Author: avidbruxist

So Much More Than Retrobruxist Friday 1/4/13 or, How Many Times Can I Link to My Own Shit in One Post?, Also New Year’s Resolutions!

First of all, thanks for your comments/voicemails/emails of support, but I’m fine. I actually feel fine—no joke. I had been feeling more optimistic about this relationship than previous ones, so yes, I was a little disappointed when the Dutchman bowed out. And startled. He seemed in it to win it, you know? But I really do feel all right.

Because truth be told, my Man*—the honest-to-jeebus One—might say, “Duck,” on this same issue, but it’s not enough to make him say, “Goose.” I can guaran-damn-tee it. I got too much going for me. I feel good.

That being said, I’m not getting back on OKCupid. I’ve been banging my head against that wall too long. So the Universe is going to have to deliver me my partner some other way.

*GAH. I am so heteronormative (heterosexual?). I keep forgetting that I’m supposed to be open to lezzing out.

**********

Three years ago, I set the bar low. This year, I’m setting the bar, eh, maybe torso-high?

First, let’s reflect on last year’s resolutions, shall we? I don’t floss (#2) or make my bed (#4) as much as I had hoped I would, but heck if I haven’t reduced my sugar intake (#5) by pounds. GOOD FOR ME. I have a sugary treat a few times a week, maybe some Greek yogurt with various mix-ins (I feel a vlog coming on!). I don’t think about sugar as much, and that’s truly a revelation.

I tried to dress better (#1), but I didn’t really have the tools, did I? I give myself a pass on that one.

I did SO VERY WELL not engaging in political or religious debates on Facebook (#3). Not perfectly, but on the few occasions that I slipped up, I was usually able to sit on my hands after one comment.

My self-talk (#6) was not good. I utterly failed at being nice to myself. I’M A FAILURE. I SUCK.

Hahahaha.

I was in a romantic relationship (#7)… Can I count it as a two-year relationship since it spanned 2012-2013? I think so.

So this year! Here goes:

1. Manage my depression/anxiety. My treatment requires a cocktail of interventions: amino acids, vitamins, exercise, time with friends, dog-walks, and some sort of regular group or individual therapy. I had let the last bit slide for financial reasons, and that was a bad move. But as of yesterday, I’m back in the game!

Woohoo!

Mental health!

Yeah!

Yeah.

Ugh.

2. Eat even less sugar. I’m interested in what a no-sugar (except special occasions) Amy would feel like. This resolution will commence once I’ve finished the can of whipped cream in my fridge. And maybe my Greek yogurt. Maybe this resolution sucks?

3a. Dress better. Now I have the tools. Fashion! Gonna happen!

3b. Wear makeup. But listen, I just can’t bring myself to paint my face for work. It seems ridiculous—I teach sixth grade, plus I have to be there at 7:15am. Who even invented 7:15am? So my compromise is this: lipstick during the day (I’ll even re-apply!), mascara or full makeup (as I see appropriate) when I go out on weekend nights.

Deal?

Deal.

High-five.

4. Be positive about my job. One complaint a day. That’s all I get. This’ll be hard. I had used my one complaint by 8:20 this morning.

5. Keep a cleaner house. I love a clean house, and I’m good about tidying up for company, but I have trouble putting stuff away and vacuuming if nobody’s going to see it. I tried having a chore chart for myself—that didn’t work. I also used the old put-a-sticky-note-on-the-computer trick.

clean one thing
No dice.

I’ll take advice on how to implement this one.

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Two years ago, though I didn’t know it at the time, I wrote the original Cooking for Dumbs post! I have come so very far! My Mexican Braised Beef has gotten et at two different parties, and my bacon-wrapped dates continue to inspire all but marriage proposals!

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Speaking of parties, a year ago, I built my fire pit! Best investment of three days and 180 bucks ever. I’ve had, what?, eight or nine fires since then, including this New Year’s Eve. And that was a hellified good time.

Happy Retrobruxist Friday, y’all, and happy 2013! (What are your New Year’s resolutions?)

