Ruby, Are You Contemplating Going Out Somewhere?

I don’t know shit about makeup. My daily face ritual is

a little dab of this

and…

Actually, no ‘and’. That’s it: Bonne Bell Dr. Pepper LipSmacker chapstick.

On school picture day, I’ll powder my T-zone because otherwise it looks like you could wax a car with my forehead. And about two or three times a month, on a weekend night when shit gets crazy, my tube of Great Lash gets busted out.

But some of the bitches I run with, they know makeup. I kept badgering them to teach me, and — squeaky wheel/grease — they got me a gift card to Sephora for my birthday and took me on a field trip to spend it!

It was so fun! And informative! I mean, I still don’t really get it. One of them would pick up a cask of green eye shadow and rub it on the inside of my arm. The inside of my arm. How does? — Anyway, they’d all lean in, and say in concert, “Oh, no.”

I’d squint at it and say, “No? Not good?”

They’d say, “No, not good.”

Then another of them would slather a different product on my inner forearm — one that looked to me exactly the same as the first — and they’d go, “Oooooooh. Yeah.”

And I’d go, “Yeah?”

And they’d go, “Yeah.”

And then they would teach me how to apply the stuff.

Here’s my sister-wife paintin me up like a Jezebel.

Anyhow, last week, at age 37, I bought my first-ever eye liner (a purple one by Dior that cost thirty dollars — what?!) and my first-ever rouge — wait, they don’t call it that, do they? — blush (Dabby dabby dabby on your cheek, aaaaaaand make a C around your eye… that’s what I remember from what they taught me anyway).

They told me to buy cheapo mascara — done — because I have good lashes already, and Kate M. tried to get me to throw out my powder compact and get a new one. She was like, “How old is it? More than six months?”

And I said, “Sure. It’s probably two or three years old, but I’ve only used it, like, eight times.”

She was all, “Older than six months! Throw it out! Bacteria! Breakouts! Disease and putrescence! Your face will rot off!” She didn’t really say all that, but she was quite emphatic. I wrested it from her talons and shoved it back in my purse.

(If I die of meningitis of the face, Kate, you can say I told you so.)

Anyway, I should’ve taken a Before picture. Alas, I didn’t think to. However, here’s an After shot (of me making a face like a total goober!).

I’m also real greazy because I had gone straight from the gym, but ignore that, and pay attention to the eye shadow, eye liner, mascara, blush, and lip gloss. I am wearing makeup!!!

Thanks, Kate, Mayg, Shiv, and Hammer! I love you guys!

98 thoughts on “Ruby, Are You Contemplating Going Out Somewhere?”

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