The applications are flooding—flooding—in for the Baby Bruxist Spooj-Selection Committee. Shiv told me I have a very vigorous screening process, which I do! I have to! Listen to some of the great skills of the applicants:
- dodgeball winning;
- untying knots;
- Humpty Dancing;
- joining things (like clubs and causes, not like dovetailing wood); and
- poignantly crying.
Also, one guy says he has an in with an anesthesiologist, so he can probably get me some Class C drugs for the delivery. That baby’ll slither out, and I won’t even know it happened!
My sister nominated herself as committee chair, and I seconded the motion. All in favor? Aye. All opposed? <crickets> SHUT UP, CRICKETS—NOBODY ASKED YOU. YOUR VOTE DOESN’T COUNT.
Motion passes.
Crowdsourcing my pregnancy is probably the greatest decision I ever made.
If you haven’t gotten your application in yet, there’s still time, but act fast—I can feel my ovaries withering inside me.
