The illustrious head_of_fema and I got together yesterday afternoon to view another awesomely bad movie, Dinocroc vs. Supergator, which he owns on Blu-Ray, natch. Matt had first suggested Halle Berry’s Catwoman, but when I read that D vs. S included David Carradine “in one of his final performances [before he killed himself jerking off in Thailand]”, I knew it was time for us to see some people getting eaten. Getting et.
By the way, previews included Dinoshark (exactly what you might imagine from the title) and Cyclops (“A general will be betrayed. Alliances will be forged. Revenge will be delivered,” said they. “Passive voice will be used,” replied I.)
…And now I’m thinking Roger Corman should probably produce Dinoshark vs. Cyclops.
OK, onward!
Alarms are blaring at Drake Industries Research Lab in Hawaii. “Everybody out now! It’s escaped!” yells a blond MILF in a lab coat, never mind that if it has escaped—just an idea but—maybe everybody should stay in. At 0:46, the Dinocroc or the Supergator, one, has its first white-coated snack. (Matt and I never figured out which beast was which. All I know is one had a lopey T-Rex gait, and the other ran low to the ground and wide, like Tulip.)
Dr. MILF hides behind a palm tree and gets on the phone. She calls Drake (David Carradine), who is smoking a cigar and having his blood pressure taken by a stripper nurse—oops, sorry, stripper doctor. My bad. He gets the low-down on what’s happening at his research facility from Dr. MILF, who then watches the other beast bust through a wall and flatten a dude. So many white-coated people get et.
Next up are the credits, including sweeping shots of Hawaiian landscape and a theme song, evocative of the Spaghetti Westerns of yesteryear, which will play relentlessly throughout the movie. And hurt my feelings.
A couple is lying on the beach (“Fully clothed. Interesting,” remarks Matt). They debate whether to stay there or go to a waterfall. She runs; he follows. [Many superfluous shots of them running through tall grass.] They arrive at the waterfall. “Come on. Let’s get wet,” says the dude, in a totally non-sexual way. Way to blow an opportunity, guy.
He tells her she’ll look prettier—no shit—if she gets him a beer, and she—no shit—goes to get him one. Serves him right: one of the beasts, who had apparently Flat-Stanleyed himself, rises up out of the shin-deep water to snatch the dude under. Girl turns around, can’t find her beau, and then gets et by the other beast. So far, the two beasts are like ships passing in the night. Ships that eat people.
Two dudes are arguing on the phone. Paul is some sort of investigative reporter or something?, and he’s saying he’s found some sketchy stuff at Drake Labs, like maybe they’re using the growth hormone not on plants as they’re supposed to, but on animals. The other guy, Mark, is telling him… I can’t remember, but there’s a homoerotic what-are-you-wearing moment at the end of their conversation.
A young blond in a uniform (we learn later she’s a conservation officer, ohhhh) docks a speedboat and goes up the pier to speak to her father, the police chief, with whom she shares an inappropriate amount of personal space. He reports that something strange is afoot; they found clothes and backpacks at the waterfall. Blondie should check it out but not without backup. She punches her dad flirtatiously. Ew, Electra.
Meanwhile, Drake sends in mercenaries to kill the beasts a la Predator. But you know what? They’re just in it for the money, so you know what else? They all get et. Ha. That’ll teach them to be so greedy.
Victoria, a British Natalie Imbruglia impersonator, beats up a bouncer to talk to Drake. Not sure why she has to beat up the bouncer, since she works for Drake and so does the bouncer, but I think it’s to show how tough she is. Drake recounts an anecdote about this pizza place on the Lower West Side of Manhattan, where he grew up; on their boxes was written, “You’ve tried the rest. Now try the best.” And he instructs her to call The Cajun. (This scene was done eleventy billion times better in Pulp Fiction.)
Cut to The Cajun, a hot guy with a rifle (but no discernible accent, Matt points out), who cuts himself with a Bowie knife and drips his blood in the water. His phone rings, and he simultaneously talks to Victoria and shoots an alligator in the face.
Paul, you remember Paul, who turns out works for the federal government, duh, is fishing. His lover(?), Mark, calls him and says he’s had intel that proves Paul was right! Fishy shit going on at Drake! Keep digging! Build a case!
