[continued from previous post]

Did I say I was done?

I did?

Did you believe it?

The Linebacker: Your entitled to your opionion….once again “excluding medical conditions” and I said ‘commonly’ associated not It was the only cause…Ive seen plenty of obese people and their obese because there freaking lazy and eat to much..I was one of them

And I was just so mad at that point.

I wanted to hurt somebody.

I stopped and closed my eyes and felt the blood pulsing in my ears.

And just over the throbbing, I could hear a little voice from inside my head. What did it say? I listened closer, and I heard it. It said:

You’re the asshole here.

That’s right. I was the asshole in this situation. I was berating TL for “making people wrong”. Really? What exactly was I doing? Arguing a point, after making sure nobody could hear anything I said because I called them all idiots.

So I emailed TL privately and used my big-girl words: I wasn’t trying to alienate you with my comments. As someone who hits the charts at the obese level, and someone who has an eating disorder, I just felt demeaned by your post.

You have every right to be proud of the progress that you’ve made.

He emailed back immediately: Amy please know that I wasnt in any way trying to be evil! I promise you Im not like that and please forgive me if I appeared that way!! I wasnt in any way talking about people like you Amy who work damn hard and take a stand in their life!! Amy I def wasnt talking about anyone who has a disorder as well I take that seriously I promise!!! I just meant lazy people…..do u want me to take the message down Amy? I promise I will if u want me to I dont want to offend someone who works as hard as you

That was sweet. Now I felt bad.

Me: No worries, TL. Sometimes I speak without taking the requisite ten deep breaths to calm myself down and realize I might be overreacting.

TL: Never apologize for speaking your mind Amy you have the right to your opinion no matter If I or anyone else agrees with it! and Im deleting the post because my goal of the post wasnt for any one to fell less than appreciated! and honestly I shouldnt have posted that anyway!

Turns out The Linebacker is a really nice dude.

So to recap for our heroine: judgmental…check, preachy…check, temper tantrum…whoa, Nelly!, and Big Life Lesson…learned.

Here it is, in case you didn’t catch it: Every so often, I need to stop and ask myself, who’s the asshole? Chances are the answer will be, I am.

I’m the asshole.

(I still don’t think TL and I are going to be besties.)

[The End]

…to manage people’s expectations.

Sorry, I didn’t realize that putting “to be continued” at the end of a post would make people all twitchy for the next installment.

Now I’ve got everybody thinking that the defensive line of TL’s college team is going to bash down my door, bare-fisted, and pummel me on the floor of my kitchen, while an illiterate grad student stands by and shouts, “Beecomn to obesed!”

Alas, I remain un-pummeled. Relax. It’s not that exciting.

(Part 4 is posted; part 5 will be tonight or tomorrow morning.)

[continued from previous post]

And yet, I couldn’t.

Listen, here it is: I’m obese because I have an eating disorder. I have since I was seven.

It’s not anorexia, clearly. It’s not bulimia. Some people call it compulsive overeating, or binge-eating disorder. I’ve heard it called generalized eating disorder. I call it food addiction.

I started out (when I was a little kid, going through some difficult shit) overeating, eating mindlessly, eating to calm feelings, to prevent feelings.

When I spent that year in Italy at age 18, and everybody over there kept telling me how fat I was, it got way worse. (What a surprise.) I started sneaking food, hiding food, just like an alcoholic might hide her alcohol, a heroin addict might conceal his stash. I began to binge-eat. Ate until I was sick. Never threw up, never used laxatives.

Just let myself hurt. Yelled at myself. Called myself names. Isolated myself.

For years.

And for years, I’ve been working on it. I don’t binge anymore. I didn’t even eat to discomfort at Thanksgiving dinner a couple weeks ago. Occasionally, I’ll let myself get too full. Probably about as often as the next guy.

But I still eat when I’m not hungry. I still eat to calm feelings, to prevent feelings. Even positive ones. They all scare me.

My nervous system has developed an automatic response to emotions. I don’t even have to feel them yet and my disordered brain sends up a flare and directs me toward food.

Quick, it says.

Danger, it says.

You’re about to be uncomfortable.

Fix it.

And this whole eating disorder business has made me terribly uncomfortable with my body. I’ll be in bed with a boyfriend, and my robe will slip open, and I’ll think, “Ick!” at the very same moment he’s saying, “Hey….” I’ll turn around and face the dressing room door when trying on clothes, just so I don’t have to look at this vessel I carry all my organs around in.

Anyway. (Jesus, this has gone on for a while, hasn’t it?) I felt the need to respond to TL’s last comment. It’s pretty clear in hindsight that his original status update touched a very tender nerve, one that gets touched all the time. Whenever I find myself pulling cabinets open, knowing my body is not asking for food. Whenever I see women’s magazines effusing about how to drop 10 pounds in two weeks!…how to make your body bikini-ready by summer!…how to get rid of cellulite! When I see totally average-looking women modeling for Lane Bryant. When a dude’s online dating profile says “No fatties”.

But I couldn’t see that then. I was just angry and raw.

Me: Ever heard of a compulsive eating disorder? It’s real. It’s not affected by willpower. It’s not solved by tough love. It’s an addiction, a psychological condition, that needs treatment. So, no, it’s not very simple.

And I’ll reiterate that calling people lazy is just a way to make yourself right and other people wrong. It doesn’t actually help solve the problem.

OK, I’m done.

[continued]