The illustrious head_of_fema and I got together yesterday afternoon to view another awesomely bad movie, Dinocroc vs. Supergator, which he owns on Blu-Ray, natch. Matt had first suggested Halle Berry’s Catwoman, but when I read that D vs. S included David Carradine “in one of his final performances [before he killed himself jerking off in Thailand]”, I knew it was time for us to see some people getting eaten. Getting et.
By the way, previews included Dinoshark (exactly what you might imagine from the title) and Cyclops (“A general will be betrayed. Alliances will be forged. Revenge will be delivered,” said they. “Passive voice will be used,” replied I.)
…And now I’m thinking Roger Corman should probably produce Dinoshark vs. Cyclops.
OK, onward!
Alarms are blaring at Drake Industries Research Lab in Hawaii. “Everybody out now! It’s escaped!” yells a blond MILF in a lab coat, never mind that if it has escaped—just an idea but—maybe everybody should stay in. At 0:46, the Dinocroc or the Supergator, one, has its first white-coated snack. (Matt and I never figured out which beast was which. All I know is one had a lopey T-Rex gait, and the other ran low to the ground and wide, like Tulip.)
Dr. MILF hides behind a palm tree and gets on the phone. She calls Drake (David Carradine), who is smoking a cigar and having his blood pressure taken by a stripper nurse—oops, sorry, stripper doctor. My bad. He gets the low-down on what’s happening at his research facility from Dr. MILF, who then watches the other beast bust through a wall and flatten a dude. So many white-coated people get et.
Next up are the credits, including sweeping shots of Hawaiian landscape and a theme song, evocative of the Spaghetti Westerns of yesteryear, which will play relentlessly throughout the movie. And hurt my feelings.
A couple is lying on the beach (“Fully clothed. Interesting,” remarks Matt). They debate whether to stay there or go to a waterfall. She runs; he follows. [Many superfluous shots of them running through tall grass.] They arrive at the waterfall. “Come on. Let’s get wet,” says the dude, in a totally non-sexual way. Way to blow an opportunity, guy.
He tells her she’ll look prettier—no shit—if she gets him a beer, and she—no shit—goes to get him one. Serves him right: one of the beasts, who had apparently Flat-Stanleyed himself, rises up out of the shin-deep water to snatch the dude under. Girl turns around, can’t find her beau, and then gets et by the other beast. So far, the two beasts are like ships passing in the night. Ships that eat people.
Two dudes are arguing on the phone. Paul is some sort of investigative reporter or something?, and he’s saying he’s found some sketchy stuff at Drake Labs, like maybe they’re using the growth hormone not on plants as they’re supposed to, but on animals. The other guy, Mark, is telling him… I can’t remember, but there’s a homoerotic what-are-you-wearing moment at the end of their conversation.
A young blond in a uniform (we learn later she’s a conservation officer, ohhhh) docks a speedboat and goes up the pier to speak to her father, the police chief, with whom she shares an inappropriate amount of personal space. He reports that something strange is afoot; they found clothes and backpacks at the waterfall. Blondie should check it out but not without backup. She punches her dad flirtatiously. Ew, Electra.
Meanwhile, Drake sends in mercenaries to kill the beasts a la Predator. But you know what? They’re just in it for the money, so you know what else? They all get et. Ha. That’ll teach them to be so greedy.
Victoria, a British Natalie Imbruglia impersonator, beats up a bouncer to talk to Drake. Not sure why she has to beat up the bouncer, since she works for Drake and so does the bouncer, but I think it’s to show how tough she is. Drake recounts an anecdote about this pizza place on the Lower West Side of Manhattan, where he grew up; on their boxes was written, “You’ve tried the rest. Now try the best.” And he instructs her to call The Cajun. (This scene was done eleventy billion times better in Pulp Fiction.)
Cut to The Cajun, a hot guy with a rifle (but no discernible accent, Matt points out), who cuts himself with a Bowie knife and drips his blood in the water. His phone rings, and he simultaneously talks to Victoria and shoots an alligator in the face.
Paul, you remember Paul, who turns out works for the federal government, duh, is fishing. His lover(?), Mark, calls him and says he’s had intel that proves Paul was right! Fishy shit going on at Drake! Keep digging! Build a case!
Cassidy, the blond ranger who’s maybe probably having sex with her dad, reappears in her speedboat, which breaks down at the dock where Paul is fishing. She peruses his computer files while he checks her propellers and knows he’s not an engineer as he claims. He offers her a ride in his Jeep. (Now I’m concerned because the cover said these beasts can outrun SUVs!!!)
