Fayshun

Amy’s Fashion (Mis)Adventures: Maria Von Trapp Muumuu

Your fashion-challenged Avid Bruxist—she is back with another (mis)adventure in which she messages her friend Kate who Knows About Fashion Things for advice and spiritual guidance! For previous posts, scroll to the bottom and click the Fayshun tag.

Also, reminder that if you support me on Patreon (as little as $1 a month!), you get to read these posts early and other posts that the masses don’t get to see at all.

Let’s start with good news: This Stitch Fix box contained no tricky backs.

The bad news: Literally everything else.

Here were some pants that would’ve been fine.

Except I’m a hobbit.

41 Hawthorn Zoe ankle zip skinny pant $78

Don’t send me shit I can’t get tailored for under $10, or at least tuck under and staple!

Moving on. My style profile says I like “clean patterns.” Does this qualify? No, it does not.

Nine Britton Beverly Hacci shift dress $48

Unless I take my hands off my hips, and then it’s more of…

Reader, I can’t yodel. By the transitive property of equality, I can’t wear curtains.

Sometimes, there’s an item that’s just “Eh” but, in contrast with other more craptastic items, seems “Eh?” Like, maybe I’ll keep this because at least it’s better than those other things? Fortunately, I’m getting better at recognizing them, like this Eh sweater in Eh grey.

Colourworks (irony!) Izy braided sleeve detail pullover $68

This next sweater might’ve been OK, but it didn’t Spark Joy™, and like every other Netflix subscriber, I’m trying to do what Marie Kondo tells me to.

Cyrus Leesa hooded pocket ribbed cardigan $88

As much as I identify as a hobbit (short, hates shoes, regularly eats second breakfast, etc.), I do so little traveling by foot with a bindle now that I have kids.

I certainly didn’t like it $39 worth.

When we both realized this Fix was a zero-for-five, we jinxed each other with simultaneous thumbs-down gifs.

I started this post with bad news, so I might as well bookend it with more bad news. The Lane Bryant jeans and pants I mentioned last time are… not magical. I think I mistook their roominess for awesomeness. And I mean, roominess is a type of awesomeness, but they drape kinda weird and sag when not tightly belted, which defeats the purpose of roominess anyway.

The sports bras are all right, but they cost sixty bucks each so they fucking better be.

Hey, if you want to try Stitch Fix for yourself (not all Fixes are bad, swear), please use this link. They’ll give me a $25 credit, and I’ll keep writing these silly blogs.

______________________

Become my patron on Patreon, and for as little as $1/month, see these posts early and get access to other super-secret posts!

Like Avid Bruxist on Facebook.
Follow Avid Bruxist on Twitter.

Read my other stuff at Fat CrossFitter and Baby Happy Pants.

Amy’s Fashion (Mis)Adventures: The Prancing Clydesdale

Your fashion-challenged Avid Bruxist—she is back with another (mis)adventure! For previous posts, scroll to the bottom and click the Fayshun tag.

Also, reminder that if you support me on Patreon (as little as $1 a month!), you get to read these posts early and other posts that the masses don’t get to see at all.

Hey, remember that vv flattering sweater from the last post? The gray striped one? I dripped butter on it. Fact about me: I get food on 100% of important papers. Also on cute things that fit me that I’ve had for less than one month.

Can’t replace it with this sweater. Last Fix, you might recall I told the stylist NO TRICKY BACKS. Welp.

Maybe I wasn’t emphatic enough. Maybe I should’ve said LISSEN TA ME: TRICKY BACKS CAN GET FUCKED. I’ll try that this time.

Question: When you go to a shoe store, how many pairs do you try on? Me, at DSW, like 15 maybe. And from those I choose two or one or zero. The odds are terrible, and that’s given that I already like the shoes. I’m not a fashion merchandiser, but I can’t imagine SF posts good numbers on the shoe front. Then again I have garbage feet. In any case, here are shoes they sent me that fit length-wise but squoze my toes.

Kate likes to argue that some heels are not heels. She’ll say things like “kitten heel,” as if the word ‘heel’ isn’t right there in the phrase. Srsly, anything higher than 0 degrees is too much for me.

Fortunately, Kate didn’t fight me on these.

Next up was a non-hoodie.

Reader, I did not.

I also did not need an AARP-patterned shirt.

Things were not looking good for this Fix, but it was redeemed by some black jeans with a little zipper detail on the left pocket.

And that was that.

But wait! There’s more! I made good on my threat to order some Lane Bryants. Unfortunately…

Succinct. Also…

Avid Brüxist! I’d have to work on my lats and my spray tan.