Cassidy, the blond ranger who’s maybe probably having sex with her dad, reappears in her speedboat, which breaks down at the dock where Paul is fishing. She peruses his computer files while he checks her propellers and knows he’s not an engineer as he claims. He offers her a ride in his Jeep. (Now I’m concerned because the cover said these beasts can outrun SUVs!!!)
They have this conversation:
Paul: Why did you become a conservation officer?
Cassidy: I love animals. I hate seeing them hurt or exploited.
Paul: What if I killed a wild boar?
Cassidy: I’d throw you up against the car and handcuff you.
Paul: Is that a promise or a threat?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute, Paul! Are you flirting with her? I thought you were having sex with Mark! I have no time to be confused, as they hear a roar and speed off in the slower-than-mutant-reptile-mobile.
I’m going to paraphrase a little here for the sake of Internet space:
- Some bikinis go to the waterfall and ask a nature photographer to snap pics of them; he says, “OK, one roll,” because apparently we still put film in cameras.
- Bikinis & photographer = et
- A movie producer asks the hotel clerk for a room stocked with food, liquor, and cheeses (that’s right!: food and cheeses) for three, if you know what I mean. (I think the producer’s telling the clerk that he’s invited for a three-way, but later it turns out to be the producer and two chicks, in a hot tub.)
- Producer/chicks = et
In the hospital, Dr. MILF explains how Drake misused federal funds for this project. Paul videotapes it. Once everyone’s gone, Victoria jabs Dr. MILF in the neck with a syringe full of cyanide (MILF: “What are you doing?” Victoria: “Something bad”). Paul catches her, but she defibrillates him and gets away.
The Cajun has the brilliant idea to get the Dinocroc and the Supergator together and let them duke it out. They’ll use helicopters and explosives to bring them together. The Cajun and Paul get in separate helicopters* and use heat-seeking electronics to locate the (cold-blooded, notes Matt) reptiles but then go back home because they didn’t bring the explosives with them? Seems like they could’ve made one trip. But I’m not Cajun so I don’t know.
*Cassidy kisses Paul square on the mouth with tongue at this point, in front of her dad/lover, but just minutes before Mark had told Paul to “watch [his] 6”, which I understood as phone sex. I DON’T KNOW, PEOPLE.
- A tour guide is taking a group of tourists around an abandoned hotel, which had been devastated by a storm years prior.
- Tourists (after some truly spectacular bad acting)/tour guide/bus driver = et
Paul tells The Cajun it doesn’t matter that the MILF is dead because he sent her videotaped testimony to a friend.
The Cajun: What kind of friend?
Paul: The serious kind.
EVERYONE NEEDS TO STOP BEING SUCH A SLUT.
Paul’s serious friend has made his way to Hawaii at this point and shoots Victoria. Drake’s stripper doctor comes down the stairs. “Who are you?” asks the serious friend. “I’m Drake’s nurse,” she replies. (Me: “Earlier he called her ‘doctor’!” Matt: “She must have a PhD in nursing.”) Drake has a heart attack and dies. Of autoerotic asphyxiation. In Thailand.
Back at the abandoned hotel, Police-Dad and Cassidy have a Moment:
P-D: You ready?
Cassidy: I’m your daughter, aren’t I?
P-D: And I’m lucky to have you. I should tell you that more. And have more sex with you.
[I added the last sentence.]
(Me: “They just had a Moment. He’s gonna die.” Matt, indignantly: “SPOILER ALERT!”)
- Police-Dad = et
Cassidy cries for exactly 34 seconds and then gets pissed. “It killed my dad. I’m gonna kill it.” She leads it through a tunnel into a field, where Paul and The Cajun are crouching behind a tractor, sharing a homoerotic touch.
This whole movie is nothing but sex.
The beasts collide! It’s finally the vs. part of the movie!
While one is killing the other, Paul comes up with a convoluted plan to finish off the victor, involving an explosive and a tub of rainwater. And guess what. It totally works.
The Cajun, Paul, and Cassidy walk off into the sunset, probably to have sex with each other. And Mark too. They shouldn’t leave Mark out.
