I don’t know shit about makeup. My daily face ritual is
and…
Actually, no ‘and’. That’s it: Bonne Bell Dr. Pepper LipSmacker chapstick.
On school picture day, I’ll powder my T-zone because otherwise it looks like you could wax a car with my forehead. And about two or three times a month, on a weekend night when shit gets crazy, my tube of Great Lash gets busted out.
But some of the bitches I run with, they know makeup. I kept badgering them to teach me, and — squeaky wheel/grease — they got me a gift card to Sephora for my birthday and took me on a field trip to spend it!
It was so fun! And informative! I mean, I still don’t really get it. One of them would pick up a cask of green eye shadow and rub it on the inside of my arm. The inside of my arm. How does? — Anyway, they’d all lean in, and say in concert, “Oh, no.”
I’d squint at it and say, “No? Not good?”
They’d say, “No, not good.”
Then another of them would slather a different product on my inner forearm — one that looked to me exactly the same as the first — and they’d go, “Oooooooh. Yeah.”
And I’d go, “Yeah?”
And they’d go, “Yeah.”
And then they would teach me how to apply the stuff.
Anyhow, last week, at age 37, I bought my first-ever eye liner (a purple one by Dior that cost thirty dollars — what?!) and my first-ever rouge — wait, they don’t call it that, do they? — blush (Dabby dabby dabby on your cheek, aaaaaaand make a C around your eye… that’s what I remember from what they taught me anyway).
They told me to buy cheapo mascara — done — because I have good lashes already, and Kate M. tried to get me to throw out my powder compact and get a new one. She was like, “How old is it? More than six months?”
And I said, “Sure. It’s probably two or three years old, but I’ve only used it, like, eight times.”
She was all, “Older than six months! Throw it out! Bacteria! Breakouts! Disease and putrescence! Your face will rot off!” She didn’t really say all that, but she was quite emphatic. I wrested it from her talons and shoved it back in my purse.
(If I die of meningitis of the face, Kate, you can say I told you so.)
Anyway, I should’ve taken a Before picture. Alas, I didn’t think to. However, here’s an After shot (of me making a face like a total goober!).
Thanks, Kate, Mayg, Shiv, and Hammer! I love you guys!
Just remember, you my friend, don’t *need* make-up but it sure is fun!
xo
That’s a hearty schmear of schmutz on your punim, young lady. Oygevalt!
Granted I was using Urban Dictionary to translate your comment, but I don’t think you like my painted face!
Shiv and Hammer?
Thorin Oakenshield?
What’s going on here?
All my friends are Tolkein characters. They’re very good with makeup.
Run this one by your friend Kate M.: I worked as an intern at a magazine in New York in 1996. The fashion editor would get all this free, really expensive (so they told me) makeup. She let the interns go through it when she was done and pick what they wanted. I got this lipliner/lipstick thingee. I still have it. And I still use it once in a blue moon when I put makeup on. 1996, baby.
Your lipstick can get its driver’s license. Rawk.
I love this post because it coincides with my born again makeup userness. I’ve started to actually put makeup on again and even think about how using different colors might change my look(!) And I’ve even started using lipstick (when I remember) and don’t feel bad spending an ass-load of money on a tube of gloss. It all started when I got sucked into this youtube video of this girl opening presents. People from all over the world sent her gifts and she (and her husband) would open them up in front of the camera. She had thousands of subscribers. “How is this?” I wondered. Well, come to find out she had other videos too just of whatever the hell she was doing that day. All the ones where she talked about makeup just had a shit ton of views. I watched them and was fascinated at just how much she knew about makeup. And, she also looked gorgeous. And, I don’t know it just made me want to embrace my inner girlie girl. And now, in the morning, I make an attempt to put on my face.
That was a long reply.
Also, I have and use makeup that is several years old. And don’t even ask me how often the brushes get cleaned.
As an ex-Mary Kay Sales Director, I’m happy to say I don’t use make up anymore, but I DO still use the skin care part….mostly. It was fun while it lasted, but I also got alergic to it all, so you see, the decision was made for me! I don’t miss the routine. But I WILL say, that you really can give yourself nasty infections especially with old eye products.