Guidelines for Dealing with Fat CrossFitters

[UPDATE: Read the post. Not the commentary in your head about the post. The actual post. Then read this. THEN, if you still feel like it, go ahead and comment. Some o’ yous are saying that I’m saying shit that I’m not actually saying.]

I am a fat CrossFitter. And I love it. Not the being fat. The CrossFitting. I love that I can clean and jerk 113 pounds and deadlift 213. I love that when I started, I was doing black-band (a.k.a. Johnny Jump-up) pull-ups, and now I use the blue. I love that I do nothing but bona fide push-ups. I love that I can hold a handstand against a wall for over a minute and a freestanding one for a couple seconds. I love CrossFit.

And I love you, my coaches and fellow athletes. Probably 94% of the reason I go is because I get to hang out with y’all.

But there’s some etiquette that I think is lacking in the community in general. It’s OK—don’t blame yourself—you didn’t know. I didn’t know not to drop an empty bar until somebody told me.

So here are some suggestions. And I think I speak for many fat CrossFitters.

1. RUNNING

See how I’m running half as fast as everybody else? Yeah, that’s actually my dead sprint. You’re thinking, “No…that can’t possibly…” Yep. It’s true. I’m pushing myself as hard as I possibly can.

Coaches, have some technical critique? Good. Say it. Keep it brief. Make it simple. And don’t give me more than one to think about. Just one. Remember, I’m about to die here.

Fellow athletes, think you need to cheer me on? If you really need to for you, go ahead. But if you don’t, that means I can pretend that nobody sees exactly how slow I am.

2. WODs

Notice how everybody’s finished with the WOD, and I still have an entire round left? At this point, in case you were wondering, I’m terribly, terribly embarrassed. As many times as this has happened, and it’s a lot, I still feel like hiding under a pile of ab-mats.

Do you feel like you need to run with me? Do kettlebell swings with me? Count for me? That’s so sweet. You don’t. Do you feel the urge to do solidarity burpees until I call time? That might accomplish the opposite of what you were intending. On top of my shame, you’ve just piled jealousy (fantastic—look how much fitter she is than I am) and/or guilt (oh shit, dude’s gonna have to do over two hundred burpees).

And imagine you decide to swing a kettlebell with me, the coach chooses that moment to watch and give pointers, and a third party is just staring and cheering. Three people studying my slow ass. That’s a good combo to make me spiral into a Cyclone of Despair.

Here’s what you do. You sit or stand far away. Across the gym. You pretend to talk to someone else. Once, just once, you look over and yell, “You got it, [fat CrossFitter]!” which makes you feel supportive and me watched, but not too much.

3. PHOTOS

Those photos you took of me working out? Restrain yourself from uploading them to Facebook. I’ll write my name and shitty time on the board. I’ll fess up to a measly 2-pound PR in the comments on your website. But despite all evidence to the contrary, I like to maintain a fantasy that I’m a badass when I work out. Your public photos show me how delusional I am and the internet exactly how many chins I have.

4. COMMENTS

Comment on my push press PR. Chat me up about my good back squat form. But please don’t tell me I’m looking skinny. We both know that’s a lie, so it just makes things awkward.

That’s it. Follow these guidelines, and fat CrossFitters everywhere will think you’re a sensitive, supportive, all-around-awesome person.

[UPDATE: Before you comment, please read this.]

[UPDATE: Also, follow-up post.]

If you want all kinds of funny stories and posts:
Like Avid Bruxist on Facebook here.
Follow me on Twitter here.

If you JUST want the CrossFit stuff:
Follow Fat CrossFitter on Instagram here.
Like me on Facebook here.
Follow me on Twitter here.

If you want to hear about how I got knocked up with twins by a vial of sperm:
Like Baby Happy Pants on Facebook here.
Follow me on Twitter here.

382 thoughts on “Guidelines for Dealing with Fat CrossFitters”

  6. Hi! I know this is kind of off topic but I was wondering if you knew where I could get a captcha plugin for my comment form? I’m using the same blog platform as yours and I’m having trouble finding one? Thanks a lot!

    Reply

  11. Good day! I know this is kinda off topic however I’d figured I’d ask. Would you be interested in exchanging links or maybe guest authoring a blog post or vice-versa? My website addresses a lot of the same topics as yours and I feel we could greatly benefit from each other. If you might be interested feel free to send me an e-mail. I look forward to hearing from you! Wonderful blog by the way!

    Reply

  13. My coder is trying to convince me to move to .net from PHP. I have always disliked the idea because of the expenses. But he’s tryiong none the less. I’ve been using WordPress on a number of websites for about a year and am concerned about switching to another platform. I have heard very good things about blogengine.net. Is there a way I can import all my wordpress content into it? Any kind of help would be greatly appreciated!

    Reply

  22. This is the fitting blog for anyone who needs to seek out out about this topic. You understand so much its almost hard to argue with you (not that I truly would need…HaHa). You definitely put a brand new spin on a subject thats been written about for years. Nice stuff, simply nice!

    Reply

  24. My spouse and I absolutely love your blog and find a lot of your post’s to be just what I’m looking for.Would you offer guest writers to write content for yourself?I wouldn’t mind creating a post or elaborating on most of the subjects you write concerning here.Again, awesome weblog!

    Reply

  27. However, researchers report that most Americans prefer a portion of their salary to be deducted every month as an alternative to setting up a savings account as it is rather convenient, as compared to having to set aside money at the end of the month.

    Reply

  32. certainly like your web site but you have to check the spelling on several of your posts. Many of them are rife with spelling issues and I to find it very troublesome to inform the truth nevertheless I will surely come back again.

    Reply

  36. Hi! I could have sworn I’ve visited this website before but after browsing through a few of the articles I realized it’s new to me. Regardless, I’m certainly pleased I stumbled upon it and I’ll be bookmarking it and checking back often.

    Reply

  37. Best interracial onlyfans and top onlyfans interracial girls 2023
    thtps://passwoed.alypics.com/?tiffany-reilly

    tto porn videos porn star madison stone mpeg secrets porn russian porn porn oldies porn

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *