, and I was falling apart.

A year ago, I flirted with a guy, and he pfthppptht.

On a positive note, a reader commented the other day that she found the blog by googling “fat crossfitters”. I love that so, so much.

Happy Retrobloinky Friday, y’all.

IMG_4164

Retrobruxist Friday 1/11/13

HI, GUYS! I’m bored with myself! Tell me what’s new in your lives!

I pointed out some of the more subtle lessons from TV’s Friday Night Lights three years ago.

Two years ago, I went on two dates in one day.

I discovered a year ago that, despite the disaster that is my love life, I was lucky in love. It still is, and I still am. Thank you, loved ones.

Happy Retrobruxist Friday, y’all.

Makeup Tutorial[?] (Vlog!)

Kate “The Ginger Menace” n’ Megalu gave me another makeup tutorial on Friday, and this time, like good pedagogues, they had me do the work myself. Their standards were real high, but they conducted themselves with patient, loving guidance. Now I present it to you! (Spoiler alert: I’m not very good at it.)

After our session, Kate and Meg pulled things out of my closet and made an outfit for me. Turns out I apparently DON’T KNOW HOW TO DRESS MYSELF EITHER. They’re going to give me clothes lessons and go shopping with me. How to Dress Yourself for the Nearly-Forty-Year-Old tutorial vlog forthcoming, I’m sure.

How Much for That Black Skull, No the One with the Flames

Just got home. Some friends and I rented a cabin up in the mountains for the weekend. We hiked. We hot-tubbed. We had a good time.

Saturday we went into the tiny town of Chimney Rock. Recently I lost an earring from my favorite pair, and shortly thereafter, one from my second favorite pair, so I was hoping that there would be some artsy-craftsy stores selling silver jewelry.

I didn’t find any, but I did find these items for sale.

[UPDATE: To be clear, these photos were taken in nine different stores. Some of my friends thought this was one magical shit-store, but no. All the stores in Chimney Rock are shit-stores.]

Breakfast syrup. Put it on your breakfast.
Ingredients 1, 2, 3, and 5 are sugar.
Bargain at any price.
For the decorative skull enthusiast.
Native-themed home decorations, Looney Tunes statues, and Coca-cola polar bears all in one convenient location.
So many groups to offend, so little buckle collection board space.
Often I find paintings of wolf heads or horse heads and I say, “I would buy these, but they’re *not printed on a piece of wood*.” Well.
A banjo-themed suncatcher… *shaped like a banjo*. Meta.
Ha ha! Gun violence is hilarious.
I.
Gtfo. That’s not a bench press. That’s a weighted push-up.
You know, for enlightenment.
In case you can’t read the hanger, it says “Hillbilly Brief Case”. /Hilarious./
I’m not sure what offends me more, the kitsch or the lapse in parallel structure. Wash your hands or you might get Jesus!

The whole town of Chimney Rock belongs on the Worst Things for Sale website.