Category: Uncategorized

(smiling) You’re a Jackass!

Why won’t people stop telling me I’ve lost weight? You might recall, I fucking hate it.You might recall, when they tell me I’ve lost weight, I’ve never lost weight. You might recall that I think people just remember me as a jiggly behemoth and are surprised when they see me and I’m fat but not that fat.

I’ve had three people in the last three weeks tell me I’ve lost weight. Guess what! I haven’t! And they’re so pleased with themselves, like they’re paying me a compliment.

One of my co-workers asked about my gym and said, “You look good. You look like you’re losing weight.” So what you’re saying is I should be losing weight. What you’re saying is that I didn’t look good in your mistaken memory. Thanks, bitch.

It makes me so mad. So, so mad.

I’m realizing my rage is unhealthy. So in the future, when they say, beaming, “You have lost weight!” I’m going to say, “No. Not at all. I guess you’re just not remembering since last time you saw me how ridiculously fine I am.”

Or maybe I should try, “Wow, it’s a good thing you got your hair cut—it looks so much better now!”

Other suggestions?

What’s Crazy?

I definitely had OCD tendencies when I was a kid.  For years, if the right side of my head itched and I scratched it, I also had to scratch the left side.  If my left thigh brushed against the arm of the couch as I was walking by, I would have to turn around and brush the right one.  That fixed it.  If I didn’t create a tactile mirror image, I felt off-balance.

And I can’t even actually say that, because I never didn’t fix it.  I guess I should say, if I hadn’t, I knew that I would have felt off-balance.  (I was self-conscious enough to know this behavior was weird, and I didn’t share it with anyone until a year or two ago.)

And then one day, I made a choice to stop.  Just like when I chose to like bananas because they were the only fruit you could reliably find in NYC bodegas.  Or when I decided to stop hating the guitar lick in “The Pina Colada Song” because I liked the rest of the song so much and I wanted to listen to it all the time.

Yeah, I just said to myself, “Self, this balance shit is a mite crazy.  You gotta quit it.”

Sure wish I could do that with the other aspects of my insanity.

Anybody want to share their particular brand of nuttiness?

Get Some

What is the obsession with prepositions in our language?  I remember, when I went to Italy for that year, being astounded that there was an entirely different verb for every get-plus-preposition we use in English.  Think about it:

  • get in (a car)
  • get in (a college)
  • get out (of a car)
  • get out (“Get OUT!  I don’t believe it!”)
  • get up (from bed)
  • get up (…you know)
  • get down (off a ladder)
  • get down (boogie)
  • get at (an internal organ during surgery)
  • get at (“What are you getting at?”)
  • get to (a destination)
  • get to (“She really gets to me.”)
  • get on (a plane, a train)
  • get on (one’s last nerve)
  • get off (a train)
  • get off (…what one might do after one gets up)
  • get over (a wall)
  • get over (“I’ll never get over him.”)
  • get across (a river)
  • get across (your point)
  • get behind (a blast shield)
  • get behind (a cause)
  • get between (two parked cars)
  • get between (“I don’t want my hatred of your mother to get between us.”)
  • get by (a person in a grocery aisle)
  • get by (survive on little money)
  • get through (a tunnel)
  • get through (a tough time)
  • get around (“Here we get around by Vespa.”)
  • get around (“That Amy…she gets around.”)

Got more?

Viva Anita

I did a quick count yesterday, and I’m pretty sure I have

twenty-

one

readers.

Twenty-one is a legion, right?  I’m pretty sure twenty-one is a legion.

Anyhow, I’m completely tapped tonight, dear legion.  So I offer up a topic for the comments section:

Anita Baker vs. Anita Bryant

Discuss.

The Definition of Insanity

  • The condition of being insane, a derangement of the mind
  • Law Such unsoundness of mind as affects legal responsibility or capacity
  • Psychiatry (formerly) Psychosis
  • Extreme folly; senselessness; foolhardiness

I’ve heard it a eleventy billion times:  “Isn’t that the definition of insanity?  Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result?”

Just so we’re clear, No.  Not the definition of insanity.  If I want to do the same thing over and over and expect a different result, that might mean I’m persistent, or insistent, or hopeful, or maybe even dumb.  But I’m not insane.