Author: avidbruxist

Amy’s Fashion (Mis)Adventures: Golden Girls on the Lanai

Your fashion-challenged Avid Bruxist, she is back with more (mis)adventures! (If you want to read previous Stitch Fix/fashion posts, scroll to the bottom and click the Fayshun tag.)

For those just joining us, the way this works is: Stitch Fix sends me a package, and I try on the items and text my amateur impressions to my superfave Kate, who responds with her expert opinions.

Kate has an eye for fashion/lewks. First, she watches RuPaul’s Drag Race like all the time, except she calls it RuPaul’s Dreg Race because you can take the girl out of the Midwest, but you can’t take the flat vowels out of the girl.

Second, she likes it, and I’m not saying I don’t, but I’m all product and no process. I feel about fashion the way I feel about food. I like eating but not cooking. I like wearing cute clothes but not shopping/trying on/selecting. If that sounds to you like I just like results without putting any work, then you are very good at reading comprehension.

That being said, my sartorial acumen has improved over the last few years to the point where I at least know if something is a slam dunk, like this:

Adorne Scarlet Scuba Knit Dress $118

By “seeming detail,” she meant “seaming detail,” and by “the ladies,” she meant “your boobs.” So even though $118 is a lotta clams, I had to keep this one.

I did not have to keep the next one.

Gilli Deja Faux Wrap Skirt $48

It was a couple inches too long, and as Kate said, the pattern was “VV Golden Girls on the lanai.”

I’d say one piece out of every Stitch Fix is the emperor’s new clothes–an item they’re pretending is something but it’s really nothing, like this t-shirt. It had a seam detail straight down the back, but otherwise it was just a t-shirt.

Z Supply Atwell Linen Blend Knit Top $34

Have I mentioned that Kate is a giant nerd? Anyway, I can get t-shirts at Target for like $8 and in better colors.

Friends, how do we feel about white blouses? I feel good about the idea of a white blouse, and I have at least one in my closet, but I can count on zero hands the number of times I’ve worn a white blouse in the last five years. I can tell you though–if I were going to wear a white blouse, it wouldn’t be this one:

ID: 23 Stari Linen Blend Henley Top $48

I got an A+ from Kate on my assessment.

Have I mentioned that Kate occasionally skateboards in work clothes with her pet raccoon?

As you may have noticed, accessories from Stitch Fix have been hit or juuuuuust a bit outside.

Remember last Fix’s baroque BDSM necklace? So I was apprehensive to open the box this time, but I was pleasantly surprised.

Bancroft Kansas Drop Earrings $28

So I tried them on for her. Please excuse my hair. I… I don’t wash it.

I mean I wash it.

I wash it sometimes.

Kate said the earrings were cute and also my face. I mean my face was also cute, not the earrings were also my face.

Hey, if you want to try Stitch Fix for yourself, please use this link. They’ll give me a $25 credit, and I’ll keep writing these silly blogs.

______________________

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Amy’s Fashion (Mis)Adventures: The Birds & the Bees

Your fashion-challenged Avid Bruxist, she is back with another Fix! (If you want to read previous Stitch Fix/fashion posts, scroll to the bottom and click the Fayshun tag.) As always, Kate will play the role of consigliere.

Get excited! This is a double post because I can’t keep up with shit while working and parenting and mowing the gotdamn lawn.

Guess what Stitch Fix did! They put a bird on it! Again! And I am here for it. I’d be happy if my closet were a straight-up apiary.

Wait, googling.

No, I meant aviary.

Though if they sent me a bumblebee print shirt next time, I would keep that shit.

Mix by 41 Hawthorn Ellie Printed 3/4 Sleeve $48

Keep this part about the statement necklace in mind, reader. This is what English teachers call foreshadowing.

Next, we had some white jeans.

Kut from the Kloth Judy Distressed Capri $88

My concerns were twofold. Length and color. I didn’t know what the right length is, but I felt like it was not whatever length this was. Kate confirmed my suspicions.

(For the record, not obvs.)

(Also for the record, Y THEY NOT LISSEN TO ME ABOUT DISTRESSED SHIT. NO WANT.)

Myriad problems with the next piece.