For the last one I tried to kick it old school. I saw “boot cut” on the website, and the dream of the 90s was alive. Disaster. First of all, I unwittingly ordered high rise, and goddamn! If I wasn’t wearing a bra, I could’ve tucked my boobs into them.

But that wasn’t the only problem.

In response, Kate sent a leaping pony gif, so I took that as a no. If the previous two offenses weren’t enough, I could’ve stored snacks between the waistband and my back.

Fortunately, there’s a Lane Bryant not too far from me, where I could return them instead of paying return shipping. So that’s what I did, and the good news is I got two pairs of uniform dark wash jeans (one blue and one blackish) and two pairs of work pants and TWO! NEW! SPORTS BRAS! Ones that don’t feel like whalebone corsets.

I will try to include photos of these items in the next post, but right now I’m tired and I need to lie down. Which might be my motto for 2019.

Hey, if you want to try Stitch Fix for yourself, please use this link. They’ll give me a $25 credit, and I’ll keep writing these silly blogs.

______________________

Become my patron on Patreon, and for as little as $1/month, see these posts early and get access to other super-secret posts!

Like Avid Bruxist on Facebook.
Follow Avid Bruxist on Twitter.

Read my other stuff at Fat CrossFitter and Baby Happy Pants.

Amy’s Fashion (Mis)Adventures: Tricky Backs & Carol Burnett

Your fashion-challenged Avid Bruxist—she is back with another (mis)adventure! (For previous posts, scroll to the bottom and click the Fayshun tag.)

You get a double-dip again because I am perpetually weeks behind on everything that isn’t absolutely essential, and a few things that are.

Also, sorry about the fuzzy first pic. I think my dad* was messing with the thermostat, so the AC was on, and my computer camera had, like, frost on it.

*If you’re just joining me, my dad lives with me, not the other way around.

I was psyched about seeing dark jeans in the box, but motherfffffffff.

I shared my frustration with Kate, natch.

Kate asked how noticeable the whiskers were.

I thought the stylists would review your file and shit before they shopped for you, and I think they do to a certain extent, but it occurred to me that, like most Americans, they’re probably paid too little to do too much, and they skim it, rather than pore over it, so I’m not taking chances anymore. I’m including this note with every future Fix:

I’m interested–what does your yes/no list look like?

Very occasionally I throw caution to the wind and pull the tags off before I check with Kate:

Olive & Oak Maryanne striped pullover $58

Kate: trying to improve my body image since 2011.

Not trying to improve my body image? This shirt:

Papermoon Patrise 3/4 sleeve open back knit $38

Get fucked, tricky backs!

I was lost on the next piece. It somehow both hugged my curves and made me feel mannish? Fortunately, Kate was there to break it down for me.

Abbey Rose Vanda zipper detail knit top $38

I miss those orange pants.

Stitch Fix sent me a skirt, which made me realize, I don’t own any. Like not one. So I thought I’d keep this one if it was OK with Kate.

And they are sending me petites, but I guess I’m even petiter than most.

OK, we’re done with the first box. Are you ready for the second one, or do you need a break? Take a break! Get a snack. Hydrate. Come back when you’re ready.

You’re back! Yay, I missed you.

I didn’t even ask for a purse, but high-five, Stitch Fix, because the straps are wearing out on my old one.

Urban Expressions Robi classic work tote $48

Then, pants. I need some better lighting in my room. These are not black.

Now, when will I have time to get them hemmed…? Lemme check.

Looks like 2032.

I kinda liked the next piece:

But I had a concern.

I ended up keeping it because the Buy 5 discount meant it was cheap and besides now I can do this bit:

Then we have a non-wow-but-OK-for-work blouse:

Get fucked, tricky backs!

Last but not least, or maybe last and least, a non-wow-but-OK-for-work cardigan:

August Mist Hadlee brushed knit cardigan $44

That’s the Fixes.

In other fashion news, I ordered two pairs of flats from Zappos, and goddammit. I was thisclose to moving to a year-round-sandals climate because the only closed shoes that don’t shred my feet are sneakers and Timberlands, and neither really goes with slacks.

But I just went to DSW and tried on a couple pairs of flats that felt like butter going on. And that’s when I decided I would never buy another shoe that doesn’t feel like butter going on, the first time. None of this maybe they’ll stretch shit. I’ve never successfully broken in a pair of shoes. They either feel good immediately or they never will.

