Category: Random

What’s the opposite of a nonstick pan?

A non-nonstick pan?

A stick pan?

Whatever it is, that’s what I’ve got.

Hey, North Carolina, in particular the Triangle, I love you too! Buxton, I don’t know who you are, but thanks for stopping by. Go ‘head and set a spell.

You’re second on my list, New Jersey.  And by ‘New Jersey’, I mean ‘Dan’. Hi, Dan. Love you.

You know, Cartersville, Georgia, I appreciate your 30 visits, but your 22 seconds per visit is making my bounce rate look foul. Don’t make me cut you.

New York, what? I can’t get no love from upstate?

Lovin’ the look of that big orange dot over Lexington, Virginia.

The only sugar I’m getting from Massachusetts is Sandwich.  Thank you, Dad. No thank you, everybody else I know in Massachusetts.

Springfield, Illinois, you don’t come around much, but your nearly-three-minute-long stay and your 6.75-pageviews-per is making me feel you.  Let’s see if we can make this work.

Same goes for you, Knoxville.

Austin, you think you can just hit it and quit it? Sixteen seconds is all you want from me.  Yeah, well, I don’t need you either. Go on, get out of here!…(Wait, come back. I’ll be good.)

OK, central North Carolina! Two questions:

1. What are the trees with the white flowers that are blooming right now?  Not the dogwoods, the other ones.

2. Considering that they smell like pee, why don’t we cut them all down?

I’m confused by the nutrition facts on the Girl Scout cookie boxes.  They all say that one serving is two cookies, when a serving of Girl Scout cookies is clearly five cookies, except for Thin Mints, in which case a serving is one sleeve.

Yesterday, my sister and I were walking around the park near my house.  She had her three young’ns, I my two hounds.  The ground was really slushy, but for the first time in days, the sun shone in the sky, and I felt comfortable walking in my yoga pants and hoodie.  A few folks had the same idea as we did:  kids scampered up and down the play structure and squealed; a woman speed-walked on the paved loop; and three skateboarding high-schoolers stood yakking in front of the water fountains.

I was only somewhat aware of the teens, until I was loading the dogs up into the back of my car.  I had my back to them when I heard one of them say, “Look at that FAT ass.”  I turned to see him staring at me, smiling, with bright eyes.  Another of the boys took off on his skateboard, yelling, “My DICK wants to be in THAT.”

So here’s what I did.  I shook my head, gave them a withering look, and said, “Pathetic.”

Wait, no.  I walked over and excoriated them with Shakespearean insults.

No, no.  That’s not it.  I beckoned sexily to the first speaker, only to knee him in the balls, grab him by the hair, and smash his skull against the picnic table.

Oh, wait.  No, I remember.  I didn’t say a thing, maneuvered my body around my car such that I was out of their line of sight, went home, and binge ate.  That’s right.  That’s what I did.

Another word about prepositions, because I know that’s what really drives the traffic to my site:

Why do we Americans insist on adding one where there needs be none?  I mean, I understand a preposition’s use with verbs like get, make, or take.  But it baffles me when people say things like, “Let’s reflect back on our week.”  Doesn’t reflect already mean ‘look back’?  Can’t you just say, “Let’s reflect on our week”?

Same with refer.  Just refer.  Don’t ‘refer back’.

Or another one, ‘continue on’.  How else would you continue but on?