WEST KEI Allan Crossfront Blouse $38

Kate’s response was: Oh Nooooooooo! You know I’ll always welcome a show of your ladies… But that garment wounds me. That print is 90s working woman realness, usually found on a dress worn with socks and white sneaks for the commute. And why are there so many open holes and ties?! Why?!

It’s a mystery.

I wasn’t sure about this dress, especially because it would require a strapless bra, and the people who make strapless bras, much like the people who make shapewear, are sadists, but Kate was into it.

Wisp Cyndie Jersey Dress $68

Most of the jewelry Stitch Fix has sent me is either garbage or ugly or both (more foreshadowing!), but I loved these earrings.

Bay to Baubles Elan Filigree Drop Earrings $28

Now, let’s move on to the second Fix, which was a total bust. First one in a long time–maybe ever–that I sent all five pieces back.

(Note: For every Fix, you pay a $20 styling fee, which is subtracting from your total if you keep any items. So if you don’t buy anything, it’s like throwing twenty bucks out the window. But you can instead commit to a whole year of styling–as many Fixes as you want– for $49, which I did a couple months ago. Ergo, I didn’t lose any money sending everything back this time.)

Liked the first thing fine, but.

Skies are Blue Airika woven lace front knit top $48(!)

Kate agreed that the price was nuts.

You know that scene in The Devil Wears Prada when Meryl Streep excoriates Anne Hathaway because she scoffs at the choice between two belts which look exactly the same to her? I definitely am Anne Hathaway-level ignorant about fashion, but I’m getting a very slow, very limited education during this whole process. I’m learning things. Like the difference between denim and chambray.

[Typo: still = silk]

ID: 23 Hayford one pocket chambray top $46

Kate has on more than one occasion warned me off boob pockets, so I knew that would be an issue, but she also said the sleeves were too short. Noted.

Market & Spruce Meg knit dress $58

I know there are women who can wear skirts and dresses without something running interference between their thighs. I just wonder what that life is like. Seems amazing.

Speaking of thighs, I’m really, really trying to get to a place of, if not body positivity, at least body neutrality. I’m trying to reject social constructs of beauty and unrealistic societal body standards.

I’m just not there yet.

Lila Ryan Susannah short $68

In addition, you could see the pocket outline which means these size 16 shorts were too small. I’m trying not to be sad about that. Being a human woman is hard.

Anyway, let’s get back to the statement necklace. I told my stylist I wanted a chunky beaded necklace to go with the bird blouse. I was thinking something like this

but maybe in aqua or pink.

What I got was this:

Bay to Baubles Ani floral statement necklace $42

As I’ve mentioned before, I don’t know what my personal style is, but I know what it’s not–this hideous thing. I would pay $42 if the company would promise never to manufacture another one.

Hey, if you want to try Stitch Fix for yourself, please use this link. They’ll give me a $25 credit, and I’ll keep writing these silly blogs.

______________________

Become my patron on Patreon, and for as little as $1/month, get access to super-secret posts!

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Read my other stuff at Fat CrossFitter and Baby Happy Pants.

Amy’s Fashion (Mis)Adventures: Sad UPS Driver Realness

Your fashion-challenged Avid Bruxist, she is back with another Fix! (If you want to read previous Stitch Fix/fashion posts, scroll to the bottom and click the Fayshun tag.)

If you’re just joining us, I am bad at fashion, and my friend Kate is good at fashion, so she is my stylist. Her duties include coaching me on what to keep and what to send back to Stitch Fix every month. I pay her for her services in love. But not romantic love because she’s already married.

Let’s do this! First piece:

Daniel Rainn Estefany lace detail split neck blouse $64

That’s right, I’m here for all your 2011 Portlandia references. #hepcat

It’s kind of sheer so I should probably wear a cami under it. That will just depend on how much I give a shit that day, I guess. But yay! First piece is a keeper!

Then, oh no!

Lila Ryan Sevilla linen jogger pant $98

An obvious no at a fraction of the NINETY-EIGHT DOLLAR price–WHAT?!, but then came a bit of textual confusion.

Hummingbird Liara knot-front knit top $32

My feelings were, it was a shirt.

The thing about Stitch Fix prices is they’re always high for the quality, but you have to factor in that somebody else is shopping for you, which for me is worth a lot lot lot, so $32 for this shirt–I was like wellallrightfine.