Anyhow, they’re not The World’s Cutest,

but as a 43-year-old exhausted fat single mom and middle school teacher, my threshold for pain-in-the-pursuit-of-cuteness has become narrow–almost imperceptible to the naked eye, in fact. And besides, they’re Cute Enough.

(The Atlantic recently published an article called “Why Women’s Shoes Are So Painful” that made me feel seen. The author basically narrated my experience. Of course, I made the mistake of reading the Facebook comments, and there were a bunch of women who were like, “Oh really? I’ve worn heels and flats my whole career, and I’ve never had any problems.” I resisted the urge to write, “WELL, CONGRATUFUCKINLATIONS ON YOUR PERFECT HOOVES, SHARON.”)

There you have it. I have another Fix coming in a week or two, and also I was thinking about hitting up Lane Bryant again? I haven’t been there since 2009, but I put on a pair of their pants the other day (yes, the ones I bought in 2009)–totally frayed and a victim of my trademark Swingline sartorial skillz–but very stretchy and flattering.

Anyhow, I hope to scratch together another post soon.

Hey, if you want to try Stitch Fix for yourself, please use this link. They’ll give me a $25 credit, and I’ll keep writing these silly blogs.

______________________

Become my patron on Patreon, and for as little as $1/month, see these posts early and get access to other super-secret posts!

Like Avid Bruxist on Facebook.
Follow Avid Bruxist on Twitter.

Read my other stuff at Fat CrossFitter and Baby Happy Pants.

Amy’s Fashion Misadventures: A Shirt Vomiting Another More Hideous Shirt Out the Back

Your fashion-challenged Avid Bruxist—she is back with another (mis)adventure! (For previous posts, scroll to the bottom and click the Fayshun tag.)

Oh Guinness, where do I start? I’m like three months behind on this ish, and I have more than just Stitch Fix to tell you about!

There’s BETABRAND.

There’s the THRIFT STORE.

There’s THAT’S ALL JUST THOSE TWO OTHER THINGS IT SEEMED LIKE A LOT MORE WHEN I STARTED THIS THOUGHT.

First things first, I’d been seeing those “go to work in your yoga pants” ads all over Facebook, and I was like, that sounds delightful, add to cart plz.

Admitted tactical error: ordering this pattern. Obvs, the length is a problem too, but that can be remedied.

What can’t be remedied? (1) The texture. They did not feel like yoga pants. Or maybe they felt like yoga pants previously napped in by a vv coarse-haired cat. So itchy. (2) To quote Kate quoting Michael Kors, “That has insane crotch.”

If you want to try Betabrand, which I don’t recommend, use this link and I’ll get 15 bucks off my next pair, which I’ll never buy because of the above reasons STOP SENDING ME EMAILS BETABRAND.

Moving on to better pants, i.e. these jeans from Stitch Fix.

Some of these pics won’t have captions because I lost the page that said what brand they were and how much they cost

Yay! Uniform dark wash! Checked in with Kate to confirm.

When Kate says mama likey, then baby keepy, and that sounded much grosser than I meant it to.

Moving on. Here are some other good pants.

Margaret M Sylvie printed straight-leg pant $98

Pattern’s hard to see. Here’s a closeup:

And those are all the pants that are fit to print. Let’s do a dress!

Kate and I agreed that the color palette on this was a thumbs-up.

My problem was that the pattern accentuated my widest parts, and hers was that it was too short for work. I quote: “You’d sit down and it’d be all how’s your mother here’s a show.”

Next up, this shirt demonstrates why…

…you always check the rear view!

<100 horrified face emojis>

Let’s keep going with shirts. Here’s a totally OK shirt:

Kut from the Kloth Kaelynn mixed-material top

Look, I get it–I’m paying not just for clothes but for someone to shop for those clothes, but let’s grant the premise that this is a $15 Kohl’s shirt–that means I’m paying my proxy $43 to hit the bargain bin. I shan’t do it.

Here’s another totally OK shirt:

Kate agreed it was just OK. I sent it back.

Now for a shirt that was not totally OK.

Kate agreed.

How about a cardigan with toddler accessory?

I haven’t worn it yet because it’s been global warming outside, but I think I will.

I’m still such a fashion noob. Sometimes I don’t know simple things like whether you button…?

or don’t button?

I kept it, but I haven’t worn it yet. As I mentioned, global warming, plus I’m still not sure I should’ve kept it.

Here’s a boring sweater I sent back. Not even the elbow patches could retrieve it from Boringville.

August Mist Josey elbow-patch pullover $44

I’m wearing more dresses these days, so this number left me in a bit of a quandary.

Ultimately decided the idea wasn’t well executed and sent it back.