They have this conversation:
Paul: Why did you become a conservation officer?
Cassidy: I love animals. I hate seeing them hurt or exploited.
Paul: What if I killed a wild boar?
Cassidy: I’d throw you up against the car and handcuff you.
Paul: Is that a promise or a threat?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute, Paul! Are you flirting with her? I thought you were having sex with Mark! I have no time to be confused, as they hear a roar and speed off in the slower-than-mutant-reptile-mobile.
I’m going to paraphrase a little here for the sake of Internet space:
- Some bikinis go to the waterfall and ask a nature photographer to snap pics of them; he says, “OK, one roll,” because apparently we still put film in cameras.
- Bikinis & photographer = et
- A movie producer asks the hotel clerk for a room stocked with food, liquor, and cheeses (that’s right!: food and cheeses) for three, if you know what I mean. (I think the producer’s telling the clerk that he’s invited for a three-way, but later it turns out to be the producer and two chicks, in a hot tub.)
- Producer/chicks = et
In the hospital, Dr. MILF explains how Drake misused federal funds for this project. Paul videotapes it. Once everyone’s gone, Victoria jabs Dr. MILF in the neck with a syringe full of cyanide (MILF: “What are you doing?” Victoria: “Something bad”). Paul catches her, but she defibrillates him and gets away.
The Cajun has the brilliant idea to get the Dinocroc and the Supergator together and let them duke it out. They’ll use helicopters and explosives to bring them together. The Cajun and Paul get in separate helicopters* and use heat-seeking electronics to locate the (cold-blooded, notes Matt) reptiles but then go back home because they didn’t bring the explosives with them? Seems like they could’ve made one trip. But I’m not Cajun so I don’t know.
*Cassidy kisses Paul square on the mouth with tongue at this point, in front of her dad/lover, but just minutes before Mark had told Paul to “watch [his] 6”, which I understood as phone sex. I DON’T KNOW, PEOPLE.
- A tour guide is taking a group of tourists around an abandoned hotel, which had been devastated by a storm years prior.
- Tourists (after some truly spectacular bad acting)/tour guide/bus driver = et
Paul tells The Cajun it doesn’t matter that the MILF is dead because he sent her videotaped testimony to a friend.
The Cajun: What kind of friend?
Paul: The serious kind.
EVERYONE NEEDS TO STOP BEING SUCH A SLUT.
Paul’s serious friend has made his way to Hawaii at this point and shoots Victoria. Drake’s stripper doctor comes down the stairs. “Who are you?” asks the serious friend. “I’m Drake’s nurse,” she replies. (Me: “Earlier he called her ‘doctor’!” Matt: “She must have a PhD in nursing.”) Drake has a heart attack and dies. Of autoerotic asphyxiation. In Thailand.
Back at the abandoned hotel, Police-Dad and Cassidy have a Moment:
P-D: You ready?
Cassidy: I’m your daughter, aren’t I?
P-D: And I’m lucky to have you. I should tell you that more. And have more sex with you.
[I added the last sentence.]
(Me: “They just had a Moment. He’s gonna die.” Matt, indignantly: “SPOILER ALERT!”)
- Police-Dad = et
Cassidy cries for exactly 34 seconds and then gets pissed. “It killed my dad. I’m gonna kill it.” She leads it through a tunnel into a field, where Paul and The Cajun are crouching behind a tractor, sharing a homoerotic touch.
This whole movie is nothing but sex.
The beasts collide! It’s finally the vs. part of the movie!
While one is killing the other, Paul comes up with a convoluted plan to finish off the victor, involving an explosive and a tub of rainwater. And guess what. It totally works.
The Cajun, Paul, and Cassidy walk off into the sunset, probably to have sex with each other. And Mark too. They shouldn’t leave Mark out.
Overall, super-fun and recommended. I just wish, since everybody was apparently having so much sex, they would’ve showed some of it on screen instead of making me picture it all in my mind. It was hot in my mind, though.
I have been browsing online more than 4 hours today, yet I never found any interesting
article like yours. It is pretty worth enough
for me. In my opinion, if all web owners and bloggers made good content as you did,
the net will be much more useful than ever before.
I just could not leave your web site before suggesting that I really enjoyed the standard information an individual supply in your guests?
Is going to be back regularly to check up on new posts
Aw, this was an extremely good post. Taking a few minutes and actual
effort to make a top notch article… but what can I say… I procrastinate a whole lot and don’t manage to get
anything done.