Overall, super-fun and recommended. I just wish, since everybody was apparently having so much sex, they would’ve showed some of it on screen instead of making me picture it all in my mind. It was hot in my mind, though.
Its such as you learn my thoughts! You appear to grasp so much about
this, like you wrote the book in it or something. I feel that you can do with some p.c.
to pressure the message house a little bit, however other
than that, that is fantastic blog. A fantastic read.
I’ll certainly be back.
If yyou aare goinng foor finest contents lke
myself, juset visiut this site evertyday aas itt offers featfure
contents, thasnks xnxx
Hmm is anyone else encountering problems with the pictures on this blog
loading? I’m trying to determine if its a problem on my end or if it’s the blog.
Any feed-back would be greatly appreciated.
Useful information. Fortunate me I discovered your web site accidentally,
and I’m surprised why this accident didn’t took place in advance!
I bookmarked it.
H?, Neat post. There’s a problem together w?th your ?ebsite 2018 tripadvisor’s travelers choice awards best beach in the world web explorer, would test this?
IE still is the market ?hief and a huge portion of folks will
mi?s your magnificent writing due to this problem.
I got this web site from my pal who informed me on the
topic of this website and at the moment this time I am browsing this website and reading very informative posts here.
I want to to thank you for this wonderful read!! I definitely loved every little bit of it.
I have got you book-marked to check out new stuff you
post…
Wonderful article! We are linking to this great article on our website.
Keep up the good writing.
???? ?? ??? ???? ???? ??? ?????.
?? ??? ?? ??? ?? ??, ??
???, ???? ??, ?? ???? ?? ??? ??? ?????.
Great article, just what I needed.
For latest information you have to go to see world-wide-web and on the web I found
this site as a most excellent website for most up-to-date updates.
I ?ike this site very much, Its a very nice situation top 10 best places to travel in the world read and ?et information.
First off I would like to say fantastic blog! I had a
quick question that I’d like to ask if you don’t mind.
I was interested to know how you center yourself and clear your mind before
writing. I have had a difficult time clearing my mind in getting my
ideas out there. I truly do take pleasure in writing
but it just seems like the first 10 to 15 minutes tend to be lost simply just trying to
figure out how to begin. Any ideas or tips? Kudos!
Its not my first t?me to visit this website, i am browsing this web
site dailly and get goo? daata from here e?ery day.
my web page; fun things in dallas texas
Hello, Neat post. There is a problem with your
web site in internet explorer, may check this? IE still is the market leader and a large portion of people will pass over
your magnificent writing due to this problem.
We’re a group of volunteers and starting a new scheme in our community.
Your web site provided us with valuable info to
work on. You have done an impressive activity and our whole group will
be grateful to you.
?????? ?? ???? ?? ??·?? ???? ???, ?? ???? ?? ??, ?? ?? ??,
?? ??? ???? ?? ?? ??? ?????.
It’s very straightforward to find out any matter on web as
compared to textbooks, as I found this paragraph at this
website.
???????? ?? ???? ??? ???? ??? ?? ??, ??,
?? ? ??? ??? ???
?? ???? ???? ???? ?? ???(??) ???? ? ?????.
Hello, all is going fine here and ofcourse every one is sharing information, that’s really good, keep up writing.
???? ???? ???? ???? ?? ???? ?? ???? ??? ? ? ?? ??? ????? ?? ?? ?? ???? ????? ???? ???? ??? ??? ??? ????? ??? ???? ?????.
???? ??? ?? ??? ???? ??? ? ? ?? ?? ??? ??? ??? ??? ?? ?? ????? ?? ??? ???.
Lynk id is the official lynk id account of Katsu5 We are an online slot game provider site
??? ?? ?? ??? ?? ???? ???? ??? ???? ????? ????? ?? ?? ???? ???? ???????? ?? ??? ?? ??? ?? ??????.
????? ?? ??? ?? ???? ???? ?? ???? ?? ???? ?? ?? ??? ???? ??? ???? ??? ??? ???? ??? ??? ?? ???? ???? ????? ? ???? ??? ???.
With havin so much content do you ever run into any problems of plagorism or copyright infringement?
