I’m going to be 36 in September. Let’s say I meet someone tomorrow. We do the dating thing and discover, miraculously, that we’re perfect for each other. That would take—what?—minimum a year, right? Let’s pretend he proposes, and we plan our wedding. That’s another year. And then imagine that I’m Fertile Myrtle, which I’m not convinced that I am, and I conceive on our wedding night. Grant all that, and I’m going to be 38 when I have my first child.
Now, let’s say I don’t meet him tomorrow. Or for another year, or two years, or five years, or ever. Which is totally plausible, because there’s clearly something very, very wrong with me.
How long do I wait before I have kids? I don’t really want to be a single mom, but I don’t want to be an ancient mom, either. And it’s not like I wouldn’t have help. Last year, when I was in a relationship and had that random 6-week stretch between periods, and I called my sister to freak out, I could hear her smiling over the phone. “…I’d help you raise it!” she cooed.
And yesterday at brunch, I saw this dude. Guy I’ve known casually for years. He doesn’t even live in Durham anymore, but he comes back frequently to visit. He’s fucking gorgeous. An artist. And he gives hugs that make your panties fall off. I thought when I saw him, as I have many, many times in the past, “I want to have his babies.” If I could whisk his sperm and my eggs together, I think the result would be a ridiculously cute tan-skinned artist/writer baby omelet.
You may be wondering, if I like him so much, why I don’t just ask him out. The answer is, I kinda did. A few years ago, I basically told him I was gonna make him my boyfriend, and he was totally flattered and ultimately just not down with it. I don’t know. One of my friends says he has some relationship baggage, but most likely he just didn’t find me attractive.
But he’s clearly got some phenomenal genes, and if I could get ahold of some of them and a turkey baster….
How would he react if I asked him though? Two friends of mine, a lesbian couple—no, not them…not them either…not them either…jeez, I have a lot of lesbian friends— Anyway! They’re trying to start a family. They thought about going to a sperm bank but decided instead just to ask a friend who they thought was really awesome to donate. He said he would do it gladly.
But is their friend the exception? Would most men be into it? Or would they be uncomfortable, or horrified, or upset?
So this question is for the dudes out there (and I know there are so many of you who read this blog):
How would you feel if someone asked you to be their sperm donor?
Feel free to answer anonymously.
I have had this discussion with my husband…I feel its okay to offer up his sperm but he is not so hip to the idea of someone other than me having a baby that is his. He would feel too responsible for it, and when the kid comes of the age to ask questions about their dad, he worries that the kid would be resentful about the whole situation.
Ask him!!! What’s the worst case scenario? He’ll say “no” and be awkward for a little while. You can deal with awkward! Otherwise, you’ll be left wondering….
We’re still chugging away at our little attempt!
I so understand the dilemma. I want to have a kid in about 2 years and, if I find an awesome person to spend my life with during this time, that’d be great. But I’m not counting on it. I just joined a group called “Single Mothers by Choice” (you can google it) for support and information as I’m planning. I think it’d be wonderful to find a good friend who was willing to part with his sperm but I haven’t found a good candidate. I thought I had and then I saw a very jerky side of him and said nevermind. I’m looking at the sperm bank route currently. Being a single mother will be hard but also very doable and rewarding in my opinion.
I personally wouldn’t have an issue and would feel privileged being considered. However, my significant other would have to be consulted and would have the final say.
And there’s a lot of other issues to think about when receiving a donation from someone you know. Do they want a relationship with the child? What if they eventually want full custody? What if the child wants a relationship? I’m guessing there would have to be some contracts or documents that would need to be signed.
Personally, I would want a relationship with the child, but the baby mama may not want to. Things that make you go hmmmmm on a Monday morning.
It is an interesting question indeed. I think it would be completely flattering, but in the end, I would probably say ‘no’ to such a request from anyone. I don’t really want kids, ever, and a part of me would want to be involved in the child’s upbringing. I don’t know why, but I just think that some sense of duty or some other bullshit would come into play. I’m also a weirdo in that I don’t want kids, so my 2 cents should be taken with a grain of salt. I have never given sperm to a donor center as even the idea of a little dug running around out there somewhere makes my skin crawl just a little.
