The illustrious head_of_fema and I got together yesterday afternoon to view another awesomely bad movie, Dinocroc vs. Supergator, which he owns on Blu-Ray, natch. Matt had first suggested Halle Berry’s Catwoman, but when I read that D vs. S included David Carradine “in one of his final performances [before he killed himself jerking off in Thailand]”, I knew it was time for us to see some people getting eaten. Getting et.
By the way, previews included Dinoshark (exactly what you might imagine from the title) and Cyclops (“A general will be betrayed. Alliances will be forged. Revenge will be delivered,” said they. “Passive voice will be used,” replied I.)
…And now I’m thinking Roger Corman should probably produce Dinoshark vs. Cyclops.
OK, onward!
Alarms are blaring at Drake Industries Research Lab in Hawaii. “Everybody out now! It’s escaped!” yells a blond MILF in a lab coat, never mind that if it has escaped—just an idea but—maybe everybody should stay in. At 0:46, the Dinocroc or the Supergator, one, has its first white-coated snack. (Matt and I never figured out which beast was which. All I know is one had a lopey T-Rex gait, and the other ran low to the ground and wide, like Tulip.)
Dr. MILF hides behind a palm tree and gets on the phone. She calls Drake (David Carradine), who is smoking a cigar and having his blood pressure taken by a stripper nurse—oops, sorry, stripper doctor. My bad. He gets the low-down on what’s happening at his research facility from Dr. MILF, who then watches the other beast bust through a wall and flatten a dude. So many white-coated people get et.
Next up are the credits, including sweeping shots of Hawaiian landscape and a theme song, evocative of the Spaghetti Westerns of yesteryear, which will play relentlessly throughout the movie. And hurt my feelings.
A couple is lying on the beach (“Fully clothed. Interesting,” remarks Matt). They debate whether to stay there or go to a waterfall. She runs; he follows. [Many superfluous shots of them running through tall grass.] They arrive at the waterfall. “Come on. Let’s get wet,” says the dude, in a totally non-sexual way. Way to blow an opportunity, guy.
He tells her she’ll look prettier—no shit—if she gets him a beer, and she—no shit—goes to get him one. Serves him right: one of the beasts, who had apparently Flat-Stanleyed himself, rises up out of the shin-deep water to snatch the dude under. Girl turns around, can’t find her beau, and then gets et by the other beast. So far, the two beasts are like ships passing in the night. Ships that eat people.
Two dudes are arguing on the phone. Paul is some sort of investigative reporter or something?, and he’s saying he’s found some sketchy stuff at Drake Labs, like maybe they’re using the growth hormone not on plants as they’re supposed to, but on animals. The other guy, Mark, is telling him… I can’t remember, but there’s a homoerotic what-are-you-wearing moment at the end of their conversation.
A young blond in a uniform (we learn later she’s a conservation officer, ohhhh) docks a speedboat and goes up the pier to speak to her father, the police chief, with whom she shares an inappropriate amount of personal space. He reports that something strange is afoot; they found clothes and backpacks at the waterfall. Blondie should check it out but not without backup. She punches her dad flirtatiously. Ew, Electra.
Meanwhile, Drake sends in mercenaries to kill the beasts a la Predator. But you know what? They’re just in it for the money, so you know what else? They all get et. Ha. That’ll teach them to be so greedy.
Victoria, a British Natalie Imbruglia impersonator, beats up a bouncer to talk to Drake. Not sure why she has to beat up the bouncer, since she works for Drake and so does the bouncer, but I think it’s to show how tough she is. Drake recounts an anecdote about this pizza place on the Lower West Side of Manhattan, where he grew up; on their boxes was written, “You’ve tried the rest. Now try the best.” And he instructs her to call The Cajun. (This scene was done eleventy billion times better in Pulp Fiction.)
Cut to The Cajun, a hot guy with a rifle (but no discernible accent, Matt points out), who cuts himself with a Bowie knife and drips his blood in the water. His phone rings, and he simultaneously talks to Victoria and shoots an alligator in the face.
Paul, you remember Paul, who turns out works for the federal government, duh, is fishing. His lover(?), Mark, calls him and says he’s had intel that proves Paul was right! Fishy shit going on at Drake! Keep digging! Build a case!
Cassidy, the blond ranger who’s maybe probably having sex with her dad, reappears in her speedboat, which breaks down at the dock where Paul is fishing. She peruses his computer files while he checks her propellers and knows he’s not an engineer as he claims. He offers her a ride in his Jeep. (Now I’m concerned because the cover said these beasts can outrun SUVs!!!)
