The illustrious head_of_fema and I got together yesterday afternoon to view another awesomely bad movie, Dinocroc vs. Supergator, which he owns on Blu-Ray, natch. Matt had first suggested Halle Berry’s Catwoman, but when I read that D vs. S included David Carradine “in one of his final performances [before he killed himself jerking off in Thailand]”, I knew it was time for us to see some people getting eaten. Getting et.
By the way, previews included Dinoshark (exactly what you might imagine from the title) and Cyclops (“A general will be betrayed. Alliances will be forged. Revenge will be delivered,” said they. “Passive voice will be used,” replied I.)
…And now I’m thinking Roger Corman should probably produce Dinoshark vs. Cyclops.
OK, onward!
Alarms are blaring at Drake Industries Research Lab in Hawaii. “Everybody out now! It’s escaped!” yells a blond MILF in a lab coat, never mind that if it has escaped—just an idea but—maybe everybody should stay in. At 0:46, the Dinocroc or the Supergator, one, has its first white-coated snack. (Matt and I never figured out which beast was which. All I know is one had a lopey T-Rex gait, and the other ran low to the ground and wide, like Tulip.)
Dr. MILF hides behind a palm tree and gets on the phone. She calls Drake (David Carradine), who is smoking a cigar and having his blood pressure taken by a stripper nurse—oops, sorry, stripper doctor. My bad. He gets the low-down on what’s happening at his research facility from Dr. MILF, who then watches the other beast bust through a wall and flatten a dude. So many white-coated people get et.
Next up are the credits, including sweeping shots of Hawaiian landscape and a theme song, evocative of the Spaghetti Westerns of yesteryear, which will play relentlessly throughout the movie. And hurt my feelings.
A couple is lying on the beach (“Fully clothed. Interesting,” remarks Matt). They debate whether to stay there or go to a waterfall. She runs; he follows. [Many superfluous shots of them running through tall grass.] They arrive at the waterfall. “Come on. Let’s get wet,” says the dude, in a totally non-sexual way. Way to blow an opportunity, guy.
He tells her she’ll look prettier—no shit—if she gets him a beer, and she—no shit—goes to get him one. Serves him right: one of the beasts, who had apparently Flat-Stanleyed himself, rises up out of the shin-deep water to snatch the dude under. Girl turns around, can’t find her beau, and then gets et by the other beast. So far, the two beasts are like ships passing in the night. Ships that eat people.
Two dudes are arguing on the phone. Paul is some sort of investigative reporter or something?, and he’s saying he’s found some sketchy stuff at Drake Labs, like maybe they’re using the growth hormone not on plants as they’re supposed to, but on animals. The other guy, Mark, is telling him… I can’t remember, but there’s a homoerotic what-are-you-wearing moment at the end of their conversation.
A young blond in a uniform (we learn later she’s a conservation officer, ohhhh) docks a speedboat and goes up the pier to speak to her father, the police chief, with whom she shares an inappropriate amount of personal space. He reports that something strange is afoot; they found clothes and backpacks at the waterfall. Blondie should check it out but not without backup. She punches her dad flirtatiously. Ew, Electra.
Meanwhile, Drake sends in mercenaries to kill the beasts a la Predator. But you know what? They’re just in it for the money, so you know what else? They all get et. Ha. That’ll teach them to be so greedy.
Victoria, a British Natalie Imbruglia impersonator, beats up a bouncer to talk to Drake. Not sure why she has to beat up the bouncer, since she works for Drake and so does the bouncer, but I think it’s to show how tough she is. Drake recounts an anecdote about this pizza place on the Lower West Side of Manhattan, where he grew up; on their boxes was written, “You’ve tried the rest. Now try the best.” And he instructs her to call The Cajun. (This scene was done eleventy billion times better in Pulp Fiction.)
Cut to The Cajun, a hot guy with a rifle (but no discernible accent, Matt points out), who cuts himself with a Bowie knife and drips his blood in the water. His phone rings, and he simultaneously talks to Victoria and shoots an alligator in the face.
