Amy’s Fashion (Mis)Adventures: Tricky Backs & Carol Burnett

Your fashion-challenged Avid Bruxist—she is back with another (mis)adventure! (For previous posts, scroll to the bottom and click the Fayshun tag.)

You get a double-dip again because I am perpetually weeks behind on everything that isn’t absolutely essential, and a few things that are.

Also, sorry about the fuzzy first pic. I think my dad* was messing with the thermostat, so the AC was on, and my computer camera had, like, frost on it.

*If you’re just joining me, my dad lives with me, not the other way around.

I was psyched about seeing dark jeans in the box, but motherfffffffff.

I shared my frustration with Kate, natch.

Kate asked how noticeable the whiskers were.

I thought the stylists would review your file and shit before they shopped for you, and I think they do to a certain extent, but it occurred to me that, like most Americans, they’re probably paid too little to do too much, and they skim it, rather than pore over it, so I’m not taking chances anymore. I’m including this note with every future Fix:

I’m interested–what does your yes/no list look like?

Very occasionally I throw caution to the wind and pull the tags off before I check with Kate:

Kate: trying to improve my body image since 2011.

Not trying to improve my body image? This shirt:

Get fucked, tricky backs!

I was lost on the next piece. It somehow both hugged my curves and made me feel mannish? Fortunately, Kate was there to break it down for me.

I miss those orange pants.

Stitch Fix sent me a skirt, which made me realize, I don’t own any. Like not one. So I thought I’d keep this one if it was OK with Kate.

And they are sending me petites, but I guess I’m even petiter than most.

OK, we’re done with the first box. Are you ready for the second one, or do you need a break? Take a break! Get a snack. Hydrate. Come back when you’re ready.

You’re back! Yay, I missed you.

I didn’t even ask for a purse, but high-five, Stitch Fix, because the straps are wearing out on my old one.

Then, pants. I need some better lighting in my room. These are not black.

Now, when will I have time to get them hemmed…? Lemme check.

Looks like 2032.

<creates Google calendar event>

<tucks hems under and crosses fingers>

I kinda liked the next piece:

But I had a concern.

I ended up keeping it because the Buy 5 discount meant it was cheap and besides now I can do this bit:

Then we have a non-wow-but-OK-for-work blouse:

Get fucked, tricky backs!

Last but not least, or maybe last and least, a non-wow-but-OK-for-work cardigan:

That’s the Fixes.

In other fashion news, I ordered two pairs of flats from Zappos, and goddammit. I was thisclose to moving to a year-round-sandals climate because the only closed shoes that don’t shred my feet are sneakers and Timberlands, and neither really goes with slacks.

But I just went to DSW and tried on a couple pairs of flats that felt like butter going on. And that’s when I decided I would never buy another shoe that doesn’t feel like butter going on, the first time. None of this maybe they’ll stretch shit. I’ve never successfully broken in a pair of shoes. They either feel good immediately or they never will.

Anyhow, they’re not The World’s Cutest,

but as a 43-year-old exhausted fat single mom and middle school teacher, my threshold for pain-in-the-pursuit-of-cuteness has become narrow–almost imperceptible to the naked eye, in fact. And besides, they’re Cute Enough.

(The Atlantic recently published an article called “Why Women’s Shoes Are So Painful” that made me feel seen. The author basically narrated my experience. Of course, I made the mistake of reading the Facebook comments, and there were a bunch of women who were like, “Oh really? I’ve worn heels and flats my whole career, and I’ve never had any problems.” I resisted the urge to write, “WELL, CONGRATUFUCKINLATIONS ON YOUR PERFECT HOOVES, SHARON.”)

There you have it. I have another Fix coming in a week or two, and also I was thinking about hitting up Lane Bryant again? I haven’t been there since 2009, but I put on a pair of their pants the other day (yes, the ones I bought in 2009)–totally frayed and a victim of my trademark Swingline sartorial skillz–but very stretchy and flattering.

Anyhow, I hope to scratch together another post soon.

Hey, if you want to try Stitch Fix for yourself, please use this link. They’ll give me a $25 credit, and I’ll keep writing these silly blogs.

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