The illustrious head_of_fema and I got together yesterday afternoon to view another awesomely bad movie, Dinocroc vs. Supergator, which he owns on Blu-Ray, natch. Matt had first suggested Halle Berry’s Catwoman, but when I read that D vs. S included David Carradine “in one of his final performances [before he killed himself jerking off in Thailand]”, I knew it was time for us to see some people getting eaten. Getting et.
By the way, previews included Dinoshark (exactly what you might imagine from the title) and Cyclops (“A general will be betrayed. Alliances will be forged. Revenge will be delivered,” said they. “Passive voice will be used,” replied I.)
…And now I’m thinking Roger Corman should probably produce Dinoshark vs. Cyclops.
OK, onward!
Alarms are blaring at Drake Industries Research Lab in Hawaii. “Everybody out now! It’s escaped!” yells a blond MILF in a lab coat, never mind that if it has escaped—just an idea but—maybe everybody should stay in. At 0:46, the Dinocroc or the Supergator, one, has its first white-coated snack. (Matt and I never figured out which beast was which. All I know is one had a lopey T-Rex gait, and the other ran low to the ground and wide, like Tulip.)
Dr. MILF hides behind a palm tree and gets on the phone. She calls Drake (David Carradine), who is smoking a cigar and having his blood pressure taken by a stripper nurse—oops, sorry, stripper doctor. My bad. He gets the low-down on what’s happening at his research facility from Dr. MILF, who then watches the other beast bust through a wall and flatten a dude. So many white-coated people get et.
Next up are the credits, including sweeping shots of Hawaiian landscape and a theme song, evocative of the Spaghetti Westerns of yesteryear, which will play relentlessly throughout the movie. And hurt my feelings.
A couple is lying on the beach (“Fully clothed. Interesting,” remarks Matt). They debate whether to stay there or go to a waterfall. She runs; he follows. [Many superfluous shots of them running through tall grass.] They arrive at the waterfall. “Come on. Let’s get wet,” says the dude, in a totally non-sexual way. Way to blow an opportunity, guy.
He tells her she’ll look prettier—no shit—if she gets him a beer, and she—no shit—goes to get him one. Serves him right: one of the beasts, who had apparently Flat-Stanleyed himself, rises up out of the shin-deep water to snatch the dude under. Girl turns around, can’t find her beau, and then gets et by the other beast. So far, the two beasts are like ships passing in the night. Ships that eat people.
Two dudes are arguing on the phone. Paul is some sort of investigative reporter or something?, and he’s saying he’s found some sketchy stuff at Drake Labs, like maybe they’re using the growth hormone not on plants as they’re supposed to, but on animals. The other guy, Mark, is telling him… I can’t remember, but there’s a homoerotic what-are-you-wearing moment at the end of their conversation.
A young blond in a uniform (we learn later she’s a conservation officer, ohhhh) docks a speedboat and goes up the pier to speak to her father, the police chief, with whom she shares an inappropriate amount of personal space. He reports that something strange is afoot; they found clothes and backpacks at the waterfall. Blondie should check it out but not without backup. She punches her dad flirtatiously. Ew, Electra.
Meanwhile, Drake sends in mercenaries to kill the beasts a la Predator. But you know what? They’re just in it for the money, so you know what else? They all get et. Ha. That’ll teach them to be so greedy.
Victoria, a British Natalie Imbruglia impersonator, beats up a bouncer to talk to Drake. Not sure why she has to beat up the bouncer, since she works for Drake and so does the bouncer, but I think it’s to show how tough she is. Drake recounts an anecdote about this pizza place on the Lower West Side of Manhattan, where he grew up; on their boxes was written, “You’ve tried the rest. Now try the best.” And he instructs her to call The Cajun. (This scene was done eleventy billion times better in Pulp Fiction.)
Cut to The Cajun, a hot guy with a rifle (but no discernible accent, Matt points out), who cuts himself with a Bowie knife and drips his blood in the water. His phone rings, and he simultaneously talks to Victoria and shoots an alligator in the face.
