Ask the AB: Metaphor

Reader Rachel asks:

Is being “sexual napalm” a good or a bad thing? People magazine articles on the subject are inconclusive, and I’m trying to get my new years resolutions in order.

Well, Urban Dictionary told me it’s a “sexual hold a woman has on you similar to being addicted to drugs”, and I thought I’d advise you to put it on your New Year’s Resolutions list, just above making your bed every day, because it could be very useful in terms of manipulating your husband.

But then I looked at wikipedia, which states that “napalm can cause severe burns (ranging from superficial to subdermal) to the skin and body, asphyxiation, unconsciousness, and death”. And if you do that, you’ll have, at best, a gimpy husband and, at worst, a dead husband. Both types of husbands are very hard to manipulate.

Subconscious Seeks Ogre

I’ve never understood sex dreams. I remember waking up from the first one I had in high school, horrified, because my sexual partner in the dream wasn’t the captain of the basketball team; it wasn’t Robbie, who played trumpet with me in the jazz band and wasn’t afraid to take improv solos and left notes in my locker; it wasn’t even the principal, which could’ve provided for a naughty authority dynamic.

No, it was the sophomore who wore nothing but

these
and these

and a big chain going from his black jeans with the 52″ waist to his empty wallet.

He wasn’t completely a Hobbit, but maybe halfsies, you know? His head was gargantuan. Tiny hands,

fingers like these.

With rhotacism. That’s an l and r to w speech impediment.

Think

this guy.

I remember being enraged at my own subconscious and walking gingerly into school the next day, petrified that, in a moment of trauma-induced Tourette’s, I might blurt it out in the cafeteria and be ridiculed for the rest of my life.

And though I don’t have sex dreams too often, today I woke up shuddering after having dream-sex with a student’s dad. And no, not the hilarious web designer or the charismatic surgeon with beautiful eyes…instead, the paunchy, awkward one with the mid-western accent (yech), whose residence (I remember from the home visit) looks like his garbage can and clothes dryer simultaneously exploded all over the house. It wasn’t even shame-ridden, back-alley sex; there were witnesses.

What is wrong with me?

Please tell me I’m not alone.

Customer Service

Amy_(Sat Nov 20 2010 16:40:43 GMT-0500 (EST))>

i'm still getting e-statements from my old account.


Donald(Sat Nov 20 2010 16:40:45 GMT-0500 (EST))>

To ensure I am speaking with the decision maker, 
I will need to verify your last four digits of your social security number 
in order to release any information in regards to your account.


Amy_(Sat Nov 20 2010 16:40:52 GMT-0500 (EST))>

----


Amy_(Sat Nov 20 2010 16:41:14 GMT-0500 (EST))>

i just don't want to get e-statements saying i owe $0 for my old address anymore.


Amy_(Sat Nov 20 2010 16:41:18 GMT-0500 (EST))>

how do i cut them off?


Donald(Sat Nov 20 2010 16:41:42 GMT-0500 (EST))>

I would have to give you the number to customer service to stop those statements. 
They can be reached at 919 595 4892. 
I'm showing you have our internet only which is a good thing 
since I can offer you a great bundle at this time.


Donald(Sat Nov 20 2010 16:41:46 GMT-0500 (EST))>

Currently our best package that we are offering includes all 3 of our services: 
Digital Cable with 300 channels, free HD, free on demand access, 
free music channels for 1 TV, up to 10mbps Roadrunner high speed internet 
and Unlimited Nationwide calling with CallerID on TV, all for the new low price 
of $33/ month each.  Plus, by signing up today, you can get DVR and HBO free 
for 3 months.  How does that sound?


Amy_(Sat Nov 20 2010 16:42:12 GMT-0500 (EST))>

stop it. i don't want to be sold anything. i want CUSTOMER SERVICE!


Amy_(Sat Nov 20 2010 16:42:31 GMT-0500 (EST))>

UGH.

The Future of Meatloaf

This email, from my sister, Wa, talking about my niece and  nephew, nearly made me pee myself.

R said, as she often does, that we should open a cupcake shop.  I asked what other muffin/cupcake-shaped things we could make so we could serve lunch, too.  She and I came up with meatloaf muffins, quiche, pb&j, etc.  N, not quite getting the game, kept suggesting meatloaf in various forms:  “meatloaf pies…meatloaf Christmas trees…meatloaf roll ups!”   Later, R came running into the kitchen and waving an arm in her best Broadway “your name oughta be in lights, kid” style, said, “Mommy, I’ve got it.  It will be ‘N—‘s Meatloaf World:  The Future of Meatloaf!'”