Twice when I was growing up, maybe a couple years apart, I choked on food. Both times, it was a navel orange segment that I hadn’t bothered to chew enough. Both times, my mom noticed that I was about to die, reached in the back of my throat, pulled out the offending citrus, and flung it in the trash.
And went back to needle-pointing a Christmas stocking. Or braiding bread dough into Challah loaves.
In my adulthood, I asked her, “Mom, how could you not totally freak out when your baby’s airway was cut off?”
She paused and then said, “Well, I always thought there could be only one drama queen in a relationship, and your father had that pretty much covered.”
There’s something to be said for this. My mom and dad are opposites in many ways. Mom has a sort of practical/functional slant to her smarts (her PhD is in public health); Dad’s brain is more theoretical (his, ancient history). Mom’s never met a stranger; Dad’s a proud misanthrope. Mom’s parenting style was a little more laissez-faire; Dad was always fiercely protective, ready to swoop in and save the day.
My sister and brother-in-law are interesting complements as well. When I didn’t call after meeting FOT the first time, my sister started worrying. “I hope something bad didn’t happen on Amy’s date,” she said to her husband.
He cocked his head at her and said, “Maybe her date went really well.”
One time E got my sister a little figurine of Tigger standing behind Eeyore, the tiger yanking backwards on both of the donkey’s cheeks.
Wait a minute…
My brother-in-law : Tigger :: my sister : Eeyore.
But you have to have something in common, of course. My parents have been together 40 years, my sister and bro-in-law 21. They didn’t get there being diametrically opposed in every way.
So what do you absolutely have to share with your partner? And how much different is good?
I ask because I’m emailing with a guy from OKCupid right now who claims to be a positive nihilist (that sounds like me), loves food (um, mm-hm), and won’t get out of his car at his destination if Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin'” is on the radio (whoa! hello, kindred spirit!).
But he smokes “sometimes”, drinks “often”, and doesn’t want children.
I’m thinking I could tolerate (a) and (b), but (c) probably means no-go, right?
ok, here’s the thing: ten years ago, when friends of mine were in the same predicament with the kid question and dating, i would always say, “well, you never know…sometimes people change their minds if it’s with the right person.” and that did actually happen a few times to couples i know…
that being said, i think if this guy is around our age, we’re pretty set now in the knowledge of whether or not we want to be parents. if it’s something you definitely want, you owe it to yourself to date people who definitely want kids too. i personally do not want to bear children of my own. i have very specific reasons why (and no, it’s not vanity). i would, however, completely and totally date someone who did have children. i love ’em, i love being an aunt, i could see myself being a stepmom.
anyway, if you’re dating in order to find a partner, and not just for kicks and giggles, i think it’s a valid question to ask, and a valid one to be a “dealbreaker” in your quest.
I think you have to share values (attitude towards making babies qualifies), get along, and have chemistry.
From most important to least important.
I wouldn’t say its a dealbreaker in the emailing stage, as you said people change their mind (I’m not saying you should count on it though)… if you agreed on everything else and found yourselves compatible in every other way then you can worry about it, until then why not just date…
“drinks often” sets off every alarm bell in my head…just sayin’
A and B are DQr’s. C is simply out there.
As you point out, E and I could not be more different in many ways. But I think what has made “us” work for so long are our shared priorities on the *most* of the big things–kids, money, dreams for the future, etc. That and laughing our asses off together at every opportunity. And he’s pretty cute.
You have many people who care about you and offer great advice! I agree with your mom on the drinks often ..just because you don’t! Then the children thing is another x against him. He would have to have a lot of other common interests to be a “keeper” Have fun and date him for awhile to see but I think you would eventually move on.
this post made me smile with my heart.
as for dealbreakers: FUN NO DRAMA. i don’t think you need to kick this guy out of bed for eating crackers just yet. if you’re having fun emailing him, you should go on a date with him and see if that’s just as fun. FUN NO DRAMA. (caroline gave me that mantra when i was dating bruce. IT WORKS.) just FUN. no drama.
re: drinking.
i’m with norma. “drinks often” could mean anything, really. what is his definition of “often”? if i were going to say “i’ve been drinking often lately” it would mean i had one glass of wine with dinner 3 nights this week. i’m not necessarily sold that he’s an alcoholic, but because you don’t really drink, that could be… awkward.
re: “no kids”, … i don’t know. at this point in your “relationship” i think it’s too soon to know if you’re going to have kids. he may think that he doesn’t want any kids, but then, … he wrote that profile before he met YOU. it may just be the case that the 2 of you get together and… bring out the best in each other.
online dating is so strange that way: you write a profile and simplify these incredibly important characteristics/issues into phrases like “drinks often” and “no kids” and…it kind of takes the fun out of the “getting to know you” part of dating. but really, do you know each other? because you read each other’s profiles? of course not.
bruce and i are a lot alike in many ways…and very different in others. but what makes our relationship work for me is how much i enjoy being with him. i could spend every second of my life with him without ever taking a break from him. some might call this “codependency”. poTAto poTAHto. works for us.
in conclusion: drinksoftennokids just may surprise you. GO ON A DATE WITH HIM! and pay for your part. be yourself in all your beautiful glory. i love you. truly. madly. deeply.
amy, you simply must sign in as someone else. Folks’ll get confused when it looks like I’m responding to my own blog post!
Other than that, you and everyone else had valuable input. I’m mulling. Watch me mull.
Amy, I love you. You know that. Much mention of drinking and not wanting children, but no mention of smoking. That’s the deal-breaker right there. You might want to ask him when he smokes. It’s likely he’ll say when he drinks. Then ask him how often he drinks. I have one beer a week, and when I’m asked if I drink I must say yes–because I do! Is that often? Well, given that when I was on my dieting craze I didn’t have a drink of alcohol for 3 years, yes, it’s often. I’m rambling. I’ll stop now.
BTW, my father was a heavy smoker and died of lung cancer. Yes, I’m projecting. Did I mention that I love you? Since I do, I can rant. (I’m quite manipulative.)
Ah, you’re all so freakin’ idealistic. When you fall in love with someone, you put up with shit you wouldn’t take from anyone else, and learn from it, too. Margo has a couple of traits that drive me nuts, and I KNOW, for a fact, that several of my traits were on her ‘dealbreaker’ list. But it’s been what, ten years?? because we discovered we couldn’t live without each other, didn’t want to, and learned to compromise and make sacrifices to make that happen. I’m just sayin’ – true love often undermines the whole ‘shopping’ thing. Yes, there’s something to be said for staying alert for sociopathic behavior. But too much haggling and you miss out on some really great people.
Paul, I just adore you. Yeah, the smoking thing, I would’ve said, would be a deal-breaker, as would not being absolutely smitten with dogs. But my friend married a smoker, who WAS SCARED OF HER DOG. And he has stopped smoking for the most part and now refers to the dog as “my dog”.
Deborah, you might be right. I really need to stop finding reasons why something won’t work and start looking for ones why it might…Pardon me while I email back that Turkish civil engineer who doesn’t have a total command of English.