The illustrious head_of_fema and I got together yesterday afternoon to view another awesomely bad movie, Dinocroc vs. Supergator, which he owns on Blu-Ray, natch. Matt had first suggested Halle Berry’s Catwoman, but when I read that D vs. S included David Carradine “in one of his final performances [before he killed himself jerking off in Thailand]”, I knew it was time for us to see some people getting eaten. Getting et.
By the way, previews included Dinoshark (exactly what you might imagine from the title) and Cyclops (“A general will be betrayed. Alliances will be forged. Revenge will be delivered,” said they. “Passive voice will be used,” replied I.)
…And now I’m thinking Roger Corman should probably produce Dinoshark vs. Cyclops.
OK, onward!
Alarms are blaring at Drake Industries Research Lab in Hawaii. “Everybody out now! It’s escaped!” yells a blond MILF in a lab coat, never mind that if it has escaped—just an idea but—maybe everybody should stay in. At 0:46, the Dinocroc or the Supergator, one, has its first white-coated snack. (Matt and I never figured out which beast was which. All I know is one had a lopey T-Rex gait, and the other ran low to the ground and wide, like Tulip.)
Dr. MILF hides behind a palm tree and gets on the phone. She calls Drake (David Carradine), who is smoking a cigar and having his blood pressure taken by a stripper nurse—oops, sorry, stripper doctor. My bad. He gets the low-down on what’s happening at his research facility from Dr. MILF, who then watches the other beast bust through a wall and flatten a dude. So many white-coated people get et.
Next up are the credits, including sweeping shots of Hawaiian landscape and a theme song, evocative of the Spaghetti Westerns of yesteryear, which will play relentlessly throughout the movie. And hurt my feelings.
A couple is lying on the beach (“Fully clothed. Interesting,” remarks Matt). They debate whether to stay there or go to a waterfall. She runs; he follows. [Many superfluous shots of them running through tall grass.] They arrive at the waterfall. “Come on. Let’s get wet,” says the dude, in a totally non-sexual way. Way to blow an opportunity, guy.
He tells her she’ll look prettier—no shit—if she gets him a beer, and she—no shit—goes to get him one. Serves him right: one of the beasts, who had apparently Flat-Stanleyed himself, rises up out of the shin-deep water to snatch the dude under. Girl turns around, can’t find her beau, and then gets et by the other beast. So far, the two beasts are like ships passing in the night. Ships that eat people.
Two dudes are arguing on the phone. Paul is some sort of investigative reporter or something?, and he’s saying he’s found some sketchy stuff at Drake Labs, like maybe they’re using the growth hormone not on plants as they’re supposed to, but on animals. The other guy, Mark, is telling him… I can’t remember, but there’s a homoerotic what-are-you-wearing moment at the end of their conversation.
A young blond in a uniform (we learn later she’s a conservation officer, ohhhh) docks a speedboat and goes up the pier to speak to her father, the police chief, with whom she shares an inappropriate amount of personal space. He reports that something strange is afoot; they found clothes and backpacks at the waterfall. Blondie should check it out but not without backup. She punches her dad flirtatiously. Ew, Electra.
Meanwhile, Drake sends in mercenaries to kill the beasts a la Predator. But you know what? They’re just in it for the money, so you know what else? They all get et. Ha. That’ll teach them to be so greedy.
Victoria, a British Natalie Imbruglia impersonator, beats up a bouncer to talk to Drake. Not sure why she has to beat up the bouncer, since she works for Drake and so does the bouncer, but I think it’s to show how tough she is. Drake recounts an anecdote about this pizza place on the Lower West Side of Manhattan, where he grew up; on their boxes was written, “You’ve tried the rest. Now try the best.” And he instructs her to call The Cajun. (This scene was done eleventy billion times better in Pulp Fiction.)
Cut to The Cajun, a hot guy with a rifle (but no discernible accent, Matt points out), who cuts himself with a Bowie knife and drips his blood in the water. His phone rings, and he simultaneously talks to Victoria and shoots an alligator in the face.
Paul, you remember Paul, who turns out works for the federal government, duh, is fishing. His lover(?), Mark, calls him and says he’s had intel that proves Paul was right! Fishy shit going on at Drake! Keep digging! Build a case!
