I [Stir-fry] Myself

Joined Match.com today. OKCupid was not cutting it.

Sometimes, just for shits and giggles, I like to play Mad Libs with the dudes’ profiles.

“You want somebody that: treats you like a [dolphin], [swiffers] you, has a money paying [monkey], won’t embarrass [your cat], [screams] charge, makes you [speak Arabic] and will listen to your [rotator cuffs] but not fix them.”

9 thoughts on “I [Stir-fry] Myself”

  1. From your match profile:
    “Funny is sexy. If I find you funny, you can be a gnarly 50-year-old with a gut and B. O., and I’ll still want to smooch you.”

    From http://avidbruxist.com/blog/?p=190#comments:
    “I thought, if I could just find somebody who shares my sense of humor, that would be all I’d need. But I went on a date with this dude, Chris, and we laughed and laughed the whole time and guess what. I guess that’s not all I need. My friend Cat refers to the negatives as ducks. Like, I wasn’t physically attracted to him (duck). He told me he didn’t have any friends (duck). He took one bite of each thing on his plate before chewing it all up and swallowing it (goose).”

    This is why dating sucks (and I do recon). It’s okay to have high standards, but at least be willing to own up to them.

  2. Dear Marty M,

    Please, for the love of Christ, JUST MOVE ON. Sorry things didn’t work out between the two of you, but that’s life. Why keep torturing yourself by visiting this blog?

  3. What on earth are you blabbering about? I don’t have any personal investment in what occurs here. I’m just warning that lots of creepy, physically repugnant guys are going to jump all over a profile that intimates low standards. They flock to that as my species flocks to ordure. It sounds like a recipe for more crappy dates.

    God forbid an anonymous insect sporadically post something just the least bit critical here.

  4. Ooooooooh! Drama on my blog! I’m so excited!

    Marty, my Match profile is old old old. Like three years old. (Craig can attest to that–it’s how we met!) I only had time to update a few things when I put it up. Like a photo, and the fact that I now have dogs. Don’t worry, I will rephrase the gnarly 50-year-old comment. But Marty…MARty…I think you have a little crush on me!

    Thanks for sticking up for me, Craig-o. Yer a shweetie.

  5. Ar-har. My assumption after you “joined” yesterday was that the info was all new.

    My role as self-appointed guardian winged creature requires that I efface any and all emotional bias to what I read, and that includes silly pre-teen “crushes.” Do you have any wishes to reprise Geena Davis? I can’t say I’m open to interspecies relationships at this time, but I will keep it in mind, should I decide to become more attuned to my feelings in the future.

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