As it did last year, the journey with my father and dogs had a second leg. Here’s some of his wisdom from the vacation and the trip back down south.
Dad: (to my brother-in-law) You’re wearing Levi’s. I have Faded Glory. In more ways than one.
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Dad: (paraphrasing Macbeth to my mother when his sciatic nerve started jangling his toes) Oh, full of scorpions are my boots, dear wife!
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Dad: (looking into the freezer at the store) What ever happened to strawberry ice cream? Nowadays it’s all “Moose Tracks” and “Bear Turds”.
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Dad: (coughing a totally normal-sounding cough) I keep hoping this is hay fever and not the end of the road.
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Dad: I’ll buy whatever you want for dinner. We could go to a half-decent place. Even a decent place.
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Dad: (as we pass a gas station in Virginia) $2.99 a gallon?!… (holds out his closed hand) That’s worthy of a fist bump.
[If you don’t know him, this one might not be that funny, but my siblings will find it hilarious. Short version: My father has a tremendous loathing for pop culture. (Also, he pronounced every letter in “fist bump”.)]
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Dad: You never have to fear when you’re traveling with Leighton Scott’s wallet.
[My dad is not a rich man. And he regularly loses his wallet.]
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Dad: (as we listen to the Cool Classics radio station) When are they going to make some music that sounds different? This all sounds the same… ‘Course it all sounds good when you’re stoned.
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Dad: I don’t know why I’m doing this. I know where Hartford is. (looks in atlas) Yep, right in the middle of fucking Connecticut.
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Dad: I have no problems. Even if I worked for the carnival for $45 a week. Until my clothes rotted off. Then I’d be arrested for indecent exposure.
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Dad: (as I look at the GPS on my phone) What are you doing? Playing Tetris?
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Dad: What kind of twerp would buy a Volvo?
Me: Didn’t we have a Volvo?
Dad: Yes, we were that kind of twerp.
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Dad: (after eating a plate of bacon [“This stuff is great for you!”] and spicy homefries from the Whole Foods buffet) You don’t suppose they sell any healthy Tums in here, do you?
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My kitchen table, which was admittedly rickety before, collapsed after dad got up from it.
Dad: Well, I’ve done a lot of positive things today. I fed your dogs… I let you sleep in… I did wreck your kitchen table though.
Love you, Dad. Even when you wreck my kitchen table.
I just. I mean. Your Dad is awesome. So, so awesome.
Am I laughing at the blogger or the curmudgeon? The answer, of course, is yes. Chortling I think. Next time I see him it WILL be a fist bump!
He’s pretty much the greatest. Fist bumps all around!
OMG, Amy. I have been laughing my head off! You both are hilarious! I have had these same sorts of conversations with your dad. I haven’t been reading you lately…obviously I have some catching up to do!!!