Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!

Geoff was under the weather (pun intended), so Dave, Matt, and I were on our own for Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! 

Fin sprints through DC trying to… save someone? Escape? Make it to BOGO sushi? No, he’s gonna be late to a ceremony at the White House honoring him for all his shark-related heroism.

Cut to Florida–Tara Reid is pregnant! And walking with her mom, Bo Derek, who looks bored.

Fin not only makes it to the ceremony in time, but he finds?/buys?/borrows? a tux for the occasion. President Mark Cuban knights him or something–I can’t concentrate because the vice president is ANN FUCKING COULTER. 

The mayor of New York also inducts him into the Order of the Golden Chainsaw, which feels a bit of a letdown after the president’s thing. 

Despite the festive air, Fin can feel it: DC is not safe. Moments later, sharks precipitate–on the streets, into the mall pond. One lands like a baby in Abraham Lincoln’s lap. 

Back in the White House, Mark McGrath and ANN FUCKING COULTER remove portrait paintings from the walls and surf down sharky stairwells on them. Because.

The president and Fin shoot sharks with all manner of firearm. The president tosses a grenade into the mouth of an incoming shark.

Matt: “Ceviche.” 

They jump out a second-story window and suffer no ill-effects just before the Washington Monument demolishes the White House! This is very exciting.

Then Finn, the president, ANN FUCKING COULTER, and somebody else recreate the Iwojima photo but instead of raising the flag they impale a shark. 

Me: “Fish kebab.” (Actually, I didn’t say that–I’m just jealous of Matt’s ceviche joke.)

On the phone, Tara Reid urges Fin to hurry up and get to Florida before she gives birth, which feels doable because it’s like a two-day road trip and she looks like she’s got like four months of gestating left to do, but he hitchhikes the hell outta there.

Some reporter is interviewing Michelle Bachman about the increase in sharknados, and Dave was like, “Remember when we thought she and Sarah Palin were bad?” And we all took a moment to comfort our sweet-summer-inner-children. 

Fin arrives in a ghost town. It’s too foggy to see. Suddenly, people run past–the budget allowed for at least nine extras on this day of shooting! You’ll never guess what they’re running from. It’s sharks! Fortunately, who shows up but a hot ninja-kicking chick with absolutely gorgeous tits and also Frankie Muniz. They take Fin into their vehicle, which is an armored-car-slash-lab with a dissected shark corpse that looks like it was made from Legos. I think they discuss science?, but Frankie Muniz is a significantly better actor than anyone else in this production, and tbh, it’s distracting. 

In Florida, a shark drops in the hotel pool. Tara Reid revs her chainsaw hand and then doesn’t use it for anything at all. Come on, Tara–didn’t you learn about Chekhov’s chainsaw hand in English I? Then Tara and Bo[red] Derek sit at the hotel bar and have a drink. The choices these characters make are just wild.

Fin and Hot Tits are going to fly an old army plane to Florida, while Frankie Muniz stays back to…I’m not sure. Frankie says goodbye by leaning his head lovingly on Fin’s pecs for longer than you would imagine.

Matt: “I WOULD.”

Me: “SUBSCRIBE.”

Fin and Hot Tits crash the plane into a river and COME OUT ALMOST NAKED??? THIS IS VERY SEXY.

Fin calls his dad, who is David Hasselhoff, and he is acting, and he is an astronaut, naturally. He and Fin are going to fly a space shuttle into the storm and use a laser? To blow it up? Fin nods at himself in the mirror. You know what, we should all nod at ourselves in the mirror more often. Then he walks through steam in slow motion in his astronaut suit. We should also do that.  

Tara Reid–pregnant–catches up to her non-pregnant husband and accidentally ends up in a (maternity?) space suit in the space shuttle as it’s taking off, as one does. The spaceship looks like it was made from dollar-store craft supplies. Like, I saw an improv show a month ago where the improvisers were in a “space shuttle” made of four office chairs, and it was more realistic.

Anthony Weiner is in the control room. Every sequel gets its own sex pest! 

David Hasselhoff pulls an Armageddon-Bruce-Willis and says he’s going to sacrifice himself to fulfill the plan because he wants to be Fin’s hero, and this whole couchful of queers is legitimately tearing up about it. 

Tara goes into labor and gets eaten by a spaceshark. Fin jumps inside another one, and both sharks fall earthward and get fricasseed upon reentry. Fin cuts through the side of the one who swallowed Tara and out pops HIS BABY. Tara climbs out, and three is the magic number. 

What an oeuvre! The writer, producer, and director were definitely on cocaine for the entire process, and I approve.