If you’re new, here’s the beginning of the Tulip Chronicles.
Day 1
The previous day’s Feisty Fido class had been taught by an ex-Navy man with blue eyes and a lot of sun damage. He had worn a t-shirt with the sleeves cut off. Smiled and smoked and cursed for the whole class. He had told us to walk in small circles, essentially herding our dogs, and make short, sharp tugs on the leash to keep the dogs focused.
Tulip and I go out in the driveway and walk in circles. Tulip does well, though she doesn’t sit on command. I have to “tell her once and then make it happen”, like the guy’s assistant had told me to do.
I put her inside and bring Redford and Violet out. Violet goes first and is a goddamn champ. She tries to sniff around at first, but once she realizes there’s a new sheriff in town, she’s all business.
Guess who’s uh asshole. Redford. That punk wants to walk me, and I’m all, ‘Nuh-uh,’ and he’s all, ‘Yeah-huh.’ And I’m all, ‘NUH-UH,’ and he’s all, ‘Awww, man.’
Day 2
We walk in circles. Tulip still won’t sit on command when we’re training. (She will when we’re inside and/or when she knows I have a treat.) I keep making it happen.
It’s been four weeks! Tulip is off restriction from her heartworm shut-down. I throw the plastic monkey with the rope tail around the yard for her. She gallops and cavorts. It’s the picture of happiness.
Day 3
We walk in circles. Still not sitting.
Tulip and I are shut up in the spare room. She’s chewing on something. I’m playing Scramble on my iPhone. She paces once across the room and squats to pee on the floor! I go, “Nonononononono,” but she’s going. I run out to get paper towels, and she slips through the door behind me. “NONONONONONONO.” I shuffle dogs faster than a Three-Card Monti dealer in Washington Square. They’re all surprised as shit, so they have no time to get into it with each other.
I put Tulip outside for a potty break. I wish I knew why, once in a blue moon, she thinks it’s kosher to piss on the floor.
I have now had Tulip longer than I had Buffy. That seems crazy.
Day 4
We walk in circles. Still not sitting. But we go around the block, and she does well.
Day 5
Day 6
We walk in circles. I’m getting frustrated with making the sitting happen.
Violet and Redford are doing well individually, so I we loop around the block together. It’s so much less frustrating that our usual walks, where my shoulders get regularly dislocated! I yike it!
Day 7
Tulip wakes me up whining. I think she’s just bored in the kennel, but when I take her out, she won’t eat her breakfast. Then the backwards gulp starts. I toss Redford and Violet into my room and flap Tulip to the kitchen door. She’s still uh-ggging, and it looks like she’s going to upchuck right there on the deck. I run outside and shoo her into the yard where she barfs. Then I slink back inside.
If Alfred happened to be looking out his window at 7:36am, then he got a hellified action shot of me in my underpants and camisole.