Cassidy, the blond ranger who’s maybe probably having sex with her dad, reappears in her speedboat, which breaks down at the dock where Paul is fishing. She peruses his computer files while he checks her propellers and knows he’s not an engineer as he claims. He offers her a ride in his Jeep. (Now I’m concerned because the cover said these beasts can outrun SUVs!!!)
They have this conversation:
Paul: Why did you become a conservation officer?
Cassidy: I love animals. I hate seeing them hurt or exploited.
Paul: What if I killed a wild boar?
Cassidy: I’d throw you up against the car and handcuff you.
Paul: Is that a promise or a threat?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute, Paul! Are you flirting with her? I thought you were having sex with Mark! I have no time to be confused, as they hear a roar and speed off in the slower-than-mutant-reptile-mobile.
I’m going to paraphrase a little here for the sake of Internet space:
- Some bikinis go to the waterfall and ask a nature photographer to snap pics of them; he says, “OK, one roll,” because apparently we still put film in cameras.
- Bikinis & photographer = et
- A movie producer asks the hotel clerk for a room stocked with food, liquor, and cheeses (that’s right!: food and cheeses) for three, if you know what I mean. (I think the producer’s telling the clerk that he’s invited for a three-way, but later it turns out to be the producer and two chicks, in a hot tub.)
- Producer/chicks = et
In the hospital, Dr. MILF explains how Drake misused federal funds for this project. Paul videotapes it. Once everyone’s gone, Victoria jabs Dr. MILF in the neck with a syringe full of cyanide (MILF: “What are you doing?” Victoria: “Something bad”). Paul catches her, but she defibrillates him and gets away.
The Cajun has the brilliant idea to get the Dinocroc and the Supergator together and let them duke it out. They’ll use helicopters and explosives to bring them together. The Cajun and Paul get in separate helicopters* and use heat-seeking electronics to locate the (cold-blooded, notes Matt) reptiles but then go back home because they didn’t bring the explosives with them? Seems like they could’ve made one trip. But I’m not Cajun so I don’t know.
*Cassidy kisses Paul square on the mouth with tongue at this point, in front of her dad/lover, but just minutes before Mark had told Paul to “watch [his] 6”, which I understood as phone sex. I DON’T KNOW, PEOPLE.
- A tour guide is taking a group of tourists around an abandoned hotel, which had been devastated by a storm years prior.
- Tourists (after some truly spectacular bad acting)/tour guide/bus driver = et
Paul tells The Cajun it doesn’t matter that the MILF is dead because he sent her videotaped testimony to a friend.
The Cajun: What kind of friend?
Paul: The serious kind.
EVERYONE NEEDS TO STOP BEING SUCH A SLUT.
Paul’s serious friend has made his way to Hawaii at this point and shoots Victoria. Drake’s stripper doctor comes down the stairs. “Who are you?” asks the serious friend. “I’m Drake’s nurse,” she replies. (Me: “Earlier he called her ‘doctor’!” Matt: “She must have a PhD in nursing.”) Drake has a heart attack and dies. Of autoerotic asphyxiation. In Thailand.
Back at the abandoned hotel, Police-Dad and Cassidy have a Moment:
P-D: You ready?
Cassidy: I’m your daughter, aren’t I?
P-D: And I’m lucky to have you. I should tell you that more. And have more sex with you.
[I added the last sentence.]
(Me: “They just had a Moment. He’s gonna die.” Matt, indignantly: “SPOILER ALERT!”)
- Police-Dad = et
Cassidy cries for exactly 34 seconds and then gets pissed. “It killed my dad. I’m gonna kill it.” She leads it through a tunnel into a field, where Paul and The Cajun are crouching behind a tractor, sharing a homoerotic touch.
This whole movie is nothing but sex.
The beasts collide! It’s finally the vs. part of the movie!
While one is killing the other, Paul comes up with a convoluted plan to finish off the victor, involving an explosive and a tub of rainwater. And guess what. It totally works.
The Cajun, Paul, and Cassidy walk off into the sunset, probably to have sex with each other. And Mark too. They shouldn’t leave Mark out.
Overall, super-fun and recommended. I just wish, since everybody was apparently having so much sex, they would’ve showed some of it on screen instead of making me picture it all in my mind. It was hot in my mind, though.
Hi, i read your blog from time to time and i own a similar one and i was just curious if you get a lot of spam feedback?
If so how do you stop it, any plugin or anything you can recommend?
