2 Cents + 2 Cents =

A facebook acquaintance had an opinion about my new profile. Here it is, interspersed with my thoughts as I read it:

Amy,
I know that this is completely unsolicited and that, coming from me, it probably doesn’t mean much, but I actually preferred your last Match profile entry.

Well…from what I’ve seen, you’re not an Olympic dater. I mean, you’ve told stories and blogged about your lack of success with women…But no, no, have at. I want to hear it. I like feedback.

For what it’s worth, I wouldn’t recommend opening with the line about never buying your partner gifts. Even if true, that seems to be a disclosure that can be saved for the second date.

Yeah? I think it’s kind of funny. And it is true. I’m a terrible gift-giver.

Sure, with most guys, it will be easily overcome, but at least from my way of thinking, it doesn’t come off as an endearing quality. It makes you seem insensitive, uncaring, and/or disinterested in a serious relationship and I don’t think that’s how you want to come off, and from what little I know about you, I don’t think that’s true.

Really? Insensitive, uncaring…you don’t think that’s true? Clearly you don’t know me, because that describes me perfectly. Douche.

I also think that your line about exceedingly photogenic and “taking your photos with a grain of salt” could be misinterpreted at worst, and just isn’t necessary. For pity’s sake, you make it sound like your photos have been airbrushed! Don’t downplay your looks! You’re not chubby, you’re a normal sized woman; you’re just not anorexic. And, if I can say so without sounding like I’m hitting on you, you are an attractive woman at that.

I’m not a fucking normal-sized woman. I’m a fat person. Also, see how I hyphenated ‘normal-sized’? I did that because it’s used as an adjective. And yes, because I’m pissed off, I’m going to nitpick your grammar. Because it makes me feel superior.

Don’t tell guys your pictures look better than you actually do.

Don’t tell me what to do.

It’s not true, and sends the wrong message. And don’t put the image of a troll in their head (even if you say you are at least a bit more attractive then one).

You mean ‘than’.

Think of this as an interview where you want to sell yourself, not a disciplinary review board where you have to make excuses for yourself. Be positive about yourself. Don’t give guys an excuse not to date you; let them decide if they aren’t interested.

Oh, is that what it is? Somewhere I want to sell myself? You mean, I should try to make people like me? I didn’t realize that. Because I’m only 34 years old.

You’ve got a lot going for you. You are funny, charismatic, caring, and charming… and you like NPR. How can you go wrong with that line up? Go with your strong suits, and I’m sure you’ll find the guy of your dreams.

Yes, I am all those things, and yes, I do like NPR. You can’t go wrong with that line-up, so shut the hell up and let me do my thing.

I know that was unsolicited and possibly unwelcome, but I just wanted to give you my 2 cents.

No, hey—thanks.

[The thing is, (1) he said an awful lot of nice things in there, but I couldn’t hear them because I become a seventh grader in the presence of unsolicited criticism. And (2) he’s right. I’m not selling myself in this profile. I’m under-selling myself. And why would I want to do that? Perhaps because I’m so fucking ambivalent about this whole prospect. Or because I’m terrified a guy will pull up to our first date and go, “Whoa whoa whoa. No.” Or maybe because I kind of want nobody to email me so I won’t have to go through this shit again.]

23 thoughts on “2 Cents + 2 Cents =”

  1. I realize my unsolicited opinion is probably as welcome as a cold sore, but I happen to like the opening about the futility of giving gifts. It’s a pointless exercise where the beneficiaries seldom get the same return the benefactors would have received if they had devoted the same resources to their own benefit. Unlike your previous reviewer, I think plenty of the target audience would go on a date with the chick who has a lot of good qualities without being overly sentimental, high-maintenance, histrionic, or impractical.

    Do you care to explain the inclusion of the line about the engagement ring? To me, it changes the tone of the whole profile and imbues the entire prospect of dating you with inordinate pressure, which is incongruous IMO with how you portray yourself in the opening paragraphs.

    It’s just difficult for me to reconcile the laid-back person who doesn’t expect gifts with one who talks of getting engaged in her dating profile, particularly when some elements of the putative engagement would be fairly unconventional. It’s hard to know whether you’re laid-back and have fewer and simpler needs than most women (which is obviously attractive), or if your ideals are just as traditional, but you don’t expect or feel that you deserve to have them rewarded to the same extent as others.

    As for photographic verisimilitude, I think pretty much every guy who isn’t new to the rodeo assumes that online dating sites magically subtract 20 pounds from every female figure. Most guys will be happy if you simply look about the same as you did in front of the camera when the photos were taken, which is why I think that the disclaimer at the end is unnecessary. If it were my profile, though, I’d take down the picture with the ex-boyfriend.

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  2. I especially like the part about how he mentions that knows his comments are unsolicited and perhaps unwanted, but his thinks your profile may be selling yourself short. I can’t think of a better way to say “fuck you” than to call him a douche and blog about it. Classy. I can’t really imagine what brought him to comment on such a woe-is-me profile from someone clearly in a “fuck-with-me-i-dare-you” mood, but you sure put him in his place. I’m sure you two will be the bestest of facebook friends.

    Hopefully you have a link to your blog on your profile so guys can “Whoa whoa whoa, no” before they even send you an email.

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  3. Yeah, “Really?”, the point of the post was that I was being an asshole. You didn’t pick that up?

    But thanks for reiterating.

    For the record, my facebook friend got it. We still play Wordscraper. And you know what else is good news: if you don’t like me, you don’t have to ask me out on a date! I don’t like you, so I won’t ask you out on a date! Yay for both of us!

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