OK, everyone in. Take a knee.
Listen, last night was rough. I woke up at 2:00, fretted for a couple hours, read a chapter of my book, and dozed off 40 minutes before my alarm went off. I put on clean underpants and made it through the day without pitching any sixth graders out a window. I even took 33 of them out to the sunny courtyard during lunch because they had done their work completely and on time.
But now work is over, and we have a problem on our hands. You know and I know that I’m headed for a 3-hour nap, and you know and I know that my 3-hour naps are good for exactly no one. I always wake up feeling like I’m crawling out of the womb (so bright! so loud! so cold!). And then when bedtime hits, I’ve just slept three hours!—there’s no sleeping! No sleeping. Which means two nights of no sleep, which means children definitely get pitched out the window tomorrow. And my classroom’s on the second floor.
So we’re all gonna need to work together to prevent this catastrophe.
Redford and Violet are already pawing at my arms. That’s good. I’ll take them out for a walk, and it’s unlikely I’ll fall asleep during it.
My sister invited me to dinner at 6:00. That’s also good. I’ll have to leave at 5:40, so between dinner and the walk, the 3-hour-nap window is already closed to maybe an hour and twenty.
But listen, everybody’s got to pull his weight. I feel like one of you can probably make a Starbucks run. Others might need to come over for 10-minute shifts and slap me about the face and neck.
I believe in us, you guys. We can do this.
Ready?
Break.