They have this conversation:
Paul: Why did you become a conservation officer?
Cassidy: I love animals. I hate seeing them hurt or exploited.
Paul: What if I killed a wild boar?
Cassidy: I’d throw you up against the car and handcuff you.
Paul: Is that a promise or a threat?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute, Paul! Are you flirting with her? I thought you were having sex with Mark! I have no time to be confused, as they hear a roar and speed off in the slower-than-mutant-reptile-mobile.
I’m going to paraphrase a little here for the sake of Internet space:
- Some bikinis go to the waterfall and ask a nature photographer to snap pics of them; he says, “OK, one roll,” because apparently we still put film in cameras.
- Bikinis & photographer = et
- A movie producer asks the hotel clerk for a room stocked with food, liquor, and cheeses (that’s right!: food and cheeses) for three, if you know what I mean. (I think the producer’s telling the clerk that he’s invited for a three-way, but later it turns out to be the producer and two chicks, in a hot tub.)
- Producer/chicks = et
In the hospital, Dr. MILF explains how Drake misused federal funds for this project. Paul videotapes it. Once everyone’s gone, Victoria jabs Dr. MILF in the neck with a syringe full of cyanide (MILF: “What are you doing?” Victoria: “Something bad”). Paul catches her, but she defibrillates him and gets away.
The Cajun has the brilliant idea to get the Dinocroc and the Supergator together and let them duke it out. They’ll use helicopters and explosives to bring them together. The Cajun and Paul get in separate helicopters* and use heat-seeking electronics to locate the (cold-blooded, notes Matt) reptiles but then go back home because they didn’t bring the explosives with them? Seems like they could’ve made one trip. But I’m not Cajun so I don’t know.
*Cassidy kisses Paul square on the mouth with tongue at this point, in front of her dad/lover, but just minutes before Mark had told Paul to “watch [his] 6”, which I understood as phone sex. I DON’T KNOW, PEOPLE.
- A tour guide is taking a group of tourists around an abandoned hotel, which had been devastated by a storm years prior.
- Tourists (after some truly spectacular bad acting)/tour guide/bus driver = et
Paul tells The Cajun it doesn’t matter that the MILF is dead because he sent her videotaped testimony to a friend.
The Cajun: What kind of friend?
Paul: The serious kind.
EVERYONE NEEDS TO STOP BEING SUCH A SLUT.
Paul’s serious friend has made his way to Hawaii at this point and shoots Victoria. Drake’s stripper doctor comes down the stairs. “Who are you?” asks the serious friend. “I’m Drake’s nurse,” she replies. (Me: “Earlier he called her ‘doctor’!” Matt: “She must have a PhD in nursing.”) Drake has a heart attack and dies. Of autoerotic asphyxiation. In Thailand.
Back at the abandoned hotel, Police-Dad and Cassidy have a Moment:
P-D: You ready?
Cassidy: I’m your daughter, aren’t I?
P-D: And I’m lucky to have you. I should tell you that more. And have more sex with you.
[I added the last sentence.]
(Me: “They just had a Moment. He’s gonna die.” Matt, indignantly: “SPOILER ALERT!”)
- Police-Dad = et
Cassidy cries for exactly 34 seconds and then gets pissed. “It killed my dad. I’m gonna kill it.” She leads it through a tunnel into a field, where Paul and The Cajun are crouching behind a tractor, sharing a homoerotic touch.
This whole movie is nothing but sex.
The beasts collide! It’s finally the vs. part of the movie!
While one is killing the other, Paul comes up with a convoluted plan to finish off the victor, involving an explosive and a tub of rainwater. And guess what. It totally works.
The Cajun, Paul, and Cassidy walk off into the sunset, probably to have sex with each other. And Mark too. They shouldn’t leave Mark out.
Overall, super-fun and recommended. I just wish, since everybody was apparently having so much sex, they would’ve showed some of it on screen instead of making me picture it all in my mind. It was hot in my mind, though.
It’s an awesome piece of writing in support of all the online visitors;
they will get advantage from it I am sure.
I have read so many articles concerning the blogger lovers but this piece of writing is in fact a pleasant article,
keep it up.
What’s up mates, how is the whole thing, and what you would like to say about this piece of writing,
in my view its truly amazing designed for me.
You ought to take part in a contest for one of the highest
quality websites on the internet. I’m going to highly
recommend this web site!
Do you have a spam problem on this site;
I also am a blogger, and I was curious about your situation; many of us have developed some nice practices and we are
looking to swap strategies with others, be sure to shoot me an e-mail if interested.