Welcome to another episode of Check the Back!

Andrew Marc Performance Annwin cut-out knit shirt $38

I hope the problem is the shirts and not my back.

I’m still confused about accessorizing. I can often figure out which earrings will go with that outfit or which necklace will go with that outfit, but I don’t know which earrings will go with that necklace.

I probably should’ve kept these because they’re simple and would’ve gone with things, but they were… I can’t remember. Like in the 30-dollarses.

On the opposite hand, this necklace was too fancy for my taste:

Bancroft Sunshine filigree statement necklace $34

The good news is I found summa them bead necklaces I was looking for when Stitch Fix sent me that… thing.

All at the thrift store for like 99 cents each!

OK, I saved another goodie for the end for you. I had an opinion about this shirt, but I wanted to see what Kate would say. Reader, take a minute and really think about what YOU think about it. See if it matches Kate’s and my assessment. (Ignore the pants.)

Market & Spruce Evelia mixed-material boatneck $58

Ready?

If you chose Burn It with Fire, you win!

Hey, if you want to try Stitch Fix for yourself, please use this link. They’ll give me a $25 credit, and I’ll keep writing these silly blogs.

______________________

Become my patron on Patreon, and for as little as $1/month, see these posts early and get access to other super-secret posts!

Like Avid Bruxist on Facebook.
Follow Avid Bruxist on Twitter.

Read my other stuff at Fat CrossFitter and Baby Happy Pants.

Amy’s Fashion (Mis)Adventures: #no #booshit

Your fashion-challenged Avid Bruxist, she is back with more (mis)adventures! (If you want to read previous Stitch Fix/fashion posts, scroll to the bottom and click the Fayshun tag.)

Let’s jump right in with a #no. Don’t get me wrong–I love a peasant blouse but not this peasant blouse.

Brina & Em Pomona embroidery detail top $34

As always, Kate could articulate it perfectly.

Question: Am I too old for pigtails?

I have no interest in jellies, but pretty much my whole beach vacation, I had my sister-in-law do double French braids, and tbh I’d do them myself 6 out of 7 days except my arms get real tired.

Moving on. Stitch Fix did it again. I mean, it’s fine. It’s fine. V-necks flatter me; it’s basic black; the cut is decent. But as usual

Looking back on previous fashion posts, I’m astounded by how much #booshit I kept. I kept items that were not right, just because I thought they were the best I could get, or maybe the best I deserved. But the best I can get, what I deserve, is clothing that makes me feel great. Not

I feel like there’s a life lesson in there.

Next we had these pants that kinda looked and sorta felt like a fuzzy bathrobe.

Ellen Tracy Kellan belted wide leg pant $89.50

And hard as my knee-jerk #no was, I had the weird feeling that Kate would disagree, and I was right.

(Note: The orange biker sweatshirt mentioned below is a seminal fashion moment for your Avid Bruxist. If you weren’t around for it, click here.)

She didn’t hate them?

She said work, sure, but I just couldn’t do it. Felt like a clown, and eighty-nine and a half ducats is too dear for this Bozo. Sent them back.

Papermoon Farfalla back cutout blouse $38

Kate let me know Boden is a British clothing company that she’s obsessed with, and Ravello is one of their signature shirts. It’s a good shirt. Might have to get some.

Though, you know what? Part of my battle against diet culture/diet mentality has been curating my social media feeds to include body diversity, and man!, looking at Boden’s website has reminded me that most companies still feature only your garden-variety, taller-than-average, near-anorexic model. Stahp. For fuck’s sake. Maybe I won’t buy your goddamn Ravello.

Speaking of taller-than-average, I myself am not. I’m not even averager-than-average. You wouldn’t think that would matter when it comes to accessories, but that’s where you’re wrong.

Bay to Baubles Trevor long metal teardrop pendant $28

To be fair, “long” was in the name, but

She makes me google so many things! Apparently, JVN is Jonathan Van Ness of Queer Eye fame, and everything for him is a “moment.”

Since the first draft of this post, I’ve started watching QE, and I. Am. Obsessed.

Except with the episode where they solve police brutality against black men with a chat and a hug. That one made me want to throw my TV out the window.

Hey, if you want to try Stitch Fix for yourself, please use this link. They’ll give me a $25 credit, and I’ll keep writing these silly blogs.

______________________

Become my patron on Patreon, and for as little as $1/month, see these posts early and get access to other super-secret posts!

Like Avid Bruxist on Facebook.
Follow Avid Bruxist on Twitter.

Read my other stuff at Fat CrossFitter and Baby Happy Pants.