Next we have an accessory:

Bancroft Amile circle-link layering necklace $34

I didn’t keep it because it was just a thing, and a $34 one at that, but it did remind me that accessories exist. I hadn’t actually unpacked my jewelry after my move. Nine months ago.

So I did that! I hung up my accessory hanger! Ergo, the Stitch Fix necklace served a purpose.

Last item is (Brian Fellows voice) A DRESSSSSSSSS! That’s right, I’m here for all your 1999 Saturday Night Live references.

41 Hawthorn Cristen shirt dress $78

I wore it to Kate’s wedding, which was not actually her wedding because she got married 15 months ago up in DC but more like a party to remind everybody she got married. I even wore makeup! The same makeup Kate made me buy… in 2012. I know you’re supposed to throw your makeup out every six months, but if I did that, I’d be throwing away makeup that I used thrice, and that’s not sound economic or environmental policy.

Anyway, that reminded me that I really only know 1.5 makeup lewks–the one she and Meg taught me and I taught you in the days of yore, and then a little red lipstick jobby that I pull out on occasion. I should probably learn some more about makeup. Beauty iz harrrrrrrrrrd, you guys.

If you want to try Stitch Fix for yourself, please use this link. They’ll give me a $25 credit, and I’ll keep writing these silly blogs.

______________________

Become my patron on Patreon, and get access to super-secret posts!

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Stitch Fix, Redux: Parts 3 & 4, I Can’t Keep Up With My Life You Guys

Your fashion-challenged Avid Bruxist, she is back with another Fix! Actually two–I’m behind schedj.

My internet was out when I got the first Fix, so I had to throw it back to a simpler time. I took pix on my computer, hitched the ox to my covered wagon, and traversed the treacherous 1/2 mile to Kate’s house. How did the pioners do it?!

I knew these pants had problems, namely that they were slightly too long and the seam on the bottom of the pocket hits at exactly the widest part of my saddlebags.

Tinsel Casia Frayed Hem Chino Pant ($50)

But they are soft as puddin’, and I loooooove the color, and look how great they make my butt look:

My butt (priceless)

So Kate’s “hmm… yeah… big pockets” was considered and rejected. Keeper.

But then

Liverpool Elizabeth Super Skinny Jean ($78)

ugh. Also too long, but by a mile–hello, elephant legs–and

UGH, the distance between my back and that waistband! I could fit a whole package of Oreos in there!

Oh dang, maybe I should’ve kept them.

Then there was this sweater, which fit pretty well.

Skies Are Blue Blivin Ribbed Fitted V-Neck Pullover ($58)

Kate’s problem was that it whiffed of a long-blouse-under-a-tight-sweater ensemble from long about ’98, but that was not an issue for me because I LOVED THAT LOOK. Keeper.

The next item was an automatic no because I could barely get it over my bewbs, but even if it had fit, Kate’s quote was

Collective Concepts Adda Ruffle Trim Cross ($64)

“Oh, are you going to a Ren faire? What is happening?! The fly away and the sheer and the boob slings and the ruffles and is that a tie?!”

It was, dear reader. It was a tie.

In sum, there were too many design elements going on.

Then there was… whatever this was.

Skies Are Blue Darice Cold Shoulder Blouse ($54)

I recoiled at the 90s rental beach condo upholstery pattern, but there was something else Kate couldn’t put her finger on. Turns out, it was that I don’t know how to put on clothes. It was supposed to be like this:

Kate and I are in agreement about the cold shoulder lewk–fart noise–so wearing it as the designer intended didn’t help.

So that was the first Fix. I wear the red pants alllllll the time and the sweater enough to make it worthwhile.

Moving on to the second Fix. My internet was back up, so I could use textual messaging like a normal person.

Skies Are Blue McClain Crochet Panel Knit Top ($54)

It was similar to a Gap blouse I bought a million years ago on a shopping trip with Kate. (Kind of hard to see, but it’s the second to last picture in Fayshun! Amy Goes Rogue and It Doesn’t Go That Well.) I didn’t like this one as much as the old one, but because of my laundry philosophy (“Everything is machine washable if you just believe”), the old one was pilling and faded.

