Category: Uncategorized

Not Nine Days

At 3:15am, I was driving through a deluge to Durham.  My sister and brother-in-law, looking a little shell-shocked, packed up and headed for the hospital, and I lay down on the couch.  Ah, blessed sleep.

MMMMRRRRRRROW.  That was what their old, deaf, blind cat started shouting at me about 45 minutes later and kept shouting at me until 6:15 when I heard the pitter-patter of little feet coming out of the kids’ room.  The little feet stopped short at the sight of the little feet’s parents’ room, which was empty of course.  I called out to my nephew, and he came running into the living room.

Him:  Did Mommy and Daddy have to go to a meeting?

Me:  No, honey, they had to go to the hospital because they’re going to have the baby!

Him:  That’th tho exthiting!

Me:  You wanna snuggle on the couch with me?

Him:  Yeah.

He pulled the cover over him and then yanked it right off.

Him:  Now I’m weady fow bweakfatht.

A little later….

Him (nodding):  Mommy will be home latew today.

Me:  Not today, buddy.

Him (still nodding):  But maybe tomowwow.

Me:  No, probably three or four days, buddy.

Him:  But not nine dayth.

Me:  No, not nine days.

3:00AM

Wanna know how cool I am?  Friday night, I stayed out until MIDNIGHT.  That’s right, the MIDDLE of the NIGHT.  And I’m 34!

Well, by Saturday night, I was so full of myself that I was PARTYING in RALEIGH until 3:00AM.  OK, “partying” might be too strong a word…more like standing around at a bar eating cheese fries and watching the freaks go by…but I got home at 3:00am!  Then my phone rang…?

My sister:  Hi.

Me:  HI!

My sister:  Why do you sound so awake?

Me:  Because I am awake.

My sister:  Were you already awake, or did you just wake up really fast?

Me (proudly):  I’m STILL awake because I just got home!

My sister:  Well, can you stay awake a little longer?

Me:  Sure.  Why?

My sister:  Because my water just broke.

Oh, Those Kiwis

“Flight of the Conchords” has to be the funniest show on television.  Course, I don’t have television so I can’t be trusted.  But I do have NetFlix, and out of the shows that I NetFlix, it’s definitely the funniest.

Murray:  I can’t go back there!  I’m a persona non regatta.  Do you know what that is?

Jermaine:  You’re a person who’s not at a yacht race?

Murray:  That’s right.

Batter Up

I’m going to the North Carolina State Fair tomorrow.  Yeehaw!  Course, I’ll have 30 fourth graders with me, but whatever.

Fair food boggles my ever-lovin’ mind.  Don’t get me wrong, I love me an ear of roasted corn or a funnel cake.  And I don’t love candy apples or cotton candy or giant turkey legs (does anyone else think they should sell goblets of mead and horned helmets with those?) but I understand how one might enjoy them.  What I don’t get is all the deep-fried stuff.  Yes, I know a funnel cake is fried, but it’s not food unless you fry it.  I’m talking about the stuff that’s already food (and already horrible for you all on its very own!) even before you batter it and submerge it in hot oil:  Twinkies, candy bars, cheesecake, Oreos.  With the exception of Twinkies, I like all those things, and feel pretty sick from them, pre-fry.

(Last year, the big, new thing was Deep-Fried Coca-cola.  I imagined a glistening, coated cylinder of aluminum and wondered how you’d hold the damn thing without burning your fingers, but it turns out just to be a funnel cake with Coke, rather than water, in the recipe.  Now why would you go and fuck up something as sacred and delicious as fried dough?)