Month: April 2018
Amy’s Fashion (Mis)Adventures: Sad UPS Driver Realness
Your fashion-challenged Avid Bruxist, she is back with another Fix! (If you want to read previous Stitch Fix/fashion posts, scroll to the bottom and click the Fayshun tag.)
If you’re just joining us, I am bad at fashion, and my friend Kate is good at fashion, so she is my stylist. Her duties include coaching me on what to keep and what to send back to Stitch Fix every month. I pay her for her services in love. But not romantic love because she’s already married.
Let’s do this! First piece:
That’s right, I’m here for all your 2011 Portlandia references. #hepcat
It’s kind of sheer so I should probably wear a cami under it. That will just depend on how much I give a shit that day, I guess. But yay! First piece is a keeper!
Then, oh no!
An obvious no at a fraction of the NINETY-EIGHT DOLLAR price–WHAT?!, but then came a bit of textual confusion.
My feelings were, it was a shirt.
The thing about Stitch Fix prices is they’re always high for the quality, but you have to factor in that somebody else is shopping for you, which for me is worth a lot lot lot, so $32 for this shirt–I was like wellallrightfine.
Next we have an accessory:
I didn’t keep it because it was just a thing, and a $34 one at that, but it did remind me that accessories exist. I hadn’t actually unpacked my jewelry after my move. Nine months ago.
So I did that! I hung up my accessory hanger! Ergo, the Stitch Fix necklace served a purpose.
Last item is (Brian Fellows voice) A DRESSSSSSSSS! That’s right, I’m here for all your 1999 Saturday Night Live references.
I wore it to Kate’s wedding, which was not actually her wedding because she got married 15 months ago up in DC but more like a party to remind everybody she got married. I even wore makeup! The same makeup Kate made me buy… in 2012. I know you’re supposed to throw your makeup out every six months, but if I did that, I’d be throwing away makeup that I used thrice, and that’s not sound economic or environmental policy.
Anyway, that reminded me that I really only know 1.5 makeup lewks–the one she and Meg taught me and I taught you in the days of yore, and then a little red lipstick jobby that I pull out on occasion. I should probably learn some more about makeup. Beauty iz harrrrrrrrrrd, you guys.
If you want to try Stitch Fix for yourself, please use this link. They’ll give me a $25 credit, and I’ll keep writing these silly blogs.
______________________
Become my patron on Patreon, and get access to super-secret posts!
Like Avid Bruxist on Facebook.
Follow Avid Bruxist on Twitter.
Read my other stuff at Fat CrossFitter and Baby Happy Pants.
Stitch Fix, Redux: Parts 3 & 4, I Can’t Keep Up With My Life You Guys
Your fashion-challenged Avid Bruxist, she is back with another Fix! Actually two–I’m behind schedj.
My internet was out when I got the first Fix, so I had to throw it back to a simpler time. I took pix on my computer, hitched the ox to my covered wagon, and traversed the treacherous 1/2 mile to Kate’s house. How did the pioners do it?!
I knew these pants had problems, namely that they were slightly too long and the seam on the bottom of the pocket hits at exactly the widest part of my saddlebags.
But they are soft as puddin’, and I loooooove the color, and look how great they make my butt look:
So Kate’s “hmm… yeah… big pockets” was considered and rejected. Keeper.
But then
ugh. Also too long, but by a mile–hello, elephant legs–and
UGH, the distance between my back and that waistband! I could fit a whole package of Oreos in there!
Oh dang, maybe I should’ve kept them.
Then there was this sweater, which fit pretty well.
Kate’s problem was that it whiffed of a long-blouse-under-a-tight-sweater ensemble from long about ’98, but that was not an issue for me because I LOVED THAT LOOK. Keeper.
The next item was an automatic no because I could barely get it over my bewbs, but even if it had fit, Kate’s quote was
“Oh, are you going to a Ren faire? What is happening?! The fly away and the sheer and the boob slings and the ruffles and is that a tie?!”
It was, dear reader. It was a tie.
In sum, there were too many design elements going on.
Then there was… whatever this was.
I recoiled at the 90s rental beach condo upholstery pattern, but there was something else Kate couldn’t put her finger on. Turns out, it was that I don’t know how to put on clothes. It was supposed to be like this:
Kate and I are in agreement about the cold shoulder lewk–fart noise–so wearing it as the designer intended didn’t help.
So that was the first Fix. I wear the red pants alllllll the time and the sweater enough to make it worthwhile.
Moving on to the second Fix. My internet was back up, so I could use textual messaging like a normal person.
It was similar to a Gap blouse I bought a million years ago on a shopping trip with Kate. (Kind of hard to see, but it’s the second to last picture in Fayshun! Amy Goes Rogue and It Doesn’t Go That Well.) I didn’t like this one as much as the old one, but because of my laundry philosophy (“Everything is machine washable if you just believe”), the old one was pilling and faded.
Kate said this new shirt worked, so there you go. Also working for Kate despite my display of arm cellulite:
Wrap does my shape right, v-neck always works for me, and skirt hits the knee at that mythical “right spot” apparently.
Then oh my goodness. What even. Woe. WOE.
Kate and I agreed. Four thumbs down.
Don’t worry, reader–I too had to google peplum.
In short, no, no compelling reason.
Last time I clicked the “my stylist didn’t listen to me” button, they sent me a message that made me think they put her out the airlock, so I decided to stay mum this time.
Do I want to continue despite this service’s imperfections? I do. I hate shopping that much. I may in the near future switch to a plus-size service like Dia&Co because I seem to be getting more and more plus-sized. Might have something to do with the fact that I eat like a high school athlete and exercise 3/4-heartedly once a week.
If you want to try Stitch Fix for yourself, please use this link. They’ll give me a $25 credit, and I’ll keep writing these silly blogs.
______________________
Become my patron on Patreon, and get access to super-secret posts!
Like Avid Bruxist on Facebook.
Follow Avid Bruxist on Twitter.
Read my other stuff at Fat CrossFitter and Baby Happy Pants.