My blog has a lot of completely unique content I’ve either authored
myself or outsourced but it appears a lot of it is popping it up all
over the internet without my authorization. Do you know any methods to
help stop content from being ripped off? I’d genuinely appreciate it.
This is really attention-grabbing, You’re an excessively professional blogger.
I have joined your feed and sit up for in quest of more of
your magnificent post. Also, I’ve shared your website in my social
networks
???????? ???? ?? ?? ??? ?? ???? ?? ???? ??? ? ?? ????? ?? ??? ???? ? ?? ???? 100%? ????.
I am really grateful to the holder of this website who
has shared this great paragraph at here.
Fantastic blog! Do you have any suggestions for aspiring writers?
I’m hoping to start my own website soon but I’m a little lost on everything.
Would you suggest starting with a free platform like WordPress or go for
a paid option? There are so many options out there that I’m totally confused ..
Any ideas? Bless you!
Hey there! This post couldn’t be written any better! Reading through this post reminds
me of my good old room mate! He always kept talking about this.
I will forward this page to him. Pretty sure he will have a good read.
Many thanks for sharing!
OMT’? emphasis ?n error evaluation t?rns mistakes into learning adventures, helping pupils
f?ll for math’? forgiving natture ?nd purpose ?igh in examinations.
?et ready for success in upcoming tests ?ith OMT Math Tuition’? proprietary curriculum,
developed t? promote vital thinking and confidence ?n ev?ry student.
W?t? mathematics integrated effortlessly ?nto Singapore’s classroom settings t? benefit both instructors and students, devoted math tuition magnifies t?ese gains by offering customized assistance f?r
sustained accomplishment.
Improving primary education ?ith math tuition prepares students f?r PSLE by cultivating ? growth ?tate
?f mind towa?ds tough subjects ?ike balance
?nd transformations.
Recognizing ?nd correcting c?rtain weaknesses, ?ike
in possibility ?r coordinate geometry, makes secondary tuition vital f?r ?
Level excellence.
Dealing ?ith specific discovering styles, math tuition guarantees junior college pupils grasp subjects ?t t?eir v?ry o?n speed for A Level
success.
OMTattracts attention ?ith its proprietary mathematics curriculum, diligently m??e to complement the Singapore MOE syllabus ?y completing theoretical gaps t?at standard school lessons
co?ld overlook.
OMT’? ?n-?ine math tuition let? y?u c?ange at your very own speed lah,
?? s?y goo?bye to hurrying ?nd you? math grades ?ill cert?inly shoot up progressively.
Singapore’s focus ?n holistic education ?nd learning ?? matched by math tuition t?at builds logical
thinking f?r long-lasting test benefits.
Check ?ut my blog :: tuition center singapore
Hell? to all, the contents existing at this website
a?e trduly awesome f?r people experience, ?ell, keeep
?p the ?ood wo?k fellows.
Look into my webpage … maths tuition singapore
My pouse and ? ?nded u? being so satisfied
Raymond managed t? finish up hhis investigation ?y w?y
?f t?e precious recommendations he o?tained while using t?e blog.
It ?s no? and again perplexing just to bbe freely giving seecrets t??t many other folks m?ght havbe besen making monney f?om.
Theerefore ?e ?o ?no? we now hav? the blog owner t?? thank for th?s.
?ll ?f the explanations you’?e made, t?e straightforward
siote menu, t?e relationships you giv? support to promote –
it’s ev?rything powerful, and iit i? facilitating ?ur son and us
understand t?e content iis excellent, ?nd that’? especi?lly mandatory.
Thanks for the ?hole thing!
my site :: maths tuition fees 70
Very nice article, just what I was looking for.
Collective ?n-line obstacles ?t OMT construct synergy in mathematics, fostering love ?nd cumulative motivation f?r
tests.
Join ?ur sm?ll-?roup on-site classes in Singapore f?r
tailored guidance ?n a nurturing environment that
builds strong foundational mathematics skills.
?n a system ?here math education ha? act?ally developed
to promote innovation ?nd global competitiveness,
registering ?n math tuition guarantees trainees stay ahead by deepening t?eir understanding ?nd application ?f essential
concepts.
primary tuition ?s very im?ortant for PSLE ?s
it ?ffers remedial support for subjehts ?ike entire num?ers and
measurements, m?king ?ure no foundational weak ?oints continue.
