Some sperm banks have a Donor Look-Alike menu. Like, in addition to sorting donors by eye color, height, ethnicity, and astrological sign—are you fucking kidding me?—you can also search for jizz-givers that resemble your favorite actor, rockstar, or professional tennis player.
Some of them I’d never heard of, like Alexander Skarsgard who I had to Google—meow!—and Lance Guest who they clarified with a parenthetical “Last Starfighter”. I’m assuming that’s a recent starring vehicle of his, but I didn’t bother to search the internet for him because Lance Guest is a dumb name and “Last Starfighter” sounds like a rip-off of Star Trek on the CW network. You know, where it’s all sculpted 20-somethings playing angsty teens and doing a lot of chin-acting. While fighting stars. And I couldn’t tolerate having a kid who looks like anyone whose parents named him Lance and who has made such poor hypothetical career choices.
Several had “(young)” next to their names:
Alec Baldwin (young)
Al Pacino (young)
Just, I guess, so you wouldn’t think you were getting the bloated/wizened versions that show up on your TV or movie screen these days.
A couple had the name, and then the name again with “(young)” next to it:
Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris (young)
I mean, the cut-off age for donors is 39, so are they saying that have a donor who looks like a Chuck Norris in his prime and another less-than-40-year-old who looks 73?
Well, I guess it doesn’t matter. It’s Chuck Norris.
Unless he shaves his beard.
If I were to choose the Chuck Norris look-alike, that baby’d better emerge from my womb fully bearded or I’d demand a refund.
They specified that it was the thin Seth Rogen and the Anthony Edwards from Top Gun. Whew.
They had a few I was drawn to—Andy Samberg, Jason Segel, Ricky Gervais—until I remembered these were look-alikes, not funny-alikes. I don’t want somebody who looks like Andy Samberg unless he can also generate some “Threw It on the Ground” action.
Same with John Krasinski. What if my baby’s a dead ringer for Jim Halpert but can’t do a perfect deadpan-followed-by-minute-eyebrow-raise? I’d be so disappointed.
Before I saw No Country for Old Men, I would’ve picked a Javier Bardem doppelgänger in a hot second, but his portrayal of Anton Chigurh insured that that’ll never happen. Also that I’ll never sleep a perfect night’s sleep again.
And then there was Bronson Pinchot. I… I don’t think looking like Bronson Pinchot is a selling point. I think, just as a business decision, the sperm bank might want to keep that to themselves.