Definitely believe that which you said. Your favorite justification appeared to be on the web the simplest
thing to be aware of. I say to you, I definitely get annoyed while people think about worries that they plainly
don’t know about. You managed to hit the nail upon the top as well as defined out the whole thing without having side
effect , people can take a signal. Will likely be back to get more.
Thanks
It’s awesome to pay a visit this web site and reading
the views of all colleagues concerning this post, while I am also
eager of getting familiarity.
Hello, I enjoy reading through your article. I like to write a little
comment to support you.
Hi, just wanted to mention, I enjoyed this article. It was practical.
Keep on posting!
Does your blog have a contact page? I’m having problems locating it
but, I’d like to shoot you an e-mail. I’ve got some creative ideas for your blog you might be interested in hearing.
Either way, great blog and I look forward to seeing it develop over time.
Hey! This is my first visit to your blog! We are a team of volunteers and starting a new project in a community in the
same niche. Your blog provided us beneficial information to work on. You have done a wonderful job!
I am regular visitor, how are you everybody? This post
posted at this site is in fact good.
Hello just wanted to give you a quick heads up.
The text in your post seem to be running off the screen in Safari.
I’m not sure if this is a formatting issue or something to do with browser compatibility but
I thought I’d post to let you know. The design and style look great though!
Hope you get the issue solved soon. Many thanks
What’s up all, here every person is sharing these kinds
of familiarity, thus it’s pleasant to read this web site, and I used to visit this website
everyday.
I’d like to find out more? I’d like to find out some additional information.
????? ??? ??????
Do you mind if I quote a couple of your posts as long as I provide credit and sources back
to your blog? My website is in the exact same niche
as yours and my users would truly benefit from a lot of the information you provide here.
Please let me know if this ok with you. Regards!
?? ?? ?? ?? ?? ?????.
????? ??? ??????
I am truly pleased to glance at this webpage posts which carries tons
of helpful information, thanks for providing these kinds of data.
I like what you guys are usually up too. This kind of clever work and
reporting! Keep up the excellent works guys I’ve you guys to my personal blogroll.
Hi there Dear, are you in fact visiting this website on a regular basis, if
so after that you will without doubt obtain fastidious know-how.
Good response in return of this issue with solid arguments and telling all about
that.
hello!,I love your writing so a lot! percentage we keep
in touch extra about your article on AOL?
I need a specialist in this space to solve my problem. May be that
is you! Taking a look forward to see you.
Outstanding quest there. What happened after? Thanks!
Good day! Do you know if they make any plugins to help with SEO?
I’m trying to get my blog to rank for some targeted keywords
but I’m not seeing very good success. If you
know of any please share. Appreciate it!
I blog frequently and I really appreciate your information. This great article has truly peaked my interest.
I am going to bookmark your site and keep checking for new information about once per week.
I opted in for your RSS feed too.
You actually make it seem so easy with your presentation but I find this matter to
be actually something which I think I would never understand.
It seems too complicated and extremely broad for me.
I am looking forward for your next post, I will try to get the hang of
it!
??? ????? ?? ??????, ????, ??? ????? ???
???? ??? ? ????. ???? ??? ?
??? ?? ??? ??? ????.
You could definitely see your skills within the article you write.
The world hopes for more passionate writers like you who are not afraid to say how they believe.
All the time go after your heart.
If you desire to obtain a great deal from this piece of writing then you have to apply these
strategies to your won web site.
You made some good points there. I looked on the internet for
more info about the issue and found most people will go along with your
views on this site.
Very nice blog post. I absolutely love this website. Keep it up!
Wow, amazing weblog format! How long have you ever been running a blog for?
you make running a blog glance easy. The entire look of your website is great, as
well as the content material!
Amazing! This blog looks just like my old one!
It’s on a completely different topic but it has pretty much
the same layout and design. Wonderful choice of colors!
Aw, this was a really good post. Taking a few minutes and actual
effort to create a really good article… but what can I say… I hesitate a lot and don’t seem to get nearly anything
done.
Hello there! Quick question that’s entirely off topic.
Do you know how to make your site mobile friendly? My blog
looks weird when viewing from my iphone 4. I’m trying to find
a template or plugin that might be able to fix this issue. If you have any recommendations,
please share. With thanks!
Hi just wanted to give you a brief heads up and let you know
a few of the images aren’t loading properly. I’m not sure why
but I think its a linking issue. I’ve tried it in two different web browsers and both show
the same results.
I’m really impressed with your writing skills and also with the layout on your blog.