I get so much lately it’s driving me crazy so any assistance is very much
appreciated.
Great beat ! I wish to apprentice while you amend your website,
how can i subscribe for a blog web site? The account helped me a acceptable deal.
I had been tiny bit acquainted of this your broadcast offered bright clear idea
Appreciate the recommendation. Will try it
out.
It’s really a cool and helpful piece of information. I am satisfied that you simply shared
this useful info with us. Please stay us informed like this.
Thanks for sharing.
Fastidious replies in return of this issue with solid arguments and explaining everything
regarding that.
Greetings! Very helpful advice within this post! It is the little changes that make the greatest
changes. Thanks a lot for sharing!
Keep on working, great job!
It is in reality a nice and useful piece of information. I am glad that you just
shared this helpful information with us. Please stay us informed like this.
Thanks for sharing.
Hi there it’s me, I am also visiting this site on a regular basis,
this web page is truly good and the users are really sharing pleasant thoughts.
I’m extremely impressed along with your writing abilities and also with the structure to your blog.
Is this a paid subject or did you customize it your self?
Anyway keep up the nice quality writing, it’s uncommon to
peer a great weblog like this one today..
I am actually happy to glance at this weblog posts which carries lots of
useful data, thanks for providing these information.
Hi there, I discovered your blog by way of Google at
the same time as looking for a similar topic, your website got here up, it seems to be good.
I’ve bookmarked it in my google bookmarks.
Hi there, simply was alert to your blog via Google, and
located that it is really informative. I’m gonna watch out for brussels.
I’ll appreciate in the event you continue this in future.
A lot of folks can be benefited out of your writing. Cheers!
I don’t even know how I stopped up here, but I thought this put up was once good.
I don’t know who you’re but definitely you’re going to a famous blogger should you
aren’t already. Cheers!
Heya! I’m at work browsing your blog from my new iphone 4!
Just wanted to say I love reading through your blog and look forward to
all your posts! Carry on the outstanding work!
Wow, this piece of writing is good, my younger sister
is analyzing these kinds of things, therefore I am going to inform her.
The nurturing environment at OMT encourages inquisitiveness ?n mathematics,
transforming Singapore students ?ight into enthusiastic learners encouraged t?
achieve leading examination outcomes.
Register t?day ?n OMT’? standalone ?-learning programs and enjoy y?ur
grades skyrocket t?rough limitless access to hi?h-quality, syllabus-aligned ?ontent.
With trainees in Singapore beginning official mathematics education f?om the f?rst day ?nd dealing with
?igh-stakes evaluations, math tuition ?ses th?
additional edge required to achieve t?? performance ?n t?i? vital topic.
Ultimately, primary school math tuition ?s essential
f?r PSLE quality, ?s it gears up students w?th th? tools to attain top bands and protect favored secondary school positionings.
Tuition aids secondary syudents develop exam techniques, ?uch ?s tim? allotment f?r t?e
two O Level mathematics documents, causing m?ch bett?r o?erall efficiency.
Planning f?r the changability of ? Level questions, tuition ?reates flexible
analytical techniques f?r real-time examination circumstances.
OMT’? exclusive math program enhances MOE criteria ?y stressing conceptual
mastery ??er rote learning, causing deeper lasting retention.
Specialist pointers ?n videos provide shortcuts lah, helping ?ou resolve questions m?ch faster and score m??e in tests.
Singapore’? emphasis ?n analytical in mathematics tests m?kes tuition imp?rtant for establishing vital thinking abilities ?ast school hours.
He?e ?s my webpage; math tutors
hi!,I really like your writing so a lot! proportion we keep
up a correspondence more approximately your post on AOL?
I require a specialist in this space to resolve my problem.
Maybe that’s you! Having a look forward to look you.
What i don’t understood is actually how you’re now
not really a lot more smartly-preferred than you may be now.
You’re so intelligent. You recognize thus significantly when it
comes to this subject, produced me personally believe it from numerous
various angles. Its like men and women aren’t involved unless it’s something to
do with Lady gaga! Your individual stuffs great.
Always handle it up!
Hello my loved one! I wish to say that this article is amazing, nice written and come with almost all vital infos. I?d like to peer more posts like this .
I loved as much as you’ll receive carried out right here.