Amy’s Fashion (Mis)Adventures: Golden Girls on the Lanai

Your fashion-challenged Avid Bruxist, she is back with more (mis)adventures! (If you want to read previous Stitch Fix/fashion posts, scroll to the bottom and click the Fayshun tag.)

For those just joining us, the way this works is: Stitch Fix sends me a package, and I try on the items and text my amateur impressions to my superfave Kate, who responds with her expert opinions.

Kate has an eye for fashion/lewks. First, she watches RuPaul’s Drag Race like all the time, except she calls it RuPaul’s Dreg Race because you can take the girl out of the Midwest, but you can’t take the flat vowels out of the girl.

Second, she likes it, and I’m not saying I don’t, but I’m all product and no process. I feel about fashion the way I feel about food. I like eating but not cooking. I like wearing cute clothes but not shopping/trying on/selecting. If that sounds to you like I just like results without putting any work, then you are very good at reading comprehension.

That being said, my sartorial acumen has improved over the last few years to the point where I at least know if something is a slam dunk, like this:

By “seeming detail,” she meant “seaming detail,” and by “the ladies,” she meant “your boobs.” So even though $118 is a lotta clams, I had to keep this one.

I did not have to keep the next one.

It was a couple inches too long, and as Kate said, the pattern was “VV Golden Girls on the lanai.”

I’d say one piece out of every Stitch Fix is the emperor’s new clothes–an item they’re pretending is something but it’s really nothing, like this t-shirt. It had a seam detail straight down the back, but otherwise it was just a t-shirt.

Z Supply Atwell Linen Blend Knit Top $34

Have I mentioned that Kate is a giant nerd? Anyway, I can get t-shirts at Target for like $8 and in better colors.

Friends, how do we feel about white blouses? I feel good about the idea of a white blouse, and I have at least one in my closet, but I can count on zero hands the number of times I’ve worn a white blouse in the last five years. I can tell you though–if I were going to wear a white blouse, it wouldn’t be this one:

I got an A+ from Kate on my assessment.

Have I mentioned that Kate occasionally skateboards in work clothes with her pet raccoon?

As you may have noticed, accessories from Stitch Fix have been hit or juuuuuust a bit outside.

Remember last Fix’s baroque BDSM necklace? So I was apprehensive to open the box this time, but I was pleasantly surprised.

So I tried them on for her. Please excuse my hair. I… I don’t wash it.

I mean I wash it.

I wash it sometimes.

Kate said the earrings were cute and also my face. I mean my face was also cute, not the earrings were also my face.

Hey, if you want to try Stitch Fix for yourself, please use this link. They’ll give me a $25 credit, and I’ll keep writing these silly blogs.

______________________

Become my patron on Patreon, and for as little as $1/month, see these posts early and get access to other super-secret posts!

Like Avid Bruxist on Facebook.
Follow Avid Bruxist on Twitter.

Read my other stuff at Fat CrossFitter and Baby Happy Pants.

Amy’s Fashion (Mis)Adventures: The Birds & the Bees

Your fashion-challenged Avid Bruxist, she is back with another Fix! (If you want to read previous Stitch Fix/fashion posts, scroll to the bottom and click the Fayshun tag.) As always, Kate will play the role of consigliere.

Get excited! This is a double post because I can’t keep up with shit while working and parenting and mowing the gotdamn lawn.

Guess what Stitch Fix did! They put a bird on it! Again! And I am here for it. I’d be happy if my closet were a straight-up apiary.

Wait, googling.

No, I meant aviary.

Though if they sent me a bumblebee print shirt next time, I would keep that shit.

Mix by 41 Hawthorn Ellie Printed 3/4 Sleeve $48

Keep this part about the statement necklace in mind, reader. This is what English teachers call foreshadowing.

Next, we had some white jeans.

Kut from the Kloth Judy Distressed Capri $88

My concerns were twofold. Length and color. I didn’t know what the right length is, but I felt like it was not whatever length this was. Kate confirmed my suspicions.

(For the record, not obvs.)

(Also for the record, Y THEY NOT LISSEN TO ME ABOUT DISTRESSED SHIT. NO WANT.)

Myriad problems with the next piece.

Kate’s response was: Oh Nooooooooo! You know I’ll always welcome a show of your ladies… But that garment wounds me. That print is 90s working woman realness, usually found on a dress worn with socks and white sneaks for the commute. And why are there so many open holes and ties?! Why?!

It’s a mystery.

I wasn’t sure about this dress, especially because it would require a strapless bra, and the people who make strapless bras, much like the people who make shapewear, are sadists, but Kate was into it.

