Sharknado 4

Matt and I were both worried about Sharknado: the 4th Awakens! The third installment had been so delightful that we wondered how the producers might top it. Was our worry justified? Read to find out!

It opens with a Star Wars-esque blanket of text spooling off into the night sky telling us it’s been five years since the last sharknado. Tech company Astro-X, led by Silicon Valley maverick Aston Reynolds, has used their revolutionary technology to prevent new storms.

Ngl, my notes are fuzzy on this one. The next thing I wrote was literally: It’s tricep

I think I was referring to Ian Zering’s muscles as he chops wood in Kansas, where he lives with his mom and the son that got pushed out of a very vulvic slash in a dead shark by Tara Reid at the end of the last movie before she got chomped. Fin (IZ) is a farmer now I guess?

Remember how Fin’s dad (David Hasselhoff) sacrificed himself in space for his son and the world? Turns out he was chilling on the moon and got rescued!

Now we meet Aston Reynolds, the Elon Musk stand-in, who has used some of his ill-gotten gains to build Shark World Hotel, a hotel in Las Vegas with a giant pool full of sharks. What could go wrong?

Fin goes to Las Vegas–I remember not why–with his Very Sexy cousin Gemini, and his cab driver is Carrot Top, complete with giant novelty glasses and a giant novelty flask. Stay with me here: Did you know there are two different schools of clown? There’s classic circus clown, like Barnum & Bailey, twenty clowns in a VW Beetle-type stuff. And then there’s European clown, which is a true theatre art that requires deep study and vulnerability. Twenty years ago, I saw a show in New York called Slava’s Snow Show, and it was one of the most profound theatre experiences I’ve ever had. All that to say, I’m loath to call someone a clown in a derogatory fashion, but trust me when I say Carrot Top fully transitioned from comedian to clown, and I mean that in the most derogatory fashion. 

Tom Jones shows up, and boy has he had some work done. If you stood him in Madame Tussaud’s, he’d pass.

Fin and Gemini are being very sexy to each other, and it would be hot except they’re cousins, so I feel uncomfortable, although that might be your porn search term, and I don’t want to kink-shame you.

Fin’s grown son calls his dad from a plane. He’s about to get married, and then the lovebirds will skydive to the ground, as one does. Only problem? A storm forms and sucks up all the sharks from the hotel! They swirl in the air and fall to the ground, where a bunch of Chippendales dancers punch, kick, and pelvic thrust them. 

Fin goes to the top of the hotel, does not catch his parachuting son, but does catch his new daughter-in-law. They are in a car(?) at the top of the building(?), and they drive down a spiral-shaped sign(?) being carried on the storm(?) to the ground(?). They jump into a ship(?) in the moat around the building(?) and swordfight with sharks(?). I have concerns for any people who dropped acid before watching this movie. Like, have they healed?

AND THE OPENING CREDITS ROLL. What the actual fuck.

There’s somebody very skinny running in a black hoodie–you can’t see their face–and it turns out to be Tara Reid! She was rescued by her scientist dad, Gary Busey, and is now a cyborg. Gary Busey had told Tara Reid her whole family was dead and vice-versa.

TR: “You lied to me!”

GB: “You weren’t ready!”

For what, Gary.

Gary. For what.

Aston Reynolds begs Fin to save the day because his technology obviously no longer works, so Fin visits a country store that just has CHAINSAWS in big letters across the front. He also has isotopes so that’s good. You need isotopes to stop the -nados, and there are so many kinds! Oilnado, firenado, icenado, cownado. 

You guys, so much happens. My notes are just a list like:

• David H sucked into storm in antique car
• Tara Reid catches car above head
• Paul Shaffer busking
• House falls on Stacey Dash (In addition to a bunch of Star Wars references, there are a ton of very clunky allusions to The Wizard of Oz.)

There’s like 92 more items just like that I’m gonna skip. 

Just know, the movie ends at Niagara Falls, and literally every character gets eaten, and there was a moment when I shouted, “Turducken! Sharksharken! Sharkwhalen!” Do with that what you will. 

Given that, in this franchise, getting eaten by a shark is less a tragedy and more a momentary inconvenience, pretty much everybody’s saved, and we’re all set for movie #5.

So, yeah, it obviously wasn’t good, and it wasn’t bad in the right way. But this little tradition means I get to leave my kids with a babysitter on a Saturday afternoon and scream at a TV with my three favorite gays, so I left with nothing but delight in my heart.