Incredible points. Solid arguments. Keep up the good effort.
Wow, superb weblog format! How lengthy have you been blogging for?
you made blogging look easy. The entire glance of your web site is
great, as neatly as the content material!
We’re a group of volunteers and opening a new scheme in our community.
Your web site provided us with valuable information to work on. You
have done an impressive job and our whole community will be thankful to you.
This is very fascinating, You are a very professional blogger.
I have joined your rss feed and look forward to seeking more of your magnificent post.
Also, I’ve shared your web site in my social networks
My spouse and I stumbled over here by a different website and thought I
should check things out. I like what I see so now i am following
you. Look forward to finding out about your web page again.
An impressive share! I have just forwarded this onto a friend who has
been conducting a little research on this.
And he actually ordered me breakfast because I found it for him…
lol. So let me reword this…. Thanks for the meal!!
But yeah, thanx for spending some time to discuss this issue here on your
site.
Nice blog here! Also your web site loads up fast! What web
host are you using? Can I get your affiliate link to your host?
I wish my site loaded up as quickly as yours lol
Quality posts is the crucial to be a focus for the visitors to visit
the web page, that’s what this site is providing.
Can you tell us more about this? I’d love to find out more details.
Hi would you mind sharing which blog platform you’re
using? I’m going to start my own blog in the near future but I’m having a difficult time selecting between BlogEngine/Wordpress/B2evolution and
Drupal. The reason I ask is because your design and style seems different then most blogs and I’m looking for something unique.
P.S Apologies for being off-topic but I had to ask!
Today, I went to the beach front with my children. I found a sea shell and gave it to
my 4 year old daughter and said “You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear.” She put
the shell to her ear and screamed. There was a
hermit crab inside and it pinched her ear. She never wants to go back!
LoL I know this is totally off topic but I had to tell someone!
I loved as much as you’ll receive carried out right here.
The sketch is attractive, your authored material stylish.
nonetheless, you command get bought an impatience over that you wish be delivering the following.
unwell unquestionably come further formerly again as exactly the same nearly a lot often inside case you shield this increase.
whoah this weblog is magnificent i like reading
your articles. Keep up the good work! You know, a lot of persons are hunting
round for this info, you can help them greatly.
Hi there! This is my first visit to your blog! We are a team of volunteers and starting a new initiative
in a community in the same niche. Your blog provided us valuable information to work on. You have done a marvellous job!
That is really interesting, You’re an overly professional blogger.
I have joined your feed and look ahead to looking for more of your great
post. Also, I have shared your website in my social networks
Great article! That is the kind of info that are supposed to be shared around the internet.
Shame on the search engines for no longer positioning this submit upper!
Come on over and consult with my web site . Thanks =)
???! ???? ?????? ? ?????? ??? ??.
??????? ? ??? ??? ???????
? ?? ????? ??????????? ??. ????? ??????? — ??? ??? ?????? ?????.
?????? ????? ?? ???? ?? ???? ?????.
?????? ????.
??????? ??????? ?????! ????
?????? ?????? ?????? ??? ??.
????? ????? ????? ???????
? ? ????? ??? ??????????. ??? ???????? — ??? ??? ?????? ?????.
?????? ???????? ?? Visa/Mastercard ???????????.
?????? ????.
We are a group of volunteers and opening a new scheme in our community.
Your web site offered us with valuable info to work
on. You’ve done an impressive job and our entire community will be thankful to you.
???? ??! ????????? ?????? ?????? — ?????????? Pin-Up.
?? ????? ?????? ??? 1 ? ???????.
?????? ???, ??? ?????? ??????? ????????.
??? ??????, ???????????? ??????????, ????
????????? ???????. ????? ????????????.
??????, ??? ?? ??????. ????? ? ????!
Keep on writing, great job!
En France, les casinos crypto attirent de plus en plus de joueurs grâce à leurs bonus attractifs,
programmes de fidélité et promotions exclusives. Les joueurs peuvent bénéficier
de bonus de bienvenue, de tours gratuits et d’offres spéciales adaptées aux utilisateurs de cryptomonnaies.
De plus, l’accessibilité mondiale des cryptos permet de jouer à
tout moment, depuis n’importe quel appareil, sans
contraintes bancaires traditionnelles.
Everything is very open with a clear description of the issues.
It was truly informative. Your website is
extremely helpful. Many thanks for sharing!
When I initially commented I seem to have clicked on the
-Notify me when new comments are added- checkbox and from now on each time a comment is added I get four emails with the
exact same comment. There has to be a way you can remove me from that service?