Reasons Why 2012 Was Great, Even Though I Hated It

My friend/coach ATD recently wrote a blog post called 10 Reasons Why 2012 Was Great. When I saw the title but before I read the post, I was like, “OH HELL NO 2012 SUCKED AND I’M SO GLAD IT’S ALMOST OVER PHFTHTHPT.” But I thought about my tendency toward the negative and my attempts to cultivate gratitude, and I figured I’d give it a try. I didn’t think I could come up with 10 things, but maybe five, you know? I jotted down 11 in a matter of minutes.

1. Working with people that I like. If you let me, I’ll bitch all day about my job, but truth is, I’ve never had a better teaching situation, so I’m gonna try to STFU with the complaints.

2. Time with the Scott clan. Particularly my nieces and nephews.

They are hilarious.
They are hilarious.

(The eldest/scribe was concerned that Santa might get his fingers snapped in one of various rodent traps that were… necessary at my dad’s house this year. The cheese in the fridge was fair game, but Mr. Claus seemed to be OK with the pretzel treats and whatnot.)

3. Tubing down the Dan River with my friends. I don’t have any photos because nobody has a waterproof camera. That’s probably a good thing.

4. Doing the Tough Mudder. So great. Also, really, really terrible.

5. The Monti. Hosting, putting my name in the hat, just sitting and listening. I enjoyed it all, and I learned so much each time.

6. Fostering Buffy and Tulip. Buffy’s mommies fostered a male dog after they adopted Buffy and ended up adopting him. Talk about paying it forward! And Tulip’s mommy is—well, I’ll put it this way: I can’t imagine a better situation for her. (Go to Tulip’s Facebook page, and scroll down to her status update for December 7. Tulip’s mommy and I wrote it together.)

7. Wire-Watching Zombie Squad. Four friends and I get together most Sundays and throw ourselves into a big pile on the couch and watch an unhealthy number of episodes of The Wire. And I love it. I just fucking love it.

8. Seeing Reggie Watts live with my buddy Kyle.

Do it if you get the chance.
Do it if you get the chance. It’s an experience like no other.

9. When Margo came to visit. I love Margo.

10. Being a CrossFit Durham athlete. I’m not “in shape” by any standard, but I’m definitely in the best shape of my life, and I’ve made so many new friends there.

Also the fact that Dave lets us go rogue and do ridiculous things. Exhibit A: the enTire Mile, an event conceived of by Shiv, during which six of us, taking turns in pairs, flipped a tractor tire an entire mile. Just for the hell of it.

Six of us flipped a tractor tire an entire mile.
That’s me on the left and Shiv on the right.

11. Costa Motherfucking Rica.

Being me, I also wrote down things that sucked about 2012, and I was startled how few I could come up with:

  • having a career that’s not my calling;
  • being thwarted at our first attempt at the Tough Mudder;
  • suffering from depression;
  • taking two big risks that didn’t end the way I wanted them to; and as a result,
  • still being single.

And, with the exception of the Mudder (which we got to do later), those are Big Things. I’m not going to say they’re not, or that they didn’t suck real, real, real bad. But you know what? There are a lot worse problems than not having your career dreams fulfilled, and my depression is probably a lifetime affliction that I’ll just have to manage, and I learned a lot about myself in the face of failure/rejection.

Moreover, I’m not really single right now, am I? It seems I have a Dutch boyfriend.

Treat, a Play in One Act

Setting: Present Day/Kitchen

Characters:
DOG-pit mix of approximately five years
DOG-pit mix of approximately three years
THE OWNER-middle-aged, single female

Curtain opens. Both DOGS sit by the door and look back and forth between THE OWNER and the treat jar.

THE OWNER: (indignant) You think I should give you a treat for just coming inside?!

(beat)

THE OWNER: OK, I’ll give you a treat for just coming inside.

Curtain.

The end

IMG_3568

What Not to Wear

As promised, Kate the Ginger Menace took me shopping. She, along with our friend Michelle, told me what to try on, what worked, what didn’t, and what would work if I had it tailored.

I’m not gonna lie—it was real stressful for me, and I had to do some deep breathing in Ann Taylor Loft, which was the first store we went into. But I bought stuff, and I told the girls as we walked out the door that I was giving myself an attitude adjustment for the rest of the stores, which I did pretty successfully I think.

The thing is, I don’t understand fashion. I’ve never considered myself a total shlub, but in the past, if I had jeans and a white t-shirt that were clean, I was wearing jeans and a white t-shirt. If I wasn’t wearing jeans and a white t-shirt, I must not have had any that were clean. And I mean, I didn’t own that many white t-shirts, so I wore other things. Like green t-shirts.

But you know, not boxy unisex t-shirts—fitted ladies’ ones that showed that I had a waist and also complemented my eyes. Moreover, my sister had a friend who once said she hated it when people wore running shoes “as attire”, and since then, I’ve always tried to reserve my sneakers for the gym and wear actual shoes when not there. (Except my super-cute pink and gray New Balance. But they’re super-cute.)

Kate, though, Kate wears real clothes and legit shoes and honest-to-god accessories. Every day. (She also wears makeup every day—that’s how she was able to give me the tutorial.) Girl always looks put together. So I listened intently to all her advice.

She had some good blanket statement guidelines, like

  • Work with neutrals (gray, brown, black, navy), but add a splash of color;
  • Boob pockets—not for people with boobs; and
  • A bendable ballet flat, no matter how expensive, is a shit shoe.

Stuff like that. I can remember that.

But the day was also full of new vocabulary (“saturated colors”) and conversations like

Kate: Higher. On the smallest part of your waist. (hitching my skirt up)
Me: Noooooooooooooooooooooo. 
Kate: Yes.
Me: It feels weird. I feel like a kindergartener! I feel like an old lady! I don’t know how I feel!
Kate: It looks better there.
Me: It’s above my belly button!
Kate: Right.
Me: (whimper)

And

Me: What kind of belt would I wear with this?
Kate: None. Unless it was a statement belt.
Me: What’s a statement belt?
Kate: A belt that makes a statement. That ties the outfit together.
Me: What if I just need a belt to hold my pants up?
Kate: (sigh) Then you need to get your pants altered.

And

Kate: The dark jeans and the turquoise top with the open shoulders and the purple jacket.
Me: Yeah.
Kate: That outfit says, “I’m here for sex.”
Me: “I’m here for sex.”
Kate: You’re there for sex.

I bought a bunch of stuff. When we got home, Kate laid everything out on her bed, and I took pictures, for reference, of all the outfits she made. And I’ve worn… some of it. The skirts, not yet, but it’s cold! I’ll wear them. Pretty sure I’ll wear them. At some point. I have to because when else will I get to wear my new

tall boots?!
tall boots?!
Tall boots!
I got really excited about the tall boots.

(The other option, other than skirts, is to buy skinny jeans <shudder> to tuck into them.)

Kate got a little concerned today because I haven’t worn many of the clothes yet. But I will, I promise! I know they’re good, they’ll make me look good, even if I don’t necessarily feel at home in them yet. It just takes me some time. Listen, I put on all the makeup last night even though I was going out to dinner with Michelle and her husband, neither of whom I feel the need to impress! Just because I was going out! Progress!

Anyway, maybe I’ll post some photos when I get to that point with the clothes. Like if I get a skirt and the tall boots on. Or if I’m there for sex.

Retrobruxist Friday 12/28/12

Hope all you Avid Bruxistists are having a lovely holiday or two or eight nights or however many days Kwanzaa is. Seven, right? Seven. Pretty sure it’s seven.

I just looked it up. It’s seven. Is it me or does the Official Kwanzaa Website need a graphic designer like whoa?

Three years ago… well, I figured out how to turn off the IM function shortly thereafter.

Me, Dad, last-minute shopping at Walgreen’s. Terrible consequences. Two years ago.

I can’t believe it was a year ago that I found this guy. I still get sad about him sometimes. But he meant two 2012 miracles for me. One step back, two steps forward.

Happy Retrobruxist Friday, y’all.