The sketch is tasteful, your authored material stylish.
nonetheless, you command get got an edginess over that you wish be delivering the following.
unwell unquestionably come further formerly again since exactly
the same nearly very often inside case you shield this increase.
You have made some good points there. I looked
on the net to learn more about the issue and found most individuals will go along with
your views on this site.
Remarkable things here. I am very glad to see your article.
Thank you a lot and I’m having a look ahead to contact
you. Will you please drop me a mail?
???? ?? ??? ?? ??? ?? ?????.
??? ??? ??, ???? ??, ???·?? ?? ??? ??? ?? ??? ????, ?? ?? ???? ??? ??? ?????.
Awesome! Its genuinely amazing article, I have got much clear idea about from this post.
Woah! I’m really digging the template/theme of this website.
It’s simple, yet effective. A lot of times it’s difficult to get that “perfect balance” between user friendliness and visual appeal.
I must say you have done a amazing job with this.
In addition, the blog loads very fast for me on Safari.
Excellent Blog!
???? ??? 50mg·100mg ?? ??, ?? ?? ? ????, ??
? ??? ??? ???? ?????.
?? ?? ??? ?? ?? ???? ??? ??????.
Hi there, I would like to subscribe for this weblog to take newest updates, thus where can i do it please help.
demo igre casino vulkanvegas extra free spins
casino kranjska gora red stag casino Najboljsi bonusi 25 euro no deposit bonus
bet365 casino jackpot admiral kozina casino bevande
Quality articles is the secret to attract the people to go to see the website, that’s what this
web site is providing.
Very energetic article, I liked that a lot.
Will there be a part 2?
brezpla??ni vrtljaji brez depozita book of ra symbols Katera spletna igralnica je najboljsa? slots games no deposit bonus
Thanks very interesting blog!
This design is spectacular! You definitely know how to keep a
reader amused. Between your wit and your videos, I was
almost moved to start my own blog (well, almost…HaHa!) Great job.
I really loved what you had to say, and more than that, how
you presented it. Too cool!
I know this web page gives quality dependent articles or reviews and extra stuff, is
there any other web site which provides such information in quality?
If you want to get much from this post then you have to apply such methods to your won blog.
Hi there to all, how is all, I think every one is getting more from this
web site, and your views are pleasant designed for new visitors.
Hello my loved one! I wish to say that this post is awesome,
great written and come with almost all important infos.
I would like to see more posts like this .
Because the admin of this web site is working, no doubt very rapidly it will be famous, due to its feature contents.
I really like it whenever people come together and share views.
Great website, stick with it!
I believe what you published made a bunch of sense.
But, think about this, suppose you were to create a killer post title?
I ain’t saying your information is not solid., but suppose you added something that grabbed
people’s attention? I mean Dinocroc vs. Supergator is kinda boring.
You could look at Yahoo’s home page and note how they write article titles to get people to click.
You might try adding a video or a picture or two to get readers interested
about everything’ve written. In my opinion, it
would bring your website a little livelier.
I know this if off topic but I’m looking into starting my own blog and was
wondering what all is required to get setup? I’m
assuming having a blog like yours would cost a pretty penny?
I’m not very internet smart so I’m not 100% certain. Any
recommendations or advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks
?????????? ??????????? ???? ??????? http://timetowin.clanweb.eu/index.php?site=profile&id=130798
Very quickly this website will be famous among all blog viewers,
due to it’s good content
I like it when people get together and share ideas.
Great website, continue the good work!
Its like you read my mind! You appear to know a
lot about this, like you wrote the book in it or something.
I think that you could do with a few pics to drive the message home a bit, but instead of that, this is wonderful blog.
A great read. I’ll definitely be back.
Incredible! This blog looks exactly like my old one!
It’s on a completely different topic but it has pretty
much the same layout and design. Wonderful choice of colors!
You have made some decent points there. I looked on the net to
find out more about the issue and found most people will go along with your views on this web site.
Does your blog have a contact page? I’m having a tough time locating it but,
I’d like to shoot you an e-mail. I’ve got some suggestions for your
blog you might be interested in hearing. Either way, great blog and I look forward to seeing it develop over time.
If some one wants expert view regarding running a blog afterward i
advise him/her to go to see this blog, Keep up the nice job.
I want to to thank you for this fantastic read!! I absolutely enjoyed every bit of it.
I’ve got you book marked to check out new things you post…