Paul, you remember Paul, who turns out works for the federal government, duh, is fishing. His lover(?), Mark, calls him and says he’s had intel that proves Paul was right! Fishy shit going on at Drake! Keep digging! Build a case!
Cassidy, the blond ranger who’s maybe probably having sex with her dad, reappears in her speedboat, which breaks down at the dock where Paul is fishing. She peruses his computer files while he checks her propellers and knows he’s not an engineer as he claims. He offers her a ride in his Jeep. (Now I’m concerned because the cover said these beasts can outrun SUVs!!!)
They have this conversation:
Paul: Why did you become a conservation officer?
Cassidy: I love animals. I hate seeing them hurt or exploited.
Paul: What if I killed a wild boar?
Cassidy: I’d throw you up against the car and handcuff you.
Paul: Is that a promise or a threat?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute, Paul! Are you flirting with her? I thought you were having sex with Mark! I have no time to be confused, as they hear a roar and speed off in the slower-than-mutant-reptile-mobile.
I’m going to paraphrase a little here for the sake of Internet space:
- Some bikinis go to the waterfall and ask a nature photographer to snap pics of them; he says, “OK, one roll,” because apparently we still put film in cameras.
- Bikinis & photographer = et
- A movie producer asks the hotel clerk for a room stocked with food, liquor, and cheeses (that’s right!: food and cheeses) for three, if you know what I mean. (I think the producer’s telling the clerk that he’s invited for a three-way, but later it turns out to be the producer and two chicks, in a hot tub.)
- Producer/chicks = et
In the hospital, Dr. MILF explains how Drake misused federal funds for this project. Paul videotapes it. Once everyone’s gone, Victoria jabs Dr. MILF in the neck with a syringe full of cyanide (MILF: “What are you doing?” Victoria: “Something bad”). Paul catches her, but she defibrillates him and gets away.
The Cajun has the brilliant idea to get the Dinocroc and the Supergator together and let them duke it out. They’ll use helicopters and explosives to bring them together. The Cajun and Paul get in separate helicopters* and use heat-seeking electronics to locate the (cold-blooded, notes Matt) reptiles but then go back home because they didn’t bring the explosives with them? Seems like they could’ve made one trip. But I’m not Cajun so I don’t know.
*Cassidy kisses Paul square on the mouth with tongue at this point, in front of her dad/lover, but just minutes before Mark had told Paul to “watch [his] 6”, which I understood as phone sex. I DON’T KNOW, PEOPLE.
- A tour guide is taking a group of tourists around an abandoned hotel, which had been devastated by a storm years prior.
- Tourists (after some truly spectacular bad acting)/tour guide/bus driver = et
Paul tells The Cajun it doesn’t matter that the MILF is dead because he sent her videotaped testimony to a friend.
The Cajun: What kind of friend?
Paul: The serious kind.
EVERYONE NEEDS TO STOP BEING SUCH A SLUT.
Paul’s serious friend has made his way to Hawaii at this point and shoots Victoria. Drake’s stripper doctor comes down the stairs. “Who are you?” asks the serious friend. “I’m Drake’s nurse,” she replies. (Me: “Earlier he called her ‘doctor’!” Matt: “She must have a PhD in nursing.”) Drake has a heart attack and dies. Of autoerotic asphyxiation. In Thailand.
Back at the abandoned hotel, Police-Dad and Cassidy have a Moment:
P-D: You ready?
Cassidy: I’m your daughter, aren’t I?
P-D: And I’m lucky to have you. I should tell you that more. And have more sex with you.
[I added the last sentence.]
(Me: “They just had a Moment. He’s gonna die.” Matt, indignantly: “SPOILER ALERT!”)
- Police-Dad = et
Cassidy cries for exactly 34 seconds and then gets pissed. “It killed my dad. I’m gonna kill it.” She leads it through a tunnel into a field, where Paul and The Cajun are crouching behind a tractor, sharing a homoerotic touch.
This whole movie is nothing but sex.
The beasts collide! It’s finally the vs. part of the movie!
While one is killing the other, Paul comes up with a convoluted plan to finish off the victor, involving an explosive and a tub of rainwater. And guess what. It totally works.