Kate said this new shirt worked, so there you go. Also working for Kate despite my display of arm cellulite:

41 Hawthorn Tristana Essential Knit Faux Wrap Dress ($78)

Wrap does my shape right, v-neck always works for me, and skirt hits the knee at that mythical “right spot” apparently.

Then oh my goodness. What even. Woe. WOE.

Q&A Nebula Peplum Keyhole Detail Blouse ($58) and Margaret M Christiana Jacquard Printed Pencil Skirt ($78)

Kate and I agreed. Four thumbs down.

Don’t worry, reader–I too had to google peplum.

Evolution by Cyrus Yashi Fitted Bell Sleeve ($64)

In short, no, no compelling reason.

Last time I clicked the “my stylist didn’t listen to me” button, they sent me a message that made me think they put her out the airlock, so I decided to stay mum this time.

Do I want to continue despite this service’s imperfections? I do. I hate shopping that much. I may in the near future switch to a plus-size service like Dia&Co because I seem to be getting more and more plus-sized. Might have something to do with the fact that I eat like a high school athlete and exercise 3/4-heartedly once a week.

If you want to try Stitch Fix for yourself, please use this link. They’ll give me a $25 credit, and I’ll keep writing these silly blogs.

______________________

Become my patron on Patreon, and get access to super-secret posts!

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Read my other stuff at Fat CrossFitter and Baby Happy Pants.

Stitch Fix, Redux: Part 2 with Bonus Shoes

Your fashion-challenged Avid Bruxist is back with another Fix! Kate, as always, will play the role of consigliere.

Let’s jump right in.I thought these would be a slam dunk with Kate, but no.

I kept them, but tbh, I haven’t worn them yet, so I can’t comment on the degree of #footmurder. (More on that topic below.)

For the next item, I had two questions:

I was glad Kate and I were horrified in equal measure, because seriously, Stitch Fix, what the everloving fuck. Kate said it looked like my pubic hair was outside my pants. Maybe my note to my stylist should’ve said, “Nothing that resembles a merkin, thx.”

Then Kate threw me for a loop-de-loo though because she said, “The upside is they look like they fit real well,” and added a bunch of peach emojis. If you’re not familiar, that’s what kids these days use to express what our generation meant by dat ass. That’s right–in my day, we used words.

Anyhow, I was like

Wut

Really?

Because I did not think they made me look good. I thought they made me look exactly how I look, i.e., wide and bulgy.

Moot point because they were in all other ways a catastrophe. Back they went.

Next up were some stretchy slacks. I was leaning toward no because they had a fold in the crotch.

But Kate gave ’em the thumbs-up, said dark maroon was a good neutral and they went well with the shoes. I was psyched about it because I need pants like whoa. Even my fattest pants are hurting my feelings these days.

I’ve worn them a few times, and they’re really comfy, but by the end of the day I have to do a bit o’ the ol’ heave-ho to keep them around my waist. Suppose I should invest in some suspenders.

For the next item, I had two sads:

Kate informed me that boxy sweaters are only good on people with 3% body fat, and I haven’t had mine tested lately, but I’m guessing like 85-89%?

Sorry, did I say two sads? I meant three.

Kate had some strong, specific words.

I do feel like I’m able now to tell horrific from fabulous. It’s the gray area in the middle I still struggle with, like this shirt:

Kate said it was fine, a decent basic, but I have several other black shirts and decided it just wasn’t necessary.

By the way, lest you think my life is nothing but glam, here’s a behind-the-scenes look at my fashion shoot.

Peek-a-boo.

Ohai.

GET OUTTA MY ROOM, SPAWN.

I meant to put in brands and prices again this time, but I lost the paper. They were the usual–brands you’ve never heard of, and too expensive for the quality but better than <shiver> going shopping.

OK, back to #footmurder. Some friends and readers have made suggestions over the years about flats to try. One person suggested Josef Seibel. In particular, she said that the Pippa flat, though expensive ($115 on Zappos), felt good when she tried them on and after a day of running around. I did some searching, and some of them were really cute, but I’ve been converted by Kate to Things that Elongate, and now I feel like it’s pointy toes or nothing for me. Round-toed flats just seem to highlight my ever-increasing rotundity.

Somebody else recommended Rothys. Also $$$$–specifically 145 doll hairs, but if I used her link, I’d get 20 bucks off. And they had pointy-toed models. And they’re made out of recycled water bottles, so that appealed to the lazy environmentalist in me.