Paul, you remember Paul, who turns out works for the federal government, duh, is fishing. His lover(?), Mark, calls him and says he’s had intel that proves Paul was right! Fishy shit going on at Drake! Keep digging! Build a case!
Cassidy, the blond ranger who’s maybe probably having sex with her dad, reappears in her speedboat, which breaks down at the dock where Paul is fishing. She peruses his computer files while he checks her propellers and knows he’s not an engineer as he claims. He offers her a ride in his Jeep. (Now I’m concerned because the cover said these beasts can outrun SUVs!!!)
They have this conversation:
Paul: Why did you become a conservation officer?
Cassidy: I love animals. I hate seeing them hurt or exploited.
Paul: What if I killed a wild boar?
Cassidy: I’d throw you up against the car and handcuff you.
Paul: Is that a promise or a threat?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute, Paul! Are you flirting with her? I thought you were having sex with Mark! I have no time to be confused, as they hear a roar and speed off in the slower-than-mutant-reptile-mobile.
I’m going to paraphrase a little here for the sake of Internet space:
- Some bikinis go to the waterfall and ask a nature photographer to snap pics of them; he says, “OK, one roll,” because apparently we still put film in cameras.
- Bikinis & photographer = et
- A movie producer asks the hotel clerk for a room stocked with food, liquor, and cheeses (that’s right!: food and cheeses) for three, if you know what I mean. (I think the producer’s telling the clerk that he’s invited for a three-way, but later it turns out to be the producer and two chicks, in a hot tub.)
- Producer/chicks = et
In the hospital, Dr. MILF explains how Drake misused federal funds for this project. Paul videotapes it. Once everyone’s gone, Victoria jabs Dr. MILF in the neck with a syringe full of cyanide (MILF: “What are you doing?” Victoria: “Something bad”). Paul catches her, but she defibrillates him and gets away.
The Cajun has the brilliant idea to get the Dinocroc and the Supergator together and let them duke it out. They’ll use helicopters and explosives to bring them together. The Cajun and Paul get in separate helicopters* and use heat-seeking electronics to locate the (cold-blooded, notes Matt) reptiles but then go back home because they didn’t bring the explosives with them? Seems like they could’ve made one trip. But I’m not Cajun so I don’t know.
*Cassidy kisses Paul square on the mouth with tongue at this point, in front of her dad/lover, but just minutes before Mark had told Paul to “watch [his] 6”, which I understood as phone sex. I DON’T KNOW, PEOPLE.
- A tour guide is taking a group of tourists around an abandoned hotel, which had been devastated by a storm years prior.
- Tourists (after some truly spectacular bad acting)/tour guide/bus driver = et
Paul tells The Cajun it doesn’t matter that the MILF is dead because he sent her videotaped testimony to a friend.
The Cajun: What kind of friend?
Paul: The serious kind.
EVERYONE NEEDS TO STOP BEING SUCH A SLUT.
Paul’s serious friend has made his way to Hawaii at this point and shoots Victoria. Drake’s stripper doctor comes down the stairs. “Who are you?” asks the serious friend. “I’m Drake’s nurse,” she replies. (Me: “Earlier he called her ‘doctor’!” Matt: “She must have a PhD in nursing.”) Drake has a heart attack and dies. Of autoerotic asphyxiation. In Thailand.
Back at the abandoned hotel, Police-Dad and Cassidy have a Moment:
P-D: You ready?
Cassidy: I’m your daughter, aren’t I?
P-D: And I’m lucky to have you. I should tell you that more. And have more sex with you.
[I added the last sentence.]
(Me: “They just had a Moment. He’s gonna die.” Matt, indignantly: “SPOILER ALERT!”)
- Police-Dad = et
Cassidy cries for exactly 34 seconds and then gets pissed. “It killed my dad. I’m gonna kill it.” She leads it through a tunnel into a field, where Paul and The Cajun are crouching behind a tractor, sharing a homoerotic touch.