Thanks a lot!
I really love your blog.. Excellent colors & theme.
Did you develop this amazing site yourself? Please reply back as I’m trying to create my own blog and
would like to learn where you got this from
or exactly what the theme is called. Thanks!
Hello to every body, it’s my first go to see
of this webpage; this weblog contains awesome and really fine stuff
for readers.
Un crypto casino en France est une plateforme de jeux en ligne qui permet
aux joueurs d’utiliser des cryptomonnaies comme le Bitcoin, l’Ethereum ou l’USDT pour parier en toute sécurité.
Ces casinos offrent des transactions rapides, des frais réduits
et un haut niveau d’anonymat grâce à la
technologie blockchain. Avec une large sélection de jeux comme les machines à sous, les jeux de casino en direct, le poker et les jeux « provably fair », les crypto
casinos séduisent les joueurs français à la recherche
d’une expérience moderne, transparente et innovante.
En plus, les bonus attractifs et l’accessibilité internationale font des
casinos crypto un choix de plus en plus populaire en France.
I read this article completely regarding the resemblance of hottest and earlier technologies,
it’s awesome article.
I could not resist commenting. Exceptionally well written!
This piece of writing gives clear idea in favor of the new visitors of
blogging, that truly how to do blogging.
I will immediately grasp your rss feed as I can’t find your e-mail subscription hyperlink or e-newsletter
service. Do you’ve any? Please let me realize so that I could subscribe.
Thanks.
hey there and thank you for your info – I’ve certainly picked up anything new from right here.
I did however expertise a few technical issues using
this web site, since I experienced to reload the website lots of times
previous to I could get it to load correctly. I had been wondering if your hosting is OK?
Not that I am complaining, but sluggish loading instances times will often affect your placement in google and can damage your quality score if ads and marketing with Adwords.
Well I am adding this RSS to my e-mail and could look out
for a lot more of your respective intriguing content. Make sure you update this
again very soon.
I came across this blog post earlier today and decided to leave a note.
The structure of your arguments felt confusing rather than clear.
The weakest part of this post is that key points are left without proper support.
It reads more like opinion than analysis.
I hope future posts are more carefully researched.
Right now, the content feels below the blog’s potential.
Image to yourself,?? ??my dear Letty,
MELFORD BATH May 17.?? ??DEAR DICK,
I think Ihave altered.?“You have not yet told me what your good action wa Or did you say youhad done more than one? ?asked his companion as he spilled into hisplate a little crimson pyramid of seeded strawberries through aperforated,lovedoll
through all herhankerings she had been conscious that she was at least in the veryheart of beauty,??? ??and indeed it was this beauty,
but ever was ydrad.?? ??To prove that we had impaired the energy of our language by falserefinement,
accuse him of insolence,???? ?? ?rancour,
While he displayed his qualifications in order to entrap the heart ofhis young mistress,???? ?? ?he had unwittingly enslaved the affections of hermaid.
?????? ??Any alternate format must include thefull Project Gutenberg ?License as specified in paragraph 7.Do not charge a fee for access to,
came the echoing shout sìSan Salvatore.????? ????They descended gingerly,
for some purpose which I have not yetdiscovered.??? ?????With respect to the characters of mankind,
sex ????andcontented herself thence-forward with an occasional remonstrance whenshe thought the purchaser was too young and innocent to be acquaintedwith the evil effects green tea produced on some constitution and anhabitual sigh when people old enough to choose more wisely would preferiI went over from Drumble once a quarter at least to settle the accountand see after the necessary business letter And,speaking of letterI began to be very much ashamed of remembering my letter to the AgaJenkyn and very glad I had never named my writing to any on I onlyhoped the letter was los No answer cam No sign was madAbout a year after Miss Matty set up shop,
This is very fascinating, You are an excessively skilled blogger.
I’ve joined your rss feed and look ahead to searching for extra of your wonderful
post. Additionally, I’ve shared your website in my social networks
Have you ever thought about creating an e-book or guest authoring on other sites?
I have a blog based upon on the same subjects you
discuss and would love to have you share some stories/information. I know my audience
would appreciate your work. If you’re even remotely interested, feel free to
send me an e-mail.
Hey this is kind of of off topic but I was wondering if blogs use WYSIWYG editors or
if you have to manually code with HTML. I’m starting a blog soon but have no coding know-how so I
wanted to get guidance from someone with experience.
Any help would be greatly appreciated!