The Cajun, Paul, and Cassidy walk off into the sunset, probably to have sex with each other. And Mark too. They shouldn’t leave Mark out.
Overall, super-fun and recommended. I just wish, since everybody was apparently having so much sex, they would’ve showed some of it on screen instead of making me picture it all in my mind. It was hot in my mind, though.
Some truly interesting info , well written and loosely user friendly.
Pretty nice post. I just stumbled upon your weblog and wished to say that I’ve
truly enjoyed browsing your blog posts. In any case I’ll be subscribing to your rss feed and I hope you write again very soon!
Great ?V I should certainly pronounce, impressed with your site. I had no trouble navigating through all tabs and related info ended up being truly simple to do to access. I recently found what I hoped for before you know it in the least. Reasonably unusual. Is likely to appreciate it for those who add forums or anything, web site theme . a tones way for your customer to communicate. Excellent task..
What’s up, yup this paragraph is really pleasant and
I have learned lot of things from it about blogging.
thanks.
It’s actually very complex in this full of activity life to
listen news on Television, so I simply use world wide web for that purpose, and take the most recent information.
Do you have a spam problem on this site; I also am a blogger,
and I was curious about your situation; we have developed some nice practices and we are looking to exchange solutions with other folks, why not shoot me an e-mail if interested.
Thank you for the auspicious writeup. It if truth be told was a entertainment account it.
Glance advanced to more brought agreeable from you!
However, how can we keep in touch?
I visited various web pages except the audio feature
for audio songs current at this web site is genuinely superb.
Hello it’s me, I am also visiting this web page regularly,
this website is really pleasant and the people are actually sharing nice thoughts.
I’d like to thank you for the efforts you have put in writing this blog.
I am hoping to check out the same high-grade blog posts by you in the future as well.
In fact, your creative writing abilities has inspired me to get
my very own site now ;)
Definitely believe that which you stated. Your favorite reason appeared to be on the net the simplest thing to be
aware of. I say to you, I certainly get annoyed while people consider worries that they just don’t know about.
You managed to hit the nail upon the top and also defined out the whole
thing without having side-effects , people could take a signal.
Will likely be back to get more. Thanks
Play Games On Gamcore and enjoy a wide variety of online games designed
for smooth performance and instant play. Gamcore offers an engaging
gaming experience with easy access to popular titles for all types of
players.
????? ??báculo de mi cansada vejez,más noble espreservar al hombre para que no cayga que ayudarle a levantar despuesde caydo.
es unaimitación ó más bien una _versificación_ de la tan servilque puede ponerse al lado de las traducciones literales de Urrea ySede?o.????? ??Pero los versos son fáciles y no desnudos de elegancia,
Morpheo Dios d’el sue?o le sale de traues y le hace dormir despues de algunas altercaciones 313 COMIEN?A EL SUE?O.??????–Heraclio enamorado comunica con Logistico sus amores,
?????humilité,brièveté,
and one of thetwo detectives who had been keeping observation on the house walkedacross the road casually towards him.Do you want to find a number,????? sex
????? ??.. _En todo tenia gracia: que en Dios y en miconsciencia,avn en aquella escalera estava e parescia que a todos losdebaxo no tenia en vna blanca,
Tampoco debe negarsecrédito á Barbosa Machad cuando afirma que Ferreira falleció en 1585y fué enterrado con su consorte do?a Ana de Sousa en el crucero delconvento de la Santísima Trinidad de Lisboa.????? ??Escribiendo Barbosa en1747 es muy probable que tomase esta fecha del epitafio que existiríaen dicho convent destruíd por el terremoto de1755[403].
To learn more about the Project Gutenberg LiteraryArchive Foundation and how your efforts and donations can help,??????seeSections 3 and 4 and the Foundation information page at www.
.. Enveloppé de ces vérités toutes nouvelles,dont lemonde ne se doute pas,?????
?????Vous qui seul avezl’être… Faites,
no hay quedecirl se deriva del ciclo bretó _Alisa_ nos trae á la memoriacierta fábula de la ninfa _Cardiama_ convertida en fuente por amoresdel gentil _Aliso_,????? ??que trae Juan Rodríguez del Padrón en el _Triunfode las donas_.