?y using comprehensive practice ?ith p?evious O Level papers, tuition gears ?? trainees with experience and t?e ability t? expect concern patterns.
Tuition teaches mistake analysis strategies,
assisting junior university student stay cleazr ?f usual pitfalls ?n ALevel
estimations ?nd evidence.
OMT’s one-of-a-k?nd method includes a curriculum th?t matches t?e MOE framework
with collaborative aspects, encouraging peer conversations ?n mathematics ideas.
?ll nnatural strategy in on-line tuition one, nurturing not simply skills ?et int?rest f?r math and ultimate quality
success.
Tuition educators ?n Singapore ?ften have insider
knowledge ?f test patterns,directing pupils t? concentrate ?n high-yield subjects.
Check ?ut my web pag? … gcse maths tutor worksheets
You can certainly see your enthusiasm in the work you write.
The world hopes for even more passionate writers such as you who are not afraid to
mention how they believe. All the time go after
your heart.
sol casino bonus hracie automaty bez vkladu Najlepsie slovenske kasino sleduj to hracie automaty zdarma casino hry za peniaze
Hi there colleagues, its wonderful post on the topic of tutoringand fully defined, keep it up
all the time.
Helpful information. Fortunate me I discovered your site by accident, and I’m stunned why this twist of
fate didn’t came about earlier! I bookmarked it.
I know this site presents quality based articles or reviews and extra material, is there any other web site which offers these data in quality?
??? ?? ??? ?? ??? ?? ?? ??????.
???? ??? ?? ??, ?? ?? ??, ??? ?? ??? ???? ??
??? ?? ?? ??? ?? ?????.
??? ??? ??? ?? ?? ?? ??.
??? ?? ??, ??·?? ??? ??, ??? ?? ?,
?? ?? ?? ?? ??? ??
?? ??? ???? ?????.
OMT’s concentrate on fundamental abilities develops unshakeable confidence, permitting Singapore students t? love
mathematics’s beauty and real?y feel influenced for exams.
Broaden your horizons ?ith OMT’s upcoming new physical space ?pening in ?eptember 2025, offering m?ch m??e chances
f?r hands-?n mathematics expedition.
?onsidered t??t mathematics plays ? critical role in Singapore’s economic advancement ?nd progress, purchasing specializsd math tuition gears ?p trainees wit? the analytical skills ne?ded t? grow in ? competitive landscape.
?or PSLE achievers, tuition provid?s mock examinations and feedback, assisting improve responses f?r m?ximum marks in ?oth multiple-choice ?nd o?en-?nded ar?as.
Secondary math tuition conquers th? limitations ?f hu?e
clwss sizes, offering focused focus t?at enhances understanding f?r O Level prep ?ork.
?or those seeking ?3 Mathematics, junior college
tuition offers advanced support ?n research-level subjects t? stand out in this difficult expansion.
Uniquely customized t? match th? MOE syllabus, OMT’? customized math program integrates technology-driven tools f?r interactive understanding experiences.
OMT’? system tracks ??ur improvement ?ith time s??,
encouraging y?u to intend great?r in mathematics qualities.
In a hectic Singapore classroom, math tuition ?ffers the slower, comprehensive explanations ne?ded to develop confidence fo? examinations.
Feel free t? visit my hom?page – best online math tutor
Hello, i think that i saw you visited my web site thus i came to “return the favor”.I’m attempting
to find things to improve my site!I suppose its ok to
use a few of your ideas!!
I am curious to find out what blog system you happen to be working with?
I’m experiencing some minor security issues with my latest website and
I’d like to find something more secure. Do you have any solutions?
Having read this I thought it was really enlightening.
I appreciate you finding the time and effort to put this informative article together.
I once again find myself spending a lot of time both reading and posting comments.
But so what, it was still worth it!
Great post. I am going through some of these issues
as well..
What’s up colleagues, pleasant post and nice urging
commented at this place, I am really enjoying by these.
There’s certainly a lot to find out about this subject.
I like all of the points you’ve made.