There I was, expressing my wildly swinging emotions about… some topic. I don’t know—this was probably 8 years ago. But I do remember what my friend Cat said: “Well, sometimes possibility is winning, and sometimes your concerns are winning.”
It was such a simple paraphrasing of what I’d been ruminating on. It was as if I had been spinning in circles, rising into the air, and she had grabbed my ankles and given them a toss earthward. Thunk, thunk, my feet were planted. All was steady.
Because they’re both fiction—possibility and concerns. Neither is real. Neither is what’s happening right now in the moment. Neither can be measured. The battle is a fantasy.
Every so often, I’m reminded that this battle between what’s possible and what’s worrisome rages on, but I feel like I’d benefit from keeping this concept closer to the decision-making part of my brain. (Especially since my concerns tend to occur to me not as obstacles to be overcome but instead as immovable barriers.)
Plus, I’ve noticed a predisposition toward one or the other at different times, so in the spirit of knowing thmyself, I’m going to make a list. I should probably post it on the fridge. Or tattoo it onto my forearm.
Historically, when possibility has been winning:
- mornings when I wake up without an alarm
- pretty much all mid-mornings
- Daylight Savings Time
- when I’m pleasantly busy (“Action is the antidote to despair.” -Joan Baez)
- generally speaking, if I’m dancing or hula hooping
- 66% of the time I’m at the gym
- 79% of dog walks
- 94% of the time I spend with family/friends
- 100% of times I’m floating on a tube down a river
Historically, when my concerns have had the upper hand:
- mornings when I wake up with an alarm and/or before 7:30am
- late afternoons, on days I don’t go to the gym
- when I wake up in the middle of the night
- non-Daylight Savings Time
- when I spend too much time by myself
- generally speaking, if I see pictures of myself working out or video of myself dancing
- days 21-28 of my cycle
- when people deviate from the script I have in my head
- when I have too much free time and not enough structure
- Sunday evenings
If I can stay aware and recognize when concerns are on top, I’m not saying I’ll be able to wrestle them down, but at least I can say, “Oh, look who showed up. It’s Concerns. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Sure. Gotcha. Thanks for sharing, Concerns. Now fuck off.”
When possibility’s in the lead, that’s when I need to make plans and get shit done.
What about you guys? Do you have certain times when you’re predisposed to letting one or the other win?
Wow. You just described my life. Your idea to post this in front of your (my) face is a good one. I am making my own list right now.
30 years ago i wrote a bad poem which began- if i ever decide to kill mysef it will be between 3 and 5 pm. this was after i was diagnosed with chronic depression and put on anti-depressants which pretty much control it. and yet, at least 4-5 times a year that line springs into my head. i try and nap between 3-5 and fill my life as busy as i can in between. and i consider myself a pretty happy person. so- possibility/concerns. hard to tell them apart sometimes.
love you
As usual, very thoughtinsightful (hey, a play on your thmyself). Pondering time, Omar.
sunday nights concerns win in my head, too. i feel like this could be fixed if a normal work week was monday afternoon – friday afternoon. then i could do my worrying on monday morning and mondays are shit days anyway so it’s not like i’m losing part of my weekend to concerns.
I feel you, girl. My concerns win October-March, which sucks because weather wise, those are my favorite months of the year. My body loves fall/winter, but my brain goes right to the shitter. Working out is the possibility maker for me almost every time, too- I guess sweat is my Prozac? Anyways, good on you for recognizing your good and bad triggers- knowing why I feel crappy has been a huge help for me, and I hope it will be for you, too.
Evan Dando of the Lemonheads once described in an interview the uneasiness of Sunday evenings as “That Sunday kind of yikes”. I *loathed* Sunday nights growing up, because although I was great at academics, I was ridiculously inept at social graces and every Sunday evening a whole new week in which I was going to socially embarrass myself again stared me right in the face.
I’ve never had a job where I had weekends off, and that may have something to with it.
I am most full of possibilities when I am cleaning and organizing things. Or dancing. Or holding my fiance’s hand. On days I make my bed, watch out world!
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