Sharknado

The head_of_fema and I are back to watching crappy movies together!

So Sharknado! I KNOW—internet-ancient, but I’ve been busy.

This movie came out two months ago, to much flapping of cyberhands, as possibly the best worst TV movie of all time, and it doesn’t disappoint, which of course means it does disappoint but in the pleasingest of ways.

[Ed. note: As usual, spoilers. I spoil the whole movie.]

No burying the lede—we have a sharknado within the first seconds of screen time!

We are 20 miles off the coast of Mexico. A fisherman cuts a shark’s fin. Something gross is in a bowl. An Asian man in a business suit eats it; “Good. Not great,” he says.

Captain Santiago says, “Ha ha ha,” and then SLAMS his hand against the table/offers up a menacing look. Unspoken dialogue is in brackets.

Asian businessman: “[This part of the movie has nothing whatsoever to do with the rest of the movie, but] $100,000.”
Captain Santiago: “1 million.”
AB: “Five hundred thousand.”
CS: [“Here, take a look at my gun.”]
AB: “We have a deal.”
CS: “[Apropos of nothing,] we shouldn’t be afraid of the shark. They should be afraid of us.”
AB: [“We’re both going to find some irony in that statement in 3… 2…”]

Waves crash over the boat. A shark hits the deck and eats a seaman. Seaman—ha ha.

CS and the AB have a shootout. Both get et.

Scene change: Beach! Girls in bikinis! And Ian Ziering’s character, Fin (yes, FIN, in a fucking shark movie) is surfing. He’s surfing in the way that Nick Cannon plays the snare in Drumline, i.e., separate shots of his face with brows furrowed and of his headless body totally shredding, dude.

Cut to Fin’s beachside restaurant and bar. A Dirty Old Man, played in a departure by that guy that always plays the grizzled cop, grabs the Waitress’s ass. You know the guy I’m talking about.

DOM: “What’s that scar [that looks like a shark bite] on your leg?
Waitress: “I don’t want to talk about it.”

Back in the ocean, a girl surfer gets et. Wow, the shark really takes its time with her.

Fin: “SHARKS!”

Fin’s Australian buddy, AJ, scoots up on a jet ski. He almost loses his leg to a shark, but Fin beans it with his surfboard.

Back on shore, Fin calls his ex-wife played by Tara Reid, whose expression throughout this whole movie is the one I have when my brother-in-law tries to explain how faxing works to me.

A shark comes through the restaurant window. Waitress impales the shark with a pool cue, and DOM finishes it off with a bar stool to the noggin. Moar window-shark! AJ and Fin do the classic shark-killing alley-oop (toss air tank into mouth/shoot tank with shotgun).

Everybody’s real calm during the wide shots of this movie. Like window-sharks are an annoyance, Mormons at the door, rather than a crazy deal.

The sharknado passes, and Fin looks at his wrecked bar, perturbed. Probably thinking about how he should’ve gotten that sharknado rider on his insurance policy.

The gang hits the shark-flooded streets to go check on Ex-Wife and Daughter. They make lots of jokes about California roads/traffic, which I’m sure are funny to some people.

On the way, the crew gets out of the car to help people. DOM bashes the window of a car in which a stupid lady locked her dog. Then, because no good deed goes unpunished, he gets et. The rest of the gang watches it happen like this:

The gang minus DOM arrives at Ex-Wife’s house. Fin: “Will you let us in?” Ex-Wife says no, her new boyfriend is there. A shark comes hurtling through the air, and Waitress skeet-shoots it. OK then, says Ex-Wife.

New Boyfriend is a jerkface. Don’t be a jerkface, New Boyfriend. Things don’t end well for jerkfaces in B movies. The house fills with water! A shark swims in and eats Jerkface (natch). Fin attempts to kill the shark by pinning it to a wall with a chest of drawers. Amazingly, his plan fails, and Waitress unloads the shotgun into it.

Ex-Wife tells Fin they need to go get Son, who’s in flight school.

Waitress: “You have a son too?”

Me: That’s how I feel. He has a son too?
head_of_fema: I think this movie is kind of like improv. Just say ‘yes and’.

They head out to find a SCHOOLBUSFUL OF CHILDREN under a bridge!

Naturally, Fin has repelling equipment in the car which he uses to save all the kids and the bus driver, despite the fact that the bus driver has a goatee but no mustache, an offense which clearly merits death by shark. No, the movie producers decided to wait for the double-whammy of Excessive Celebration/Bad Joke for the bus driver to get et. I guess the important thing is he doesn’t get away with the goatee but no mustache.

I got bored in here so I forget how they lose their car, but they lose their car and jack a Hummer with a nitrous button, which I guess is like hyperspace for Hummers.

The gang arrives at the flight school and finds the class hidden in a room. The instructor breaks B-movie Rule #79 (Don’t walk away from the group) and gets sucked through the roof by another sharknado. Fin then holds the door shut against the storm. He’s very strong.

The Son, who is a Super-Handsome Cleft-Chinned Gay Man, says they should fly a helicopter into the sharknado and drop a bomb into it.

Sure.

Waitress explains to SHCCGM that she’ll go too because when she was little, her grandpa got et by a shark. “That’s why I really hate sharks.”

SHCCGM: “Now I really hate sharks too.”

These two lovebirds fly off in the chopper, while Fin chainsaws sharks out of the sky and blows up a retirement home’s pool with gasoline.

Before they can bomb the sharknado, Waitress falls out of the chopper and INTO A SHARK! The helicopter starts to falter. SHCCGM lands it safely then passes out, but it’s OK because his dad slaps him on the face.

It’s up to Fin to save the day! He drives the Hummer toward the storm, sets the bomb, presses the hyperspace button, and jumps out. The Hummer blows up the ‘nado. Sharks rain down.

Daughter (oh yeah, I forgot she’s in this movie) is oblivious to the shark headed her way.

Fin tells her to move, pull-starts the chainsaw, and jumps chainsaw-first into the shark.

Ex-Wife is all

But then the shark’s gut starts to pulsate, and it’s Fin! Cutting himself out of the shark! Not only that, he yanks the Waitress, unscathed by the chainsaw, out of the hole as well. She’s coated in viscous blood. SHCCGM gives her mouth-to-mouth.

She coughs/wakes up. “I really hate sharks.”

In case you’re taking notes, things to have on hand in the event of a sharknado:

• surf board
• pool cue/bar stool
• shotgun
• air tank/shotgun
• gasoline/lighter
• bomb
• chainsaw

Thing not to bother with:

• chest of drawers

You’ve been informed. Prepare ye.

Fin and Tara Reid’s face get back together. The End.