This whole movie is nothing but sex.
The beasts collide! It’s finally the vs. part of the movie!
While one is killing the other, Paul comes up with a convoluted plan to finish off the victor, involving an explosive and a tub of rainwater. And guess what. It totally works.
The Cajun, Paul, and Cassidy walk off into the sunset, probably to have sex with each other. And Mark too. They shouldn’t leave Mark out.
Overall, super-fun and recommended. I just wish, since everybody was apparently having so much sex, they would’ve showed some of it on screen instead of making me picture it all in my mind. It was hot in my mind, though.
????? sexSmall and humble as the dwelling was it wasfurnished in perfect taste.The furniture was old in the more valuableand more attractive sense of the word.
H?n ajatteli,ett? Mdali on hyv?arvaamaan,????? ????
??????sentado; y que en el dichotiempo tampoco le vió comulgar ni confesarse,e que preguntandole estetestigo con sospecha al dicho cura,
Reiteen sidottuna,kuivasta ruohosta tehdyn hameen k?tk?ss?,????? ????
????? ??de todas era acatada,ninguna salía demi querer; lo que yo dezia era lo buen a cada qual daua cobro.
she replied quietly,????? sexand drew the necklace from her dress.
joka johti kahden p?iv?n kuluttuakosintaan.????? sexSuureksi h?mm?styksekseen Burney sai kirkkaat rukkaset.
A fascinating discussion is worth comment. I believe that you need to write more
on this subject matter, it may not be a taboo subject but generally people don’t talk about these
topics. To the next! Cheers!!
you’re in point of fact a just right webmaster. The site loading pace is incredible.
It kind of feels that you are doing any unique trick. Also,
The contents are masterwork. you’ve done a great
task on this matter!
For most recent information you have to visit world-wide-web and on web I found this site
as a finest web site for most up-to-date updates.
Ich musste einfach einen Kommentar schreiben. Wirklich klasse!
Hi there are using WordPress for your blog platform?
I’m new to the blog world but I’m trying to get started and create my own. Do you require any coding expertise to make your own blog?
Any help would be really appreciated!
What’s up to every , since I am truly keen of reading this website’s post to be
updated regularly. It contains fastidious data.
I couldn’t refrain from commenting. Well written!
Your method of telling the whole thing in this paragraph is
in fact good, every one be capable of without difficulty understand it,
Thanks a lot.
Why people still make use of to read news papers when in this technological globe the whole thing is presented on net?
Hallo, finde den Blog lesenswert. Komme öfter vorbei.
I like the valuable information you provide in your articles.
I’ll bookmark your weblog and check again here frequently.
I’m quite sure I’ll learn many new stuff right here!
Best of luck for the next!
I got this web page from my pal who told me on the topic of
this website and now this time I am browsing this
website and reading very informative content here.
BAU MEMEK
Hi friends, how is all, and what you desire to say concerning this piece of writing, in my view its in fact awesome in support of me.
I’m gone to tell my little brother, that he should also
pay a quick visit this webpage on regular basis to obtain updated
from latest news.
I have been exploring for a little for any high-quality articles or blog posts on this sort of space .
Exploring in Yahoo I ultimately stumbled upon this website.
Studying this info So i am happy to show that I’ve a very good uncanny feeling I discovered just what I needed.
I so much certainly will make certain to do not put out of your mind this site and provides it a glance regularly.
Very nice post. I just stumbled upon your blog and wished to say that
I’ve really enjoyed surfing around your blog posts.
In any case I’ll be subscribing to your rss feed and I
hope you write again very soon!
I do consider all the ideas you have introduced for your post.
They are really convincing and can definitely work. Still, the posts are too short for starters.
May you please extend them a little from subsequent time?
Thank you for the post.
Thank you for the good writeup. It in fact was a amusement
account it. Look advanced to more added agreeable from you!
By the way, how could we communicate?
I got this web site from my buddy who informed me regarding this site and
at the moment this time I am browsing this web page and reading very informative articles here.
