Fayshun Quest

Let’s talk about fashion, because we haven’t done that in awhile.

You may or may not have followed along in my recent quest.

Me: OK, Ames, you need *boots* and you need a *purse*. You can do this. Go! Me: OR… Or you could go to the liiiiiibrary.

— Avid Bruxist (@avidbruxist) January 10, 2014

I first went to several discount stores: Ross Dress for Less, TJ Maxx, etc. It was not going well.

Is it possible to hate every purse that was ever made? Because I feel like maybe I hate every purse that was ever made.

— Avid Bruxist (@avidbruxist) January 10, 2014

Eventually, I ended up at Macy’s, which seemed to be no better. 

Maybe I should start carrying a backpack again. (Cue Kate screaming at her screen.) — Avid Bruxist (@avidbruxist) January 10, 2014

  The only half-decent ones I found were like 160 bucks. No. Absolutely not.

Purses I won’t buy, part 1: those with a # > than 0 in the hundreds place It’s a glorified bucket for my stuff. It’s a stuff bucket. Jesus. — Avid Bruxist (@avidbruxist) January 10, 2014

I decided to head to other department stores.

Mall walking. Still a thing. Who knew.

— Avid Bruxist (@avidbruxist) January 10, 2014

She was in a nylon track suit, no less!

Purses I won’t buy, part 2: any with tassels I’m not Annie fucking Oakley.

— Avid Bruxist (@avidbruxist) January 10, 2014

My gay husband Paul reminded me that Gypsy Rose Lee, too, wore tassels. That was a good point. I told him I’d buy a tassel-less purse and some sassy pasties.

Purses I won’t buy, part 3: this purse <hork> pic.twitter.com/vILsX5oqHh

— Avid Bruxist (@avidbruxist) January 10, 2014

Seriously, gross.

Purses I won’t buy, part 4: ones with gold accents What am I–fancy? pic.twitter.com/O1LuJ1nLe9 — Avid Bruxist (@avidbruxist) January 10, 2014

Indeed, there were a number of problems with that purse.

Purses I won’t buy, part 5: any of these pic.twitter.com/dFFReYRPTi

— Avid Bruxist (@avidbruxist) January 10, 2014

Finally, I hit Sears--yes, Sears--and the first one I picked up was from a designer with the same name as my sister. Fate.

You may be wondering why I needed boots, given that last year I bought tall boots and short boots. Well. The tall boots, which I loved so much, are wicked uncomfortable. They just barely zip around my calves. It's like wearing calf-tourniquets all day. Plus, as I mentioned, they're so tall, the tops dig into my inner thigh fat. So I never wear them.

I loved the short boots and used to wear them all the time. Used to.

See, Violet does this thing when she's nervous. She collects my shoes and bras. Doesn't chew them; just puts them in her bed or snuggles with them on the couch. I often come home from work to find a shoe, a slipper, a flip-flop, and/or a brassiere next to a warm spot on the chaise.

Annoying to have to go around the house, gather my footwear, and toss my undergarments back in the hamper, but I can't get mad at her because

And besides, she never chewed them.

She must've been real nervous that day. So long, short boots.

The good news is, I went to DSW and found the same exact ones, except they didn't have them in brown, so I bought black. Fine, since I can't wear my black tall boots anyway because torture.

But now I need brown boots. Maybe brown tall boots? That don't boa-constrict or jam themselves into my laygs?

I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

Also, Kate told me to buy

in a variety of colors, you know, for layering with cardigans/jackets/whatnot. So I did.

...It's possible I've done less of the layering and more of the just wearing them with jeans and calling it a day.

Also, I haven't worn a skirt yet this school year.

<cowers, covers head>