Most of the jewelry Stitch Fix has sent me is either garbage or ugly or both (more foreshadowing!), but I loved these earrings.

Bay to Baubles Elan Filigree Drop Earrings $28

Now, let’s move on to the second Fix, which was a total bust. First one in a long time–maybe ever–that I sent all five pieces back.

(Note: For every Fix, you pay a $20 styling fee, which is subtracting from your total if you keep any items. So if you don’t buy anything, it’s like throwing twenty bucks out the window. But you can instead commit to a whole year of styling–as many Fixes as you want– for $49, which I did a couple months ago. Ergo, I didn’t lose any money sending everything back this time.)

Liked the first thing fine, but.

Skies are Blue Airika woven lace front knit top $48(!)

Kate agreed that the price was nuts.

You know that scene in The Devil Wears Prada when Meryl Streep excoriates Anne Hathaway because she scoffs at the choice between two belts which look exactly the same to her? I definitely am Anne Hathaway-level ignorant about fashion, but I’m getting a very slow, very limited education during this whole process. I’m learning things. Like the difference between denim and chambray.

[Typo: still = silk]

ID: 23 Hayford one pocket chambray top $46

Kate has on more than one occasion warned me off boob pockets, so I knew that would be an issue, but she also said the sleeves were too short. Noted.

I know there are women who can wear skirts and dresses without something running interference between their thighs. I just wonder what that life is like. Seems amazing.

Speaking of thighs, I’m really, really trying to get to a place of, if not body positivity, at least body neutrality. I’m trying to reject social constructs of beauty and unrealistic societal body standards.

I’m just not there yet.

In addition, you could see the pocket outline which means these size 16 shorts were too small. I’m trying not to be sad about that. Being a human woman is hard.

Anyway, let’s get back to the statement necklace. I told my stylist I wanted a chunky beaded necklace to go with the bird blouse. I was thinking something like this

but maybe in aqua or pink.

What I got was this:

Bay to Baubles Ani floral statement necklace $42

As I’ve mentioned before, I don’t know what my personal style is, but I know what it’s not–this hideous thing. I would pay $42 if the company would promise never to manufacture another one.

Hey, if you want to try Stitch Fix for yourself, please use this link. They’ll give me a $25 credit, and I’ll keep writing these silly blogs.

______________________

Become my patron on Patreon, and for as little as $1/month, get access to super-secret posts!

Like Avid Bruxist on Facebook.
Follow Avid Bruxist on Twitter.

Read my other stuff at Fat CrossFitter and Baby Happy Pants.

Amy’s Fashion (Mis)Adventures: Sad UPS Driver Realness

Your fashion-challenged Avid Bruxist, she is back with another Fix! (If you want to read previous Stitch Fix/fashion posts, scroll to the bottom and click the Fayshun tag.)

If you’re just joining us, I am bad at fashion, and my friend Kate is good at fashion, so she is my stylist. Her duties include coaching me on what to keep and what to send back to Stitch Fix every month. I pay her for her services in love. But not romantic love because she’s already married.

Let’s do this! First piece:

Daniel Rainn Estefany lace detail split neck blouse $64

That’s right, I’m here for all your 2011 Portlandia references. #hepcat

It’s kind of sheer so I should probably wear a cami under it. That will just depend on how much I give a shit that day, I guess. But yay! First piece is a keeper!

Then, oh no!

An obvious no at a fraction of the NINETY-EIGHT DOLLAR price–WHAT?!, but then came a bit of textual confusion.

Hummingbird Liara knot-front knit top $32

My feelings were, it was a shirt.

The thing about Stitch Fix prices is they’re always high for the quality, but you have to factor in that somebody else is shopping for you, which for me is worth a lot lot lot, so $32 for this shirt–I was like wellallrightfine.

Next we have an accessory:

Bancroft Amile circle-link layering necklace $34

I didn’t keep it because it was just a thing, and a $34 one at that, but it did remind me that accessories exist. I hadn’t actually unpacked my jewelry after my move. Nine months ago.

So I did that! I hung up my accessory hanger! Ergo, the Stitch Fix necklace served a purpose.

Last item is (Brian Fellows voice) A DRESSSSSSSSS! That’s right, I’m here for all your 1999 Saturday Night Live references.

I wore it to Kate’s wedding, which was not actually her wedding because she got married 15 months ago up in DC but more like a party to remind everybody she got married. I even wore makeup! The same makeup Kate made me buy… in 2012. I know you’re supposed to throw your makeup out every six months, but if I did that, I’d be throwing away makeup that I used thrice, and that’s not sound economic or environmental policy.

