Subconscious Seeks Ogre

I’ve never understood sex dreams. I remember waking up from the first one I had in high school, horrified, because my sexual partner in the dream wasn’t the captain of the basketball team; it wasn’t Robbie, who played trumpet with me in the jazz band and wasn’t afraid to take improv solos and left notes in my locker; it wasn’t even the principal, which could’ve provided for a naughty authority dynamic.

No, it was the sophomore who wore nothing but

these
and these

and a big chain going from his black jeans with the 52″ waist to his empty wallet.

He wasn’t completely a Hobbit, but maybe halfsies, you know? His head was gargantuan. Tiny hands,

fingers like these.

With rhotacism. That’s an l and r to w speech impediment.

Think

this guy.

I remember being enraged at my own subconscious and walking gingerly into school the next day, petrified that, in a moment of trauma-induced Tourette’s, I might blurt it out in the cafeteria and be ridiculed for the rest of my life.

And though I don’t have sex dreams too often, today I woke up shuddering after having dream-sex with a student’s dad. And no, not the hilarious web designer or the charismatic surgeon with beautiful eyes…instead, the paunchy, awkward one with the mid-western accent (yech), whose residence (I remember from the home visit) looks like his garbage can and clothes dryer simultaneously exploded all over the house. It wasn’t even shame-ridden, back-alley sex; there were witnesses.

What is wrong with me?

Please tell me I’m not alone.

Customer Service

Amy_(Sat Nov 20 2010 16:40:43 GMT-0500 (EST))>

i'm still getting e-statements from my old account.


Donald(Sat Nov 20 2010 16:40:45 GMT-0500 (EST))>

To ensure I am speaking with the decision maker, 
I will need to verify your last four digits of your social security number 
in order to release any information in regards to your account.


Amy_(Sat Nov 20 2010 16:40:52 GMT-0500 (EST))>

----


Amy_(Sat Nov 20 2010 16:41:14 GMT-0500 (EST))>

i just don't want to get e-statements saying i owe $0 for my old address anymore.


Amy_(Sat Nov 20 2010 16:41:18 GMT-0500 (EST))>

how do i cut them off?


Donald(Sat Nov 20 2010 16:41:42 GMT-0500 (EST))>

I would have to give you the number to customer service to stop those statements. 
They can be reached at 919 595 4892. 
I'm showing you have our internet only which is a good thing 
since I can offer you a great bundle at this time.


Donald(Sat Nov 20 2010 16:41:46 GMT-0500 (EST))>

Currently our best package that we are offering includes all 3 of our services: 
Digital Cable with 300 channels, free HD, free on demand access, 
free music channels for 1 TV, up to 10mbps Roadrunner high speed internet 
and Unlimited Nationwide calling with CallerID on TV, all for the new low price 
of $33/ month each.  Plus, by signing up today, you can get DVR and HBO free 
for 3 months.  How does that sound?


Amy_(Sat Nov 20 2010 16:42:12 GMT-0500 (EST))>

stop it. i don't want to be sold anything. i want CUSTOMER SERVICE!


Amy_(Sat Nov 20 2010 16:42:31 GMT-0500 (EST))>

UGH.

The Future of Meatloaf

This email, from my sister, Wa, talking about my niece and  nephew, nearly made me pee myself.

R said, as she often does, that we should open a cupcake shop.  I asked what other muffin/cupcake-shaped things we could make so we could serve lunch, too.  She and I came up with meatloaf muffins, quiche, pb&j, etc.  N, not quite getting the game, kept suggesting meatloaf in various forms:  “meatloaf pies…meatloaf Christmas trees…meatloaf roll ups!”   Later, R came running into the kitchen and waving an arm in her best Broadway “your name oughta be in lights, kid” style, said, “Mommy, I’ve got it.  It will be ‘N—‘s Meatloaf World:  The Future of Meatloaf!'”

A Dog-Shaped Space

Remember my old roommate, Dan? In April 2004, he took one look at the twin bed I was about to move into the spare bedroom of his apartment and said, “Um. No. If you don’t have room in your bed for a man, you don’t have room in your life for a man. You want a man? Go get a real bed.” I understood what he was saying. Create a metaphysical space in your life for the things you want.

Here’s the thing about that puppy I found last week. (Stay with me, these two things are related.) I feel like the man I’m going to end up with will probably be a dog person and will probably have a dog. I’m trying to leave a dog-shaped space in my house in case Mr. Wonderful and his Mastiff walk in.

Now, chances are he won’t have a Mastiff, which is good because the one I know from the dog park weighs 180 pounds. But let’s say I find a chihuahua running around the neighborhood, well, he’s only going to take up 9 pounds worth of my dog-shaped space. There would totally be room for a pit bull up in there. Or a lab, or a shepherd.

Whatever, my point is, that puppy was under 20 pounds, and he wasn’t going to grow up to be a huge dog, but he wasn’t going to grow up to be small dog, and what if he took up too much of my dog-shaped metaphysical space and Mr. Wonderful and his Rottweiler couldn’t fit?