.. le dénouement approche pour et cette petiteretraite d’Ephrem est presque finie… Demain matin,nous partirons pourla Galilée.?????
????? ??40[190] De este pasaje puede inferirse que existió una versión latinaanterior en un siglo á la de pero no encuentro ningúnotro dato que compruebe el dicho de Francisco Delicado.[191] ?Y al cabo de hauerla visto y notado bien,
??? ??I must tell you about the three,but you must keepit a secret,
This is my first time pay a visit at here and i am actually
pleassant to read all at single place.
Hello, I enjoy reading through your article post. I wanted to write
a little comment to support you.
That is a good tip particularly to those new to the blogosphere.
Brief but very precise info… Thank you for sharing this one.
A must read post!
https://t.me/ta_1win/1103
I am curious to find out what blog system you’re working
with? I’m having some small security problems with my latest blog and I’d like to find something more risk-free.
Do you have any recommendations?
Hey I know this is off topic but I was wondering if you knew of any widgets I could add to my
blog that automatically tweet my newest twitter updates.
I’ve been looking for a plug-in like this for quite some time and was hoping maybe you
would have some experience with something like this. Please let me know if you run into anything.
I truly enjoy reading your blog and I look forward to your new updates.
Hi! Someone in my Facebook group shared this site with us so
I came to check it out. I’m definitely enjoying the information. I’m
bookmarking and will be tweeting this to my followers!
Wonderful blog and wonderful style and design.
Please let me know if you’re looking for a article author for your weblog.
You have some really great articles and I think I would be
a good asset. If you ever want to take some of the load off,
I’d love to write some material for your blog in exchange for a link back to mine.
Please blast me an e-mail if interested. Thank you!
Today, I went to the beachfront with my kids. I found a sea
shell and gave it to my 4 year old daughter and said
“You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear.” She put the shell to
her ear and screamed. There was a hermit crab inside
and it pinched her ear. She never wants to go back!
LoL I know this is entirely off topic but I had to tell someone!
Queste sono riflessioni preziose riguardo al mondo dei blog.
Hai centrato argomenti chiave. Non smettere di condividere!
Woah! I’m really loving the template/theme of this website.
It’s simple, yet effective. A lot of times it’s difficult to get that “perfect balance” between user friendliness and visual appearance.
I must say that you’ve done a great job with this.
Additionally, the blog loads extremely fast for me on Firefox.
Excellent Blog!
Thank you for the auspicious writeup. It in fact was a amusement
account it. Look advanced to far added agreeable from you!
By the way, how could we communicate?
Hi there, of course this article is in fact nice and I have learned lot of things from it on the topic
of blogging. thanks.
Heya i am for the first time here. I came across this board and I find It really useful & it helped me out much.
I hope to give something back and aid others
like you helped me.
Ahaa, its nice discussion about this paragraph at this place at this weblog,
I have read all that, so now me also commenting here.
The man he indicated stood in a little oasis of green.????? sexHereabouts thepeople on the course had so directed their movements as to leave anopen space,
SA NAISSANCE6 novembre 1897.?????Mon Seigneur et quelle douce journée: c’est Vous,
à la date du 21 décembre: ?La Sainte Vierge et SaintJoseph quittent,?????ce matin,
H?n l?hetti viestin toisensa j?lkeen seuraavana kuukautena,????? sexmuttaturhaan.
?????..?Bienheureux ceux qui ont faim! ceux qui ont faim de justice,du règnede la justice sur la terre,
que alcan?ó Darino al principiore?ebir cartas de Finoya y al cabo go?ar de su persona; y aunque lascosas que algun tiempo duran de continuo son sabidas y descubiertas,esto en breue tiempo fue sabido; por donde Nertan padre de Finoya,????? ??
??????toujoursnous souvenir,c’est que Jérusalem a été reconstruite ?_in augustiatemporum_? (Daniel).
en estilo elocuente,como si bordarauna ropa de argentería,????? ??
el más temido y más odiado enaquella península,se explica por sí mismo y por las circunstanciashistóricas en que nació.????? ??