Anyway, that reminded me that I really only know 1.5 makeup lewks–the one she and Meg taught me and I taught you in the days of yore, and then a little red lipstick jobby that I pull out on occasion. I should probably learn some more about makeup. Beauty iz harrrrrrrrrrd, you guys.

If you want to try Stitch Fix for yourself, please use this link. They’ll give me a $25 credit, and I’ll keep writing these silly blogs.

______________________

Become my patron on Patreon, and get access to super-secret posts!

Like Avid Bruxist on Facebook.
Follow Avid Bruxist on Twitter.

Read my other stuff at Fat CrossFitter and Baby Happy Pants.

Stitch Fix, Redux: Parts 3 & 4, I Can’t Keep Up With My Life You Guys

Your fashion-challenged Avid Bruxist, she is back with another Fix! Actually two–I’m behind schedj.

My internet was out when I got the first Fix, so I had to throw it back to a simpler time. I took pix on my computer, hitched the ox to my covered wagon, and traversed the treacherous 1/2 mile to Kate’s house. How did the pioners do it?!

I knew these pants had problems, namely that they were slightly too long and the seam on the bottom of the pocket hits at exactly the widest part of my saddlebags.

Tinsel Casia Frayed Hem Chino Pant ($50)

But they are soft as puddin’, and I loooooove the color, and look how great they make my butt look:

So Kate’s “hmm… yeah… big pockets” was considered and rejected. Keeper.

But then

Liverpool Elizabeth Super Skinny Jean ($78)

ugh. Also too long, but by a mile–hello, elephant legs–and

UGH, the distance between my back and that waistband! I could fit a whole package of Oreos in there!

Oh dang, maybe I should’ve kept them.

Then there was this sweater, which fit pretty well.

Skies Are Blue Blivin Ribbed Fitted V-Neck Pullover ($58)

Kate’s problem was that it whiffed of a long-blouse-under-a-tight-sweater ensemble from long about ’98, but that was not an issue for me because I LOVED THAT LOOK. Keeper.

The next item was an automatic no because I could barely get it over my bewbs, but even if it had fit, Kate’s quote was

Collective Concepts Adda Ruffle Trim Cross ($64)

“Oh, are you going to a Ren faire? What is happening?! The fly away and the sheer and the boob slings and the ruffles and is that a tie?!”

It was, dear reader. It was a tie.

In sum, there were too many design elements going on.

Then there was… whatever this was.

Skies Are Blue Darice Cold Shoulder Blouse ($54)

I recoiled at the 90s rental beach condo upholstery pattern, but there was something else Kate couldn’t put her finger on. Turns out, it was that I don’t know how to put on clothes. It was supposed to be like this:

Kate and I are in agreement about the cold shoulder lewk–fart noise–so wearing it as the designer intended didn’t help.

So that was the first Fix. I wear the red pants alllllll the time and the sweater enough to make it worthwhile.

Moving on to the second Fix. My internet was back up, so I could use textual messaging like a normal person.

Skies Are Blue McClain Crochet Panel Knit Top ($54)

It was similar to a Gap blouse I bought a million years ago on a shopping trip with Kate. (Kind of hard to see, but it’s the second to last picture in Fayshun! Amy Goes Rogue and It Doesn’t Go That Well.) I didn’t like this one as much as the old one, but because of my laundry philosophy (“Everything is machine washable if you just believe”), the old one was pilling and faded.

Kate said this new shirt worked, so there you go. Also working for Kate despite my display of arm cellulite:

41 Hawthorn Tristana Essential Knit Faux Wrap Dress ($78)

Wrap does my shape right, v-neck always works for me, and skirt hits the knee at that mythical “right spot” apparently.

Then oh my goodness. What even. Woe. WOE.

Q&A Nebula Peplum Keyhole Detail Blouse ($58) and Margaret M Christiana Jacquard Printed Pencil Skirt ($78)

Kate and I agreed. Four thumbs down.

Don’t worry, reader–I too had to google peplum.

Evolution by Cyrus Yashi Fitted Bell Sleeve ($64)

In short, no, no compelling reason.

Last time I clicked the “my stylist didn’t listen to me” button, they sent me a message that made me think they put her out the airlock, so I decided to stay mum this time.

Do I want to continue despite this service’s imperfections? I do. I hate shopping that much. I may in the near future switch to a plus-size service like Dia&Co because I seem to be getting more and more plus-sized. Might have something to do with the fact that I eat like a high school athlete and exercise 3/4-heartedly once a week.