Speaking from someone who is 37 and will forced to be sans ovaries soon, I have been thinking about this very subject in earnest. I have some wonderful male friends that I would consider excellent candidates for ah hem, donation. However, I would NEVER think it was cool to have a baby using their er, donation. Because of exactly what Joe and Dug say. I would be afraid of what kind of involvement they would want and consciously or subconsciously, what I would expect. Even if I would say I didn’t expect or want anything from them, I think I would. I think an anonymous donor has much more appeal, but even then, that gives me the heebs, because they could say anything and make up anything. They could be a serial killer or pedophile that just need a few extra bucks. The fertility counselors keep stressing adoption as an option (at any age) but I think if I am going to go through the trouble of having a child, I would really want it to be a part of me. So much to think about. We should get coffee and discuss.
Amy and Melinda,
As someone who has gone the anonymous donor route, I personally think it is a better way to go.
It completely erases the difficult question of the donor wanting to be involved, but it also gives you options you wouldn’t have otherwise. Donor health histories are very detailed and include multiple generations of family health history. You can get as much or as little information as you want to know. And you can even choose donors who agree to be contacted by the child when they are 18 and might want to know more about it.
Just something to think about.
Here’s a solution:
3 donors, martini shaker, and turkey baster. Fastest swimmer wins and no one knows the winner. Unless of course you pick a white guy, black guy and asian guy. That would be a giveaway.
Great, great, great, amazing comments today. Thanks, y’all! Lots to think about. Especially the jizz cocktail. That’s a good one, Joe.
The title of this entry made me laugh. Thanks Amy.
Once upon a time, I dated a fella who had been a sperm donor. I found him athletic, kind, attractive and well … generous. I did think he would be a great dad someday for someone’s kid. He volunteered for Big Brothers and Sisters and had a well trained dog. Good taste in restaurants and neat hobbies.
Did he think he was the shit? Yeah, on some level he did. He thought that he had some pretty great genes, and admitted it. He was certainly not hard up for cash – pun not originally intended. And he voted Republican, so maybe he was hoping to populate the place with little Republicans or libertarians…
But the point is, he was/is a good guy, and because of him, I am certain that good guys are donors, not just broke guys.
Don’t forget your Great-Aunt Rebecca married a widower with two kids when she was 38 and then had three wonderful kids of her own without any problems whatsoever…
Ha! Thanks, Courtney E.
Mary! I didn’t think about the fact that my donated sperm might be Republican sperm! Yack.
Mom, what took her so long? And what’s taking me so long? Wah. Boo-hoo. Poor me.
I personally wouldn’t touch it with a 10-foot pole (no desire for the moral obligations of parenting sans any rights or authority). Have you thought about what explanation you’ll give when the kid gets older and asks why the father has never really been in the picture?
Why not just go ahead and freeze your eggs? I haven’t researched the economics of it all, but it’s hard to fall in love when the biological clock continues to tick like a hand grenade. And even supposing that Mr. Right alights from heaven in the near future, I would think it’s better to use frozen eggs from now than follow nature’s course in 2-5 years. Even if conception is successful, chromosomal abnormalities and other complications go up exponentially every year after 35. And worst case scenario, finding a donor would remain on the table indefinitely.
I simply wouldn’t have a problem with this.
Phil Bost, I just adore you. Like a Bost.
If you want to borrow a bunch of money, do you go to a friend or to the bank? Probably the bank cause it’s too weird and complicated and emotional to owe someone money. I think sperm might kind of work the same way.
I was the first “anonymous” responder, realized I don’t care if I give my name.
I take some offense to the idea of becoming a single mother being the “worst case scenario.” Frankly there is a dearth of potential good partners out there, I want to be a mother, and I will be an excellent (not perfect of course) mom. From my research the donors are pretty strictly screened so they don’t just let bums walk in and give their stuff. And clearly they are fine with it so I see no dilemma.