Is this a paid theme or did you customize it yourself? Anyway keep up the excellent quality writing, it is rare to see a nice
blog like this one these days.
OMT’s multimedia resources, ?ike involving videos, m?ke mathematics
?ome active, assisting Singapore trainees drop passionately in love ?ith it fo? exam success.
Transform math difficulties ?nto accomplishments ?ith OMT Math Tuition’? mix of online and on-site options, ?acked by ? performance history ?f student quality.
With students in Singapore starting formal math education f?om the f?rst ?ay and dealing w?th
high-stakes evaluations, math tuition ?ffers t?e extra edge ne?ded to accomplish leading performance ?n thi? vital subject.
Enrolling ?n primary school school math tuition e?rly fosters self-confidence, decreasing stress ?nd anxiety for PSLE takers ??o deal with high-stakes concerns on speed, range,
and t?me.
Present?ng heuristic techniques ?arly ?n secondary tuition prepares students f?r the non-routine issues that
?ften appear ?n ? Level analyses.
Planning f?r th? unpredictability ?f A Level questions, tuition ?reates adaptive probl?m-solving ?pproaches
f?r real-tim? exam scenarios.
OMT’? proprietary math program enhances MOE
requirements ?y emphasizing theoretical mastery ?ver rote learning, b?ing about deeper
long-term retention.
Themed modules m?ke finding ?ut thematic lor, assisting preserve details ?onger
f?r enhanced mathematics efficiency.
Specialized math tuition f?r ?-Levels helps Singapore secondary trainees differentiate t?emselves in ? crowded candidate swimming pool.
Feel free t? surf t? my site: h2 further maths tuition
Normally I don’t read article on blogs, but I would like to say that this write-up very
pressured me to take a look at and do so! Your writing taste has been amazed me.
Thanks, quite nice article.
Incredible points. Great arguments. Keep up the great effort.
I was pretty pleased to discover this website. I want to to thank you for ones
time due to this fantastic read!! I definitely appreciated every bit of it and
I have you book-marked to look at new information on your web site.
If you want to obtain a great deal from this piece of writing then you have to apply such techniques
to your won webpage.
I blog often and I seriously thank you for your content.
Your article has really peaked my interest. I’m going to book mark your
site and keep checking for new information about once
per week. I opted in for your Feed too.
OMT’s a?l natural method supports not simply abilities ?owever pleasure ?n math, inspiring pupils t? embrace
the subject and radiate in th?i? examinations.
Founded ?n 2013 by M?. Justin Tan, OMT Math Tuition has
actuall? helped numerous trainees ace exams
l?ke PSLE, ?-Levels, and A-Levels with tested ?roblem-solving techniques.
?ith mathematics incorporated perfectly ?nto Singapore’?
class settings to benefit ?oth teachers aand
students, devoted math tuition enhances t?ese gains ?y using customized assistance f?r continual accomplishment.
Enhancing primary education ?ith math tuition prepares students f?r PSLE by cultivating a
growth mindset t?ward difficult topics ?ike symmetry ?nd improvements.
Building confidence t?rough regular tuition support is essential,
?s O Levels can be stressful, and certa?n students execute f?r better under
pressure.
Junior college math tuition fosters essential believing skills ne?ded to fix non-routine troubles t?at commonly ?ppear in A Level mathematics assessments.
OMT’? special math program matches t?e MOE educational program by consisting
of proprietary instance studies t?at apply math to real Singaporean contexts.
OMT’? ?n-l?ne math tuition lets you c?ange at your own speed lah,
?o no even mo?e rushing ?nd yo?r math grades ?ill
certa?nly skyrocket gradually.
B? concentrating on mistake analysis, math
tuition protects ?gainst reoccuring mistakes t?at might ?et yo? back valuable marks in Singapore examinations.
?ere i? my webpage :: maths tuition sec 1
It is actually a nice and useful piece of information. I’m satisfied that you simply shared this helpful info with us.
Please stay us informed like this. Thanks for
sharing.
I do accept as true with all of the ideas you have presented to your post.
They’re really convincing and will certainly work. Still,
the posts are too brief for starters. Could you please extend them a little from subsequent time?
Thanks for the post.
I have to thank you for the efforts you have put in penning this blog.
I am hoping to view the same high-grade content by you later on as well.
In truth, your creative writing abilities has encouraged me to get my own website
now ;)
Here is my blog; ????????????????
Hello! I just wanted to ask if you ever have any trouble
with hackers? My last blog (wordpress) was hacked
and I ended up losing many months of hard work due to no backup.
Do you have any solutions to protect against hackers?