Sto leggendo il tuo contenuto e mi ha impressionato. È bello trovare un contenuto di qualità.
???????? Deepl ??????????????????? Deeplcn ???? Deepl ???????????
Deepl ???????????? Deepl ???????????????????????????
Deepl ????????????????
Deepl ?????????????????????????????????????????????? Deepl
?????????????????????????????????????? Deepl ???????????????????????????????????????Deeplcn ??????????????????????????????? Deepl ??????
Wonderful post! We will be linking to this great
article on our site. Keep up the good writing.
Thanks in favor of sharing such a pleasant
thought, article is fastidious, thats why i have read it entirely
?????????????????????????????????? Deepl ??????? Deeplcc
??????? Deepl ???????????????????????????????? Deepl ???????????????????????????????
Deepl ??????????????????????????????????????????????????????? Deepl ????????????????????????????????????
?? Deeplcc ???? Deepl ???????????????????? Deepl ???????????????????????? Deepl ????????????????????
I do trust all of the ideas you have introduced on your post.
They are really convincing and can definitely work.
Still, the posts are very quick for starters. Could
you please extend them a bit from subsequent time? Thanks for the
post.
I h?ve r?ad so many conteent about th? blogger lovers but this article is genu?nely a nice article, keep it up.
Wonderful blog! I found it while searching on Yahoo News.
Do you have any suggestions on how to get listed in Yahoo News?
I’ve been trying for a while but I never seem to get there!
Appreciate it
??????????????????????????? Deepl ?????????
Deeplpc1 ???????????????? Deepl ????? Deepl
??????????? Deepl ???????????????????????? Deepl ????????????????????????
Deepl ????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
Deepl ??????? Deepl ??????????????????????????????
???????? Deepl ??? Deeplpc1 ????? Deepl ??????????????????????????????????????????? Windows
?????????????????????? Deepl ?????????????????
I want to to thank you for this wonderful read!! I definitely loved every little bit of it.
I have got you book marked to check out new things you post…
Great explanation of legal matters in simple language. Legal knowledge is essential in daily life, and posts
like this help people make better and lawful decisions.
Great blog here! Also your site loads up very fast!
What web host are you using? Can I get your affiliate link to your host?
I wish my website loaded up as quickly as yours lol
Helpful information. Fortunate me I found your site accidentally,
and I’m surprised why this accident did not happened earlier!
I bookmarked it.
my website ??????????? ???
I need to to thank you for this excellent read!! I certainly enjoyed every little bit
of it. I have you book marked to look at new things you post…
hey there and thank you for your info – I have certainly picked up anything
new from right here. I did however expertise some technical points using this site, as I experienced to reload the web site lots of times previous to I could get
it to load correctly. I had been wondering if your web hosting is OK?
Not that I’m complaining, but sluggish loading instances times will very frequently affect your placement in google and can damage your quality score if ads and marketing
with Adwords. Anyway I’m adding this RSS to my
e-mail and could look out for a lot more of your respective interesting
content. Make sure you update this again very soon.
Ridiculous story there. What occurred after? Thanks!
whoah this blog is wonderful i like studying
your posts. Stay up the good work! You realize, lots of people are searching around
for this information, you could help them greatly.
This is very interesting, You are an excessively professional blogger.
I have joined your rss feed and sit up for in the hunt for more of
your magnificent post. Also, I have shared
your web site in my social networks
Here is my web blog … ???????? ?????????? ?????? ????????
Spot on with this write-up, I honestly believe this site needs much more attention. I’ll probably be back again to read through
more, thanks for the information!
Pretty! This has been an extremely wonderful post. Many thanks for providing this info.
Hey there, You’ve done an excellent job. I will certainly digg it and personally recommend to my friends.
I am confident they will be benefited from this website.
This piece of writing is actually a fastidious one it helps new internet people, who are wishing for blogging.
Hi there to all, the contents existing at this web page are truly amazing for people knowledge, well,
keep up the nice work fellows.