I have thought about what I will say to my kid when he/she asks about dad. There is tons of support and information out there actually and it has been handled before. I’d say that I wanted him/her very badly and was sad because I hadn’t met a daddy. So a nice man out there gave me some seed to put in my tummy so that I could have you and love you.
I also would pick a donor who was open to contact when the kid turned 18 and put them on a sibling registry so they can know their biological family if they choose. Knowing where you come from is important.
Providing a loving home when I have the emotional and financial ability to do so to my child is most important. There is an amazing amount of diversity in families out there and having a traditional 2 parent household does not correlate with a more adjusted child.
I know it will be hard to do it alone but family is not just a husband. I have my mother and close friends who are my family and fully support my decision.
My only advice – do what feels right for you Amy. It will be different for each of us and you may find the perfect guy friend who is good with it. Or not and a donor feels more comfortable. Good luck!
Thanks for that perspective. I would personally dread that conversation because of the tremendous fear that children and adolescents lack the emotional and intellectual maturity to interpret that knowledge as well as we would hope. Specifically, I would worry that it would foster one or more of the following impressions:
1. Mom conceived me the artificial way because she couldn’t go through the process in the traditional fashion, though this would have been preferred.
2. This is a sign that Mom was not really meant to be a parent.
3. Technology enabled me to be created in circumstances that were ordinarily inhospitable.
4. My existence is more a product of Mom’s selfish desire and tunnel vision to become a parent than whether the situation was really right for me.
5. (Whatever doubts and concerns stem from not having a traditional father).
I know a lot of that sounds silly, and I’m not endorsing it as it relates to you or anyone else considering the process. But it’s heavily jaundiced by my own background. My parents divorced when I was a young teenager. I hated myself then, and I was looking for a reason to hate them too, and that dogma made perfect sense in its sophomoric, pseudo-intellectual appeal. It took me a long time to deconstruct that perspective and stop hating my parents.
Every parent-child relationship is different, and I don’t expect that experiences like mine are particularly common. Ultimately, children of single parents who are mature and generally responsible people probably do better than the vast majority of kids out there, so I would concur with the advice of doing what feels right. I just think that parenting is pretty brutal enough already without having to worry about having your legitimacy as a parent impugned (rightly or wrongly) because the role was actualized in a non-traditional fashion.
I hear your perspective however it is clearly tainted by your own baggage and desire to be inflammatory and stir the pot. Best of luck to you in resolving your attachment issues from childhood.
This world would be a sad and stagnant place if we all waited to have our choices “legitimized” by society first.
Legitimacy from society isn’t really that important, in my opinion. I meant legitimacy more in regards to how the child perceives the relationship with the parent(s). As kids get older, it almost invariably gets challenged. I just see those challenges as potentially being much more onerous in non-traditional parenting, which could negate a lot of the fulfillment you’d expect. It’s worth considering when making such a momentous personal decision.
All kids want is a safe and loving environment. Whether it’s by a mom and dad, mom and mom, dad and dad, dad or just mom. If you’re able to emotionally care and love something besides yourself, you should be able to raise a child. You’ll never be financially ready to have a child, but you should be able to provide love, lots and lots of love.
A lot of kids feel like their parents were somehow inadequate or that their conception wasn’t ideal. At least a kid who is conceived through sperm donation knows that he/she was wanted and planned for. That means a lot.
As far as a mom going “through the process in the traditional fashion” as the ideal…well, let’s be realistic. The “traditional fashion” of getting pregnant is often people getting drunk, getting freaky and realizing a few weeks later that they are knocked up and forever tied to someone they barely know.
I think most women who are considering going at it alone through sperm donation are thinking of what’s best for the child. They could go to a bar and be less than truthful about their intentions, get knocked up and have an awkward relationship with someone who likely never intended to father a child or support the mother in any way.
But they choose to search for someone who will likely provide a healthy set of genes for their offspring.
At least with sperm donation there are clear expectations.