Wow. Context. Context is everything, isn’t it? See, because if you know me, you knew that my “Guidelines for Dealing with Fat CrossFitters” post wasn’t about not wanting people to cheer for me during WODs; it wasn’t about other people at all—certainly not about guidelines for dealing with fat CrossFitters. It was about my ridiculous insecurities.
So, some of you are asking yourselves, why did she title it such? Why did she frame it that way? Well, here’s a rewrite of that post:
Times I Get Insecure at CrossFit
1. When I’m running because I’m slow.
2. When I’m last during WODs.
3. When pictures of me working out get posted online.
4. When people lie and say I look skinny.
There is absolutely nothing funny or provocative about that version. Many of you told me you found the first draft funny, and it was definitely provocative. How do I know?
I usually get about 80 visits on days that I post, 30 or so on days I don’t.
Yep. One thousand, five hundred eighty visits.
More than 1,400 of those visits were referred by the CrossFit mainsite, who linked to my post on Thursday. And hey, yay! Of course I want people to read my stuff. But really? It was posted with another link, one published by an actual CrossFit franchise, with the question:
“These are two blogposts with strong opinions… Do you take a strong stance in your posts? Or do you try to stay neutral and not risk offending members or potential members?”
OK, valid question for somebody running a CrossFit gym, but for my blog? What the hell do I care about staying neutral? And besides, what stance? I was not actually arguing that these are policies that CrossFit gyms should adopt. Even when I post about CrossFit, my blog is not about CrossFit; it’s about me. “Guidelines for Dealing with Fat CrossFitters” was not about CrossFit; it was about me.
Some of you are going, “Hmph!, that’s kind of narcissistic of you,” and you’re 100% right. (But if you’re one of those people who got offended or angered by the post, guess what: you made the post about you… Hmph!, that’s kind of narcissistic of you. Ha ha!) One of these days I’ll learn how to write about other things, but right now I’m, as they say, writing what I know.
Anyway, do I wish that no one could ever see me run? Yes, I do. But I know people cheer because they want to be supportive.
Am I embarrassed when three people are watching within a five-foot radius as I finish the WOD? Yes, I am. But I get that they believe they’re being motivational.
Do I hate it when people post photos on Facebook and it turns out I look less like Annie Sakamoto and more like
Sure. But I know how to cyber-scream at them until they delete the most embarrassing ones. (I did that to Coach Dave just the other day: “What the HELL, Dave? Do you WANT me to have low self-esteem?” And he’s a shweetie and took them down.)
Do I wish people would not comment on whatever their perception of my weight is? Mos def. But I get it; our society says it’s OK to do that.
Despite all that, do I love CrossFit, in particular my CrossFit and the athletes and coaches there? Damn right.
The most remarkable thing about this whole deal is how little my feelings have gotten hurt. Ninety-nine percent of the people who condemned the post and me, they don’t know me, so big deal. The only hurty spot was that one of my coaches fell into the condemnation category, but I just had to readjust my perception of our relationship. A person I’m very close to called me early in the week and the first thing she said was, “Whoa. [That coach] really doesn’t get you, does she?” And I had to admit, no, she didn’t. Not in this case. But that’s OK. She’s still an incredible coach and a totally fun gal to hang out with. She gets me other times. We’re still friends. It’s not all about people getting me. It’s not even about me.
Except on this blog, where it is.
It’s all about me.
[ADDENDUM: The coach’s totally valid points are (1) I don’t get her either because, while I see how someone might not like the post, I’m still confused about how a person could have been offended by it (we’re going to talk about it), and (2) when I tell stories about myself that involve other people—even when they’re not named—the blog becomes not just about me, but about them too. I didn’t think about it that way.]
I used to run with a really fit group of women. They were RUNNERS!. The long lean legged type. I’m not that. I was last in every single training run. I spent hours watching the asses of these various women until they were so far ahead of me I couldn’t see them anymore. I ended up making jokes about it. I was sort of the Falstaff of the group. But I learned that I could withstand pain better than I ever knew. Our coach was a 96 middle distance Olympian. She couldn’t figure out why my race times didn’t improve over my training times. Well it was because I was training like I was racing. Working that hard. I’m pretty sure those fast, long legged women didn’t spend a great deal of time thinking about me back in the pack but that coach did. She KNEW I was working my substantial ass off back there and she celebrated my efforts. No one can take pain better than Kate. A compliment I cherish to this day. She got me.
I want you to know that somehow you have hit a nerve. You are speaking a truth that makes people squirm. But that’s good Amy. If we don’t tell the truth, what’s the point? What are we here for anyway?
I admire you as both a writer and an athlete. You don’t hide.
Amester, just a quick reminder from someone who loves you and your blog –
(Roll Good Will Hunting Scene with Robin Williams and Matt Damon)
You never ever have to apologize to anyone that it is your blog about you. You never have to apologize to anyone that it is YOUR BLOG about you. You never have to apologize to anyone that it is your blog ABOUT YOU.
(Fade to black, accept Academy Award).
Your readers may have have preferences (I like it when Kate talks about fit women runners, for instance) and you should by all means choose which of those preferences to respect or not, but you have no commitment to anything any of your readers may think or feel about how you should craft your blog.
This is about finding your voice, no? You won’t find it under a pile of email responses from your readers/critics. We don’t own you. (Though if a rental arrangement might be considered…)
Finding my voice! Yay! Yes! (No rentals. Purchase only.)
I saw your blog because of crossfit. I have gone back and read of some of your posts when you were teaching (maybe you still teach; don’t know). I just want you to know I don’t care what you look like; I enjoy reading your posts. I have found them, funny, sad, entertaining, amusing, etc… I just hope you keep writing.
PS My fat a$$ is running a Thanksgiving 5k, and I may be DFL. Oh well, I will enjoy the view.
Thanks, Alan! I do still teach, except it’s now sixth grade language arts. Makin’ ’em read and write! Good luck in the 5k. If Aesop taught us anything, it’s “Slow and steady wins the race”.