If you want to try Stitch Fix for yourself, please use this link. They’ll give me a $25 credit, and I’ll keep writing these silly blogs.

______________________

Become my patron on Patreon, and get access to super-secret posts!

Like Avid Bruxist on Facebook.
Follow Avid Bruxist on Twitter.

Read my other stuff at Fat CrossFitter and Baby Happy Pants.

Stitch Fix, Redux: Part 2 with Bonus Shoes

Your fashion-challenged Avid Bruxist is back with another Fix! Kate, as always, will play the role of consigliere.

Let’s jump right in.I thought these would be a slam dunk with Kate, but no.

I kept them, but tbh, I haven’t worn them yet, so I can’t comment on the degree of #footmurder. (More on that topic below.)

For the next item, I had two questions:

I was glad Kate and I were horrified in equal measure, because seriously, Stitch Fix, what the everloving fuck. Kate said it looked like my pubic hair was outside my pants. Maybe my note to my stylist should’ve said, “Nothing that resembles a merkin, thx.”

Then Kate threw me for a loop-de-loo though because she said, “The upside is they look like they fit real well,” and added a bunch of peach emojis. If you’re not familiar, that’s what kids these days use to express what our generation meant by dat ass. That’s right–in my day, we used words.

Anyhow, I was like

Wut

Really?

Because I did not think they made me look good. I thought they made me look exactly how I look, i.e., wide and bulgy.

Moot point because they were in all other ways a catastrophe. Back they went.

Next up were some stretchy slacks. I was leaning toward no because they had a fold in the crotch.

But Kate gave ’em the thumbs-up, said dark maroon was a good neutral and they went well with the shoes. I was psyched about it because I need pants like whoa. Even my fattest pants are hurting my feelings these days.

I’ve worn them a few times, and they’re really comfy, but by the end of the day I have to do a bit o’ the ol’ heave-ho to keep them around my waist. Suppose I should invest in some suspenders.

For the next item, I had two sads:

Kate informed me that boxy sweaters are only good on people with 3% body fat, and I haven’t had mine tested lately, but I’m guessing like 85-89%?

Sorry, did I say two sads? I meant three.

Kate had some strong, specific words.

I do feel like I’m able now to tell horrific from fabulous. It’s the gray area in the middle I still struggle with, like this shirt:

Kate said it was fine, a decent basic, but I have several other black shirts and decided it just wasn’t necessary.

By the way, lest you think my life is nothing but glam, here’s a behind-the-scenes look at my fashion shoot.

Peek-a-boo.

Ohai.

GET OUTTA MY ROOM, SPAWN.

I meant to put in brands and prices again this time, but I lost the paper. They were the usual–brands you’ve never heard of, and too expensive for the quality but better than <shiver> going shopping.

OK, back to #footmurder. Some friends and readers have made suggestions over the years about flats to try. One person suggested Josef Seibel. In particular, she said that the Pippa flat, though expensive ($115 on Zappos), felt good when she tried them on and after a day of running around. I did some searching, and some of them were really cute, but I’ve been converted by Kate to Things that Elongate, and now I feel like it’s pointy toes or nothing for me. Round-toed flats just seem to highlight my ever-increasing rotundity.

Somebody else recommended Rothys. Also $$$$–specifically 145 doll hairs, but if I used her link, I’d get 20 bucks off. And they had pointy-toed models. And they’re made out of recycled water bottles, so that appealed to the lazy environmentalist in me.

Cute, right?! These might be a game changer because, when I put them on, they felt completely different from other flats–not stiff at all. After a day of wearing them at work, they still rubbed a little on my heel and pushed down on my big toenail. (Do I have freakishly tall big toes?) I think they just need some breaking in, so I’m hopeful.

I also ordered threw some red Lucky brand flats (about $70) in my Zappos cart.

They felt a bit hurty during Day 1 but again may just need some jitterbugging around in. The search for #footjustice continues!

Oh, by the by, Zappos needs to fix its algorithm because I filtered tall boots for wide calf, and well,

If you want to try Stitch Fix for yourself, please use this link. They’ll give me a $25 credit, and I’ll keep writing these silly blogs.

Also, if you look at Dasani bottles and think, “Those would look great on my feet,” use my Rothys referral link, and we’ll both get a discount.

______________________

Become my patron on Patreon, and get access to super-secret posts!

Like Avid Bruxist on Facebook.
Follow Avid Bruxist on Twitter.

Read my other stuff at Fat CrossFitter and Baby Happy Pants.