Cute, right?! These might be a game changer because, when I put them on, they felt completely different from other flats–not stiff at all. After a day of wearing them at work, they still rubbed a little on my heel and pushed down on my big toenail. (Do I have freakishly tall big toes?) I think they just need some breaking in, so I’m hopeful.

I also ordered threw some red Lucky brand flats (about $70) in my Zappos cart.

They felt a bit hurty during Day 1 but again may just need some jitterbugging around in. The search for #footjustice continues!

Oh, by the by, Zappos needs to fix its algorithm because I filtered tall boots for wide calf, and well,

If you want to try Stitch Fix for yourself, please use this link. They’ll give me a $25 credit, and I’ll keep writing these silly blogs.

Also, if you look at Dasani bottles and think, “Those would look great on my feet,” use my Rothys referral link, and we’ll both get a discount.

______________________

Become my patron on Patreon, and get access to super-secret posts!

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Stich Fix: Redux, Part 1

Yes, that’s right! Your fashion-challenged Avid Bruxist is fixing her stitches again!

See, what had happened was:

  1. my promise to myself that I would just go shopping once a month was a vile and pernicious lie; and
  2. I literally split my pants.

My coworker texted me and was like, uh maybe check ur butt? Fortunately, this coworker was a friend and she said it nicer than that, like she intimated that maybe there was a flaw in the fabric or that I had gotten yellow paint on my red jeans, but no, it was my butt. More specifically it was my cotton underpants which I buy in a 6-pack because you can’t tell me what to do.

It was a wake-up call, for sure. I was pretending for a long time that my clothes fit, when they absolutely no longer did, and the thing about wearing too-tight clothes is it makes you feel like your body is wrong. Now, lots of people would say, “Well, your body is wrong. You need to go on a diet.”

And to them I say, “Thanks for sharing. Now shove it up your ass.”

See the thing about going on a diet is it doesn’t work. #fightme if you want, but please read Health at Every Size by Linda Bacon first. And then you won’t fight me–you’ll come in for a bit of cuddle and maybe boo-hoo on my shoulder for a few, but then we’ll high-five and have a snack because keeping our blood sugar steady is good self-care.

That’s all I’m going to say about diets for right now, but I do want to reiterate that wearing the wrong size clothes is a great way to feel bad about yourself all the time. I’ve definitely put on weight since the boys were born. I had that weird pregnancy net loss (plus 19 lbs during gestation, minus 30 with the birth), but since then, I’ve slept very little and eaten a lot of cookies. Those actions are related. Also, I quit CrossFit a year ago, but I had already gained the weight before my exodus. Wearing my old sports bras was basically having an hour-long Heimlich. I haven’t bought new sports bras yet because all I’m doing for exercise is walking the dogs, but I! HAVE! BOUGHT! NEW! STITCH! FIX!

The first order in our redux series was, like previous ones, a mixed bag. And as always, I consulted my fashion guru Kate for advice.

She concurred that the cherry blossoms were quite nice.

The Swingline is an under-utilized sartorial tool, IMHO.

Kate gave me a thumbs-up on the elbow patches and suggested I buy a bubble pipe to complete the look.

Next piece came with many reservations.

I hate it when she asks me that.

I’ll look into buying some leggings, but I decided to send the dress back. Amongst other issues, the sleeves were way too long.

I regret to inform you that my struggle with shoes continues.

I actually LOVED the flats Stitch Fix sent, but.

She asked which was it, and I had to reply that it was both–too floppy on my heels and too squeezy on my toes. I’m so sad about it. I just want cute pointy flats that don’t hurt my feelings. Alas, my search goes on.

For those keeping score at home, the YESes were Vero Moda Marky crew neck top ($44), Tribal Fia seamed trouser ($58), and RD Style Morrison elbow patch pullover ($64); NOs were Absolutely Ettel sweater dress ($54) and MIA Alana pearl flat ($59).

If you want to try Stitch Fix for yourself, please use this link. They’ll give me a $25 credit, and I’ll keep writing these silly blogs.

______________________

Become my patron on Patreon, and get access to super-secret posts!

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Read my other stuff at Fat CrossFitter and Baby Happy Pants.