2 Cents + 2 Cents =

A facebook acquaintance had an opinion about my new profile. Here it is, interspersed with my thoughts as I read it:

Amy,
I know that this is completely unsolicited and that, coming from me, it probably doesn’t mean much, but I actually preferred your last Match profile entry.

Well…from what I’ve seen, you’re not an Olympic dater. I mean, you’ve told stories and blogged about your lack of success with women…But no, no, have at. I want to hear it. I like feedback.

For what it’s worth, I wouldn’t recommend opening with the line about never buying your partner gifts. Even if true, that seems to be a disclosure that can be saved for the second date.

Yeah? I think it’s kind of funny. And it is true. I’m a terrible gift-giver.

Sure, with most guys, it will be easily overcome, but at least from my way of thinking, it doesn’t come off as an endearing quality. It makes you seem insensitive, uncaring, and/or disinterested in a serious relationship and I don’t think that’s how you want to come off, and from what little I know about you, I don’t think that’s true.

Really? Insensitive, uncaring…you don’t think that’s true? Clearly you don’t know me, because that describes me perfectly. Douche.

I also think that your line about exceedingly photogenic and “taking your photos with a grain of salt” could be misinterpreted at worst, and just isn’t necessary. For pity’s sake, you make it sound like your photos have been airbrushed! Don’t downplay your looks! You’re not chubby, you’re a normal sized woman; you’re just not anorexic. And, if I can say so without sounding like I’m hitting on you, you are an attractive woman at that.

I’m not a fucking normal-sized woman. I’m a fat person. Also, see how I hyphenated ‘normal-sized’? I did that because it’s used as an adjective. And yes, because I’m pissed off, I’m going to nitpick your grammar. Because it makes me feel superior.

Don’t tell guys your pictures look better than you actually do.

Don’t tell me what to do.

It’s not true, and sends the wrong message. And don’t put the image of a troll in their head (even if you say you are at least a bit more attractive then one).

You mean ‘than’.

Think of this as an interview where you want to sell yourself, not a disciplinary review board where you have to make excuses for yourself. Be positive about yourself. Don’t give guys an excuse not to date you; let them decide if they aren’t interested.

Oh, is that what it is? Somewhere I want to sell myself? You mean, I should try to make people like me? I didn’t realize that. Because I’m only 34 years old.

You’ve got a lot going for you. You are funny, charismatic, caring, and charming… and you like NPR. How can you go wrong with that line up? Go with your strong suits, and I’m sure you’ll find the guy of your dreams.

Yes, I am all those things, and yes, I do like NPR. You can’t go wrong with that line-up, so shut the hell up and let me do my thing.

I know that was unsolicited and possibly unwelcome, but I just wanted to give you my 2 cents.

No, hey—thanks.

[The thing is, (1) he said an awful lot of nice things in there, but I couldn’t hear them because I become a seventh grader in the presence of unsolicited criticism. And (2) he’s right. I’m not selling myself in this profile. I’m under-selling myself. And why would I want to do that? Perhaps because I’m so fucking ambivalent about this whole prospect. Or because I’m terrified a guy will pull up to our first date and go, “Whoa whoa whoa. No.” Or maybe because I kind of want nobody to